How To Save A Life

Chapter twelve: insert funny chapter title here

*trigger warning, mentions of and showing of attempted suicide*

The feeling of silence, and emptiness came washing over me.

It was the middle of the night and I was back on the roof.

A week had passed since we won the strike and I was struggling again.
I  focused on the stars above my head.
Trying to ignore the feeling over taking me.
It wasn't till a while later that I realized I had been scratching at my arms again.

This time, unlike all the other times, simply had no reason.
I looked down at my arm to see the skin around the scars red, not quite bleeding but still raw.

Something about the atmosphere that was left after the strike was making things worse.
I had to get out of here.
To preserve my sanity I quietly climbed down the ladder and back into the house.

Everyone was asleep as I climbed back inside.
I could see Race soundly in his bunk.
I slipped out the door quietly and started down the street.

After a while I found myself on the Brooklyn bridge. I was leaning against the rail staring at the river.

Thoughts clouded my head.
Things I didn't want to be thinking.

I watched the water rush pass.
Things don't make sense.

Maybe they would if I jumped.

No.
Jumping wouldn't change anything.

Suddenly I got another idea. A strange idea. Something that couldn't be true.

That probably wasn't true.
That I hope isn't true.

Maybe it is true.

It's probably is true.
I hope Race doesn't hate me.

He probably thinks I'm a burden.
I'm probably a burden to everyone.

I can remember the last time I was thinking like this.

For a night in April it was surprisingly cold.
But it didn't make me numb enough.

Last time I had made up a reason to not jump.
That I had to wait till the boys knew about me.
That it had to be warm out when I did it.
Race had found me walking back from the bridge crying.

Now all of the things I had used to keep myself from doing it had happened.

I struggled to find another reason.
Nothing came to my mind.

The river continued to rush under the bridge, seeming to draw me in, calling me to jump in.

I squeezed my eyes shut.
Trying to block it out.

Would the world keep spinning if I'm gone?
Yes.

Would the stars still appear in the sky if I jump?
Yes.

The papes would still be printed.

The boys would still be selling them.

So it wouldn't matter if I jumped. 

But I can't jump.
I can't abandon them.
Race would be heartbroken.

I opened my eyes and found myself on the other side of the rail.

How?
I didn't climb out here?
I don't remember?

"Woah....Woah....Woah. What da hell are ya doin?"
I froze, frightened.

"Woah careful. What are ya doin?"
I carefully turned around to see Spot standing there.

Tears started to fall from my eyes.
"Your tryin ta jump aint ya?"
I didn't respond.