How The Bad Became Beautiful

Part 23 Levi's Demons

Raya's POV: 

After a day with Sophia, I finally start to think about stuff and I know that Sophia's so right if opportunity knocks always answer the door, I grab my phone and start to text "so when's that date?" I text to Nathan, I start to get into my pyjamas the regular tank top and fluffy pyjama bottoms, I wrap my hair into a ponytail when I hear the dial tone for Skype, I run over to my laptop near the window and answer the call "hey sis" says Levi I smile "hiya Levi how's uni going?" I ask "hard but it's all worth it in the end," says Levi "yeah I'm still at the cafe," I say "yeah, yeah still shit?" asks Levi "it's so, so," I say with a shrug "but times money isn't it?" "It is yeah," says Levi "what about your job?" I ask "well that's still shit but if it's part of the curriculum isn't it if they want me to help the elderly I'll do it but it's hard and incredibly sad and it's kind of putting me on a downer," says Levi with a shrug "yeah when you getting back?" I ask "I'm gonna be coming home in two weeks my tutor said it'll be good for my mental health come down to see you and Auntie Mollie and the rest of the family," says Levi "yeah, yeah can't wait to see you, Levi I've got so much to tell you," I say "you too sis, you too," says Levi he looks down at something one of the drawers I think "you alright?" I ask Levi looks back up into the camera "yeah, yeah don't worry Raya anyway I'll see you in 2 weeks love you" says Levi "okay Levi, love you too" I say I blow Levi a kiss his way, and he blows me a kiss back before we say our goodbyes and I go back to my phone to text Nathan back.

Levi's POV:

After coming off the call, I sigh and open up the draw fuck this shit I hate it here I hate being stuck in a university when I have no one to talk to, no one who gets mental health I mean yeah I have my roommates but why should I burden them with my issues? they wouldn't understand in a month of Wednesdays so what's the point, I search round this drawer full of notes until I find a pack of blades, I take them out of the drawer, look at them and fiddle about with the packet in my hand wondering what's another scar? no one notices cries for help not even when it's in front of them so what does my life matter? I don't have a family, I don't have friends, my younger sister who's 20 can hide her mental health better than myself, I eventually stop fiddling with the packet, pull one out and run the blade all down my forearm, fuck it I'm ugly maybe so but where are the reasons why I'm so fucked up beyond belief and the only reason I stay, is due to a stupid picture of Raya when we took a trip to the seaside a few years back and how that girl saves my life I don't know why but I feel like her light protects me from doing the stupid shit that is taking my own life, even though it's so fucking hard, the blade stings the sharp, horrible sting of the blade that sting but it's as addictive a hardcore drug which is really shitty it's a habit that once you get into it you can't get out of it as no amount of doctors or therapy will ever understand no matter how much you shout for help it's like you're an anchor in the ocean of pain but when no one hears your cries what else can you do? So you buy a packet of razor blades and use them when you're at your lowest point and when no one's around that's when the cutting starts it seems foolish but from being 11 going on to 23 you don't just break out of that habit it follows you the second I'm stressed I'll hurt myself, the second I'm on the brink of tears I do it, the second anything goes wrong all it takes is a blade the pain doesn't stop but it helps not great but it helps release the hurt so for anyone out there that says self-harm and suicides are for the weak, the cowardly, the unrationalized emotional idiots of the world how about you listen to this suicide isn't cowardly or selfish it's what you do when the world gets too much for you and honestly if this is my way of comfort so be it.

Raya: 

I lie on my bed with my phone against me "that date how is Saturday afternoon at 1.30" says Nathan's text message "that's fine X" I text back before auntie Mollie steps into my room "you okay Raya?" says Auntie Mollie "yeah, yeah everything's cool just had a video chat with Levi" I say "yeah what did he say?" asks Mollie "well he says he's coming for a home visit in two weeks and how his course at uni's going" I say "but other than that nothing important" "oh right" says Mollie "anyway I'm gonna go to bed soon" "yeah busy day?" I say "yeah just been really busy," says Mollie "so if you need anything you know to come and get it now" "okay then," I say Mollie closes my door and walks off to her room, I message Nate back again "can't wait to see you X" I send the text, two minutes later "I can't wait to see you again babe would you be up for a call before bedtime X," says the text message I look at my closed bedroom door before turning back to my phone and writing a text back "yeah sure X" I send it and a minute later my phone blows up ringing I swipe my phone to answer the call "hello," I say "hey babe you ok?" says Nathan "yeah just had a phone call with Levi and just been chilling really," I say "yeah, how is he?" says Nathan "he's alright he's got a placement looking after the elderly," I tell Nathan "oh right that's right nice that," says Nathan.

Nathan's POV:

"Yeah it is, it is," says Raya on the other line I lie in bed thinking about her "and he's also coming to see me in two weeks as I think he's started to get a bit down recently but hopefully spending a bit of time with us should you know, boost him up a bit" "yeah I get you," I say "yeah," says Raya in a sigh just the way she talks about their close-knit relationship is just one of the nicest things Raya knows where her heart lies and that's with her family and it's so lovely how a woman of 20 can be so family orientated and have such a big heart that honestly if she could see the amazing things she does and the amazing things is she is then maybe her insecurity would vanish but I and Raya and the rest of the world know that wouldn't change if you stuck a metaphorical mirror in front of her and showed her the perfection she is "so this date what would want to do I'll do anything as long as it's not iceskating or rollerblading" I laugh Raya laughs along "well I guess get some food have a few drinks get to know each other a bit more" says Raya "yeah, yeah I'd be good with that" I say I think Raya has just checked her phone "shit the bed man it can't be nearly midnight" says Raya "is it?" I say before checking my phone "shit it is" "yeah I need to sleep got work tomorrow" says Raya "alright beautiful girl I'll message you tomorrow" I say "okay then Nate my handsome scarred warrior" says Raya "goodnight my beautiful Raya-Sunshine" I say I hear her laugh a little and it's the most beautiful sound in the world "night" says Raya and the call hangs up and I'm left in the silence of my bedroom.