Of The Stars That Breathe

18. I Hate/Love You. (Ajey's POV)

Ajey's POV.

I could literally see the sweat brimming on her forehead. She was staring at me as if I was an alien.

My hands were still cupped on her face. She started to say something, her eyes wider than they ever had been.

"Aj-Ajey...I really don't...Mein kya bo- Ajey I don't know what to say.", she looked at me helplessly.
What?
What did she mean she didn't knew what to say?

It had taken me so much time to come to terms about my feelings for her and she didn't knew what to say?

I removed my hands and backed away a step or two from her.
The shock on my face was very much visible as she tried to reach out to me.
Didn't she feel the same way?

"Ajey, listen to me. I don't know what to say. I mean, I have these type of feelings for you, but- but....but I can't term it as love. Ajey, I am so sorry. I like you, Ajey. I swear I like you. A lot. I like you a lot. But....but yaar, not in that way. Yes, you are special. Fuck, you are the most important person to me right now, and I don't want to loose you. But please samajh ne ki koshish kar, I can't do that right now...I just can't..."

I couldn't believe it.
Peheli baar, Ajey, peheli baar you have let someone in your life.
Dekha na kya hua?
You deserve it.
You deserve it for blindly trusting her.

"You kissed me. You. Not me. You, Ahalya. I didn't ever try to make a move on you. Tune kiya, how-kyun kiya, huh?", I could feel my voice rising.

Why?
Why was she doing this?

She got off the table and advanced towards me. She looked at me kindly while reaching to touch my face. I held up my hand and she got the cue to not touch me.

"Just jawaab de.", I said firmly.

"I am so sorry, Ajey. I am so sorry! I couldn't control it. Not anymore. But I shouldn't had done that. I am so sorry. Please, look at me, Ajey! Just...please. I got carried away...."

I looked at her incredulously, "Kya matlab you got carried away?"

Was she regretting what had happened?
Because, I was.

"Ajey, I like you. And yes, I will say that again and again. But I cannot love you. Not right now. Bahot reasons hai. There are many of them. I don't know if I can love you...Kyunki I am not ready for any of it. I am too scared, Ajey. I am too scared to give you my heart.", she was on the verge of tears.
And so was I.

"If you didn't love me, toh phir yeh kyu kiya?", I could feel the temper rise within me.

"I don't know.", she replied slowly as if speaking to a child.

A tear rolled down my left cheek.
I was speechless.

"Tujhe pata hai mujhe kitna time laga to get around the fact that yes, yes you mean something more than a best friend to me? It was not easy, Ahalya! But you won't get it! You won't fucking get it what it is like to have trust issues! What it is like to be able to finally, finally let someone in your life, for them to just go! Just get out of here!", I almost yelled at her.

She winced.
She advanced towards me, her hands extended to wipe off my tears.
I backed away another step.
She was crying too.
I wish I could wipe her tears off.
Nahi.
No.
She means nothing to me.

"Ajey, sunn meri baat please...Achha, yeh baat batane ke baad pakka chali jaaungi, bas? But please..."

I looked at her.
I looked at the face that I have so dearly loved.
It was now filled of sorrow.
I didn't care.

"I don't care.", was all I replied.

Her face twisted.
She said, "What do you mean you don't care? Huh? Ajey, you are not the only one suffering here! Main bhi hoon! Yes, I admit that I don't have trust issues, and I won't get you. Well, the same goes to you! Do you know what it feels like to have insecurities? Huh? Tell me? What it fucking feels to not be able to tell about your sorrows to your own family? Pata hai? Dubai mein for me you were just a stranger. And I asked a stranger, a fucking stranger, to give me reasons to live! Imagine, how desperate I was!"

I looked at her again.
I hadn't thought of that.
But I also can't comfort her.
And she can't, also.

We saw understanding in each others eyes. I know there was no one who understood my weakness except her. And I, her insecurities.
But.
But there was this...this wide gap between us.
I wish I could hug her again, but I can't.

"Main manti hoon I was wrong. It was wrong to kiss you.", she said.

No, Ahalya.
It wasn't.

"But kissing someone does not mean that you love them, does it? I hope you get it.", she spoke so sweetly to me.

We looked at each other for some seconds.
Suddenly, she was shaken away from this stance.

"It is late, now. Papa aate hi honge. I will be downstairs. We will...I don't know when...but we will meet again, okay? Just....just give me some time. I think you need some too.", she did not once look at me.

I wanted to shake her shoulders and ask her, "What happened to us, Ahalya? Hum aise nahi the!"
But, oh God.

I turned away and heard her close the door and go downstairs.

I broke into tears.
I removed my already moist glasses and placed them on the side-table.
I lay on my bed and cried like I had never done before.
Kiski galti thi? Meri ya uski?
Ya dono ki?

I hugged my Yoda, my tears wetting his ears.
I so desperately wanted Yoda to be Ahalya.

But our problems.
Our fucking problems never seem to leave us, do they?

Was I wrong to trust her?
Was she really worth it?
Worth this all?

I had trusted her, poured myself out to her, is she going to leave me?
She had said that we will meet again, but...but everybody had said this to me and at the end, left.
Can I trust her?

I don't even want to think what will happen to me if she never returned.

Perhaps, that is why she won't come back.
I am a mess.
A complete mess.
And who likes a mess?

And yes, kisne kaha ke if someone kisses you, they are in love with you?
She was right.

Ahalya ne bahot kuchh saha hai.
Of course! Of course, she won't come back!
The last thing she needs is a mess to sort out.
The mess that I am.

Although I wish she would be here with me, a tiny part of my heart wants to say to her ke don't come back.

I would have to let her go.
Thode samay baad, I will eventually forget her, hai na?
But what if I don't?

I cried until I finally slept.
Just before I fell asleep, a picture of a random sentence from a diary came to my mind.
Ahalya's poem book.
She had written:-

'In this sad life, you are my most beautiful tragedy.'

She indeed was.

...

// ke khawahishon pe khawabon ki
baarishein azaabon ki
kahan gayi dhoop
mere hisse ke sawabon ki //

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Peace :)