A Million Dreams :: verkwan

MD :: 53

*seungkwan*

jihoon hyung was really persistent to tell him about my problems. i was really hesitant to say it since i dont want to add up on his plates. he was still on the stage of accepting everything what had happened between him and soonyoung hyung, those were so sudden that none of usㅡincluding him, himself didnt know that those are coming on their way.

and i know that his state of mind and heart wasnt on the conscious state. i was really worried that if ever i might tell him about what was going on my mind right now, he would be reminded on how much he loves soonyoung hyung.

but guess, i dont have a choice cause he really force me to open up, he even told me that it was so obvious that i cried and he wanted to help me regarding of what im feeling right now.

i heave a sighed before telling him about the happenings, about my love for hansol, about his dreams beforehand, the new york, him leaving, even the five months left and the ones happened earlier at the car. i was very careful with the words i was using since i know that it might reminded him of what happened between him and his love, but good thing that he wasnt. i was so happy by that.

i looked down. "honestly hyung. . im. . im so scared about him leaving me here behind." i do really. i was really scared that his leaving might be my downfall since i love hansol more than i imagine. "i-i dont want him to go, hyung." i tried so hard to stifle a sob when those words came out of my mouth.

no matter how i tried to hide it from my thoughts and from everything just to keep hansol continue chasing his dreams, it will totally shows up. i was so tired by keeping it on my mind for about a month now that i know he was leaving already. i honestly, dont want him to go. i want him to stay, i want him to achieve his dreams with me. . just like what he said earlier.

but i know i cant. i can't stop him from achieving his dreams. i know i should not hold him back, i know i should let him go and fly. i know to myself that i want the best for him, so whatever it was contradicting to what i was feeling deeper in the inside, i should let him. i should help him pursue his dreams by giving him the chance to fly and dont hold him back.

"i was really asking why is it have to be in new york? that country was too far away from here. our time was different from theirs, the places, everything is different from here." i looked at jihoon hyung who was listening to my rants. "why does it have to be in new york when he can achieve his dreams here?. . with me." im crying now again.

jihoon hyung throw his empty coffee container on the trash bin nearby then he scoot closer to looked at me more clearer. he wasnt doing anything to comfort me, but i know that he was there and he'll let me burst out everything i was keeping in the inside.

he heave a sighed. "frankly speaking seungkwan, what you want was an act of being selfish... petty, and childish." he talked slowly like he was really choosing what words to say so that it would be less painful for me. jihoon hyung was fond of cursing to other people, acting care less towards others but because i was one of his friends, i know he was doing his best to choose the wise words for me not to hurt.

i love him because of that. he knows how to control himself and he values me and others more.

"why are you complaining about him leaving when it the first place you're the one who want him to go?"

and that made me stop for a moment. i looked away after getting mortified when those words processed on my mind. what jihoon hyung said was right! why am i complaining when it the first place i was the one who want him to go, to persue his dreams, and to chase those goals! it was so immature of me. i should take responsibility of what i had told to myself and to hansol.