upset | edward cullen

eleven

If you're losing your soul and you know it, then you've still got a soul left to lose.

CHARLES BUKOWSKI

"No bed?" Clearly I had a lot to learn still.

"I don't sleep." I didn't try and hide the shock, it was just us. I wasn't afraid of being rude in the comfort of his semi-private room. The door was very much open to his room, I would faint from a different kind of stress if it wasn't. I should probably get that fainting thing checked out because up until Edward Cullen it hadn't been an issue.

"Ever?" Edward was smiling wider, a joke somewhere I wasn't understanding.

"Never." I couldn't understand a life without sleeping or eating. I suppose it was the absence of life. I hadn't fully fathomed the teenage boy I had a crush on being dead and well a century old. Then I noticed he was still as he stood on the other side of the room. I turned towards him fully, my back facing the books.

"You have to fake breathing?" He nodded, smile dropping, and it surprised me how much it hurt. Edward had to be someone else when he was outside of this house, he had to endure so much just to exist alongside me and the rest of the humans. I couldn't fully understand the pressure or weight of it all but I wanted to. I wanted to be there for him. I also didn't expect how much I cared for him. I held my hand out for him and he walked slowly towards me taking my hand. I leaned back against the bookshelves gently, pulling him a little closer. His face was crestfallen, most likely for the same reason as during lunch.

"What's wrong?" I whispered, there was no point, the whisper was hardly heard just by him but it was meant just for him. I wrapped my other hand around his waist while our hands remained by my side.

"What if we're doomed?" It all came back to this, Edward believed strongly in fate but so did I.

"Edward, everything happens for a reason, and unfortunately right now you're stuck with me. Tomorrow if you decide you don't want me any more then I'll deal with it tomorrow. We can't live being afraid that we're fated to...be apart. So far fate has brought us together." He seemed to accept this answer, for now, I had a feeling this discussion wasn't concluded. He pressed a kiss to my forehead and I let my hand fall from his waist. Edward took our joined hands and lifted them above my head and spun me around on my un-sprained leg, I giggled at the motion. When I stopped I faced the books, "okay I have to borrow some of these."

"They're all yours." I grinned at him and he grinned back, for a second we were normal teenagers.

Edward took me home before my mother got home, it was 5 o'clock. I had skipped school for the second time this year but hey I was a senior, it was more acceptable. I had forgotten to talk about what I wanted to talk about, could you blame me? I was processing my boyfriend being dead oh and a fucking vampire.

He walked me to the door, ever a gentleman. I wanted to invite him in but my mom would be home soon and it didn't feel right to sneak around. I could barely handle that we were holding hands let alone that we kissed. I had a lot to process.

"Edward, I know we're serious and there's still some things I want to tell you but can we take it slow?" Was it obvious he was my first relationship, my first kiss, the first hand I'd held romantically? I didn't care if it was, I needed him to understand.

"Of course, it would be easier to control myself if we went slow." I winced as I had forgotten my existence was torture to him for a couple hours.

"How difficult is it right now?" I had my back against my front door and he was about a foot away.

"Not very, the more time I spend with you I get used to it." He stepped forward, pushing a stray hair behind my ear. The touch sent shivers down my spine, I'm pathetic.