How The Bad Became Beautiful

Part 55 Levi's Letter

Raya's POV:

The next day after having my medication I wandered into the kitchen and took the letter off of the counter, and then I ran upstairs to my room.

I unfolded the pieces of paper there were 2 pages of this letter and I finally figured I had the strength to read it once and for all, the letter read:

"Dear Raya

I am so sorry to do what I'm going to do but I feel I need to explain my actions if I am to stop you from blaming yourself which I sadly know you will but it's not your fault.

You see the thing is Raya was I have been under a hell of a lot of pressure, with the university, I was in debt near enough every month, some days I went without food and other days were just the worst so I reverted to old bad habits, I missed being at home I wanted to try and be something to be proud of like our Scott did, I tried to measure up to everything and everyone which is a harder job than any studying ever has been.

I want to explain the day I arrived as well as what you already know about my self-mutilation, on the day of my arrival I told you I was going to see Mum and Dad beforehand when I arrived at my mum's bedsit, she was completely foul about you and was off her face on amphetamine as you know what our mother is like if she can't get hold of money she won't gamble, but give her a bit of money and she will blow through the whole lot on drink or drugs and when I saw her I didn't want to be there as it was the same old story.

When I went to visit Dad, well... Sandra was vile to me as I was being with Lucas and it was incredibly wrong on so many levels, Dad didn't give a toss all he wanted to do was use Sandra as a skivvy, watch rugby and ignore but at the same time want to insult me, he kept muttering things about me under his breath, he was talking to Sandra as if she was the biggest piece of scum on his shoe which soon went into a full-blown argument between the two and because I was trying to comfort and be there for our Lucas I decided to change the channel and put on cartoons at the full blast when Dad came back in he was angry at the fact I'd made him miss the end of the rugby then he had a go at me.

I didn't want to tell you that weekend and I made sure Mollie didn't tell you either as if either of us had of spoiled your weekend it would have been another reason to add to the list and so I wanted to save you the stress.

I hope you can only forgive me Raya, and I just want to say thank you for being my little sister and for me please live your life to the full with auntie Mollie and Nathan and enjoy whatever comes your way.

Well until we meet Raya this is goodbye, take care.

Your Levi xx"

After reading the left behind message I don't feel angry I feel the bitter sadness inside of my heart but whatever happened when he killed himself I hope it was as painless and quick as possible, I move onto the next letter.

The next letter reads: "3 Main Things To Do For My Funeral"

"1. I want you to eulogise me, Raya

2. Flowers must be red, blue and white

3. I want Charlie Puth and Wiz Khalifa's See You Again and for a song for reflection that is your choice, Raya (but make it a good one haha)

Those are the most important things I want to happen at my funeral if you could make that happen I will go to my grave happy
Lots of love, Raya 

Your Levi xx"

With reading these two notes, I fall back onto my bed holding the letter close to my chest and just crying, my heart hurts with every sob but knowing that he wants me to organise his funeral really does mean a lot but that doesn't affect the future that will never be the way I envisioned it, like the day I walk down the aisle I always thought it would be Levi giving me away, the day I came home from the hospital after having my first and second child I always envisioned Levi being the silliest but most amazing uncle to my children and that's now sadly been taken away.