Of The Stars That Breathe

19. Don't Leave.

30th October, 2021.
3:25 p.m.

I threw the black crayon across the room. It striked the wall and fell down on the floor. I could feel the tears prickling to come out.
I glanced at my scribbling down on the paper. I don't know if I was angry or what, but I scribbled randomly with black crayon and when my hands, my fingers were red with pain, I flung the crayon.

A mess.
A wrecked mess, was what I had drawn.
It was my mind.
All my emotions, feelings, thoughts seemed to be in a haywire-y swirl.
I looked at the paper again.
The black swirls also reminded me of his eyes.
His eyes, which always used to calm me down.
Right now, they weren't calming me down, instead igniting something within me.

I felt the tears gush down my cheeks. It has been a week since our fight. I missed him beyond anything.

I got up and edged my table to glanced at the list that I had written in my diary.

I had this thing for lists. They gave me the feeling that everything was organised, even though they weren't.
Just like now.
My list read:-

' Why Not? :-

1) I am a wrecked mess. The trauma still surrounds me. I don't want him to love someone broken. He deserves better. Much better.

2) Because I don't love him with that much intensity. I think I am falling in love with him. But that's the difference, I am not in love. Giving him any kind of hope will break us both.

3) Because I am scared. Fuck, I am so scared! What if it turns out to be like what was with Dev?

4) Because of my commitment issues.

5) I need time. But I guess, maybe he doesn't have it. '

I sighed.
I wish I could tell him all of this. But I know him. Ajey would tell that he is there for me, but at the end, I would end up hurting him like Dev.
Because that's what I did.
Always.
Hurt people.

I went to my Olaf and hugged him tightly. I wish he was Ajey and not Olaf.
Did Ajey felt the same?

-

1st November, 2021.
8:36 p.m.

I placed the cartons of milk in the refrigerator and removed my earphones and placed the Walkman on the dining table. I had juat came from the nearby dairy shop. I shivered from the intense cold. The cold in Delhi seems to be ever increasing.
The only thing I hate about Delhi.
Ahmedabad mein it would be cold but still bearable.
I was shivering so hard that even my thick black hoodie wasn't able to protect me.
On the other hand, my polka dot PJ's were a mazaak.

I rushed up the stairs to my room. As usual, my plan was to ponder about how I fucked-up everything, followed by a ritualistic crying session, self-loathing and pacing about in the room till sleep finally came.
So you see, just the usual.

I flung open my door to find Papa quitely sitting on my chair.
"Wadduup?", I said, trying to sound all cheerily, but who was I kidding?
Papa hai mere.
Suddenly, I saw a paper in his hand. I went and gave it a look.
My list.
I snatched it away from him and stuffed it in the pocket of my hoodie.
He stared at me sadly and replied, "I read your list."

"The f-"
Papa's eyes widened.
(Note to self:- Control your goddamned tongue, for God's sake, in front of elders, Ahalya)

"Aah, thanks for providing me the privacy.", I replied sarcastically.

He got up and twisted my right ear.
"Ouch, ouch, sorry. Sorry! Aaa aa dukh raha hai!"

"Tune kaha that ki you will share with me everything! Yeh kya hai!", he shouted.