I grew up believing that a person hasn't truly loved when he did not hurt himself in the process. And as I grew older, I proved that the most outstanding present one can offer to oneself after a desiccating relationship are self-respect, self-forgiveness, self-honoring and above all, self-preservation towards self-healing. But I guess up until now, I haven't truly recovered. I am trying; however, trying is not enough to heal the wounds. It is not enough to regain my old self back. It is not enough to find the pieces of my heart that I have lost when you left me. The memories we've made and the promises we've shared are eating me up alive. The pain that you have inflicted is tearing up my soul. You crushed me without noticing my worth. You threw my heart away just like a crumpled piece of trash.
Should I be happy to see you happier? Or should I feel ecstatic that the water is not as rough as it was before?
We never had a formal closure. Why should we? We were never a couple. We are captives of paradox, having an understanding in the middle of life and solace. It was nothing. So it has been easy for you to move on with your life without telling me reassuring words. We both knew it was the end. We stopped talking and lived our lives separately.They say that the greatest of all priceless gifts one can give to another after a long and toxic relationship is peace of mind. But you never gave me that, you left me bruised-- questioning what is wrong with myself, what things got worst and what could I do to stop you from leaving. You took away my heart with you. No, my heart chose to walk away with you. It chose to be pounded as long as you are near than to be healed without you from a near distance.
And then you started to entertain another girl. While I am facing the reality that you are gone. It is a nightmare; however, I could not tell you not to. I am not numb to not feel the angst whenever I see your flirty messages to her over the internet. It pains me. But what could I do? As much as I want to block you, I cannot. I find your presence comforting. That even if your attention is not focused on me anymore, I still find you beautiful.
You do not know what I did when it ended, do you? Or you just chose not to care? I utterly refuse the reading of the cards and the alignment of the stars. I am bruised yet standing. And I choose to be strong, for I know that this bruised heart will beat again. But this time for the right soul. However, when I saw you yesterday with a blank expression, I ate my words. I broke my promises to myself. I became vulnerable to being sad again. Then it made me realize that maybe I was not that strong enough. That maybe I am lying to myself, saying I am fine when in reality I am not.
I could not help but be amazed with your manly features. Nothing has really changed, you are still the same Joshua I fell in love with few years back. Except for one, your eyes.
Your eyes, they shine so bright
I wanna save that light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how.
But the truth is, I can escape. I can live again. I can regain myself the way it should be. I just chose not to. I want to be drowned with your words again, to find solitude with your smiles again. I want to be hurt by you over and over again to be sane, to be sympathetic, and to feel what living is.
I just stood there from a distance. I was memorizing your every move when someone came along. I looked at her from head to toe. She is your Christine. The only girl who can handle you. I made a bugging realization that maybe it was easy for you to move on because you never really loved me. That the love you felt towards me was not the kind of love you are feeling towards her. My eyes began to sore when I saw your fingers intertwine with hers. That hand used to give my cold hand warmth, that stare used to be mine. It was all used to be mine. Was it really mine? Or was I just privileged to experience those kind of things? The touch of your skin to mine. The shivers I got from your sternly stare. The hickeys you left on my neck. The night full of love that we have shared.
I could not help but to reminisce what you have made me feel that night. The way your fingertips traced small circles around my belly made me lose my grip. It was my first time, yet it felt to be the last. I knew it would be the last. You claimed my lips; the kiss we have shared was soft yet intense. You caressed my body like a mother doing it to her child. The tension and the pleasure was heating up. I knew it would lead to another. It was strange, perfectly strange feeling, that I am willing to pay a hundred of dollars to feel that all over again.
My senses got back when my phone rang in tune of your favorite band. I haven't changed my ringtone after the night we decided to part ways. I read the caller I.D. and found out that it was your mom calling me. I wonder what was it all about. It is very unusual for her to call me when she knows we have lost communication for a long time now. With hesitations and doubts, I answered.
"Mia?" the voice over the other line said. I could not deny how angelic her voice is. I used to like her. I really did. But some things never stay the way they are. Everything changes, either for the better or for the worst. "Tita?" I answered.
I heard her deep sighs. She was speaking haltingly. But I clearly heard her as she uttered those three little words that I have been dying to hear from her.
"I am sorry," she said as she ended the call.
