Guide Me • Kylo Ren

Lightsabers

The next day, I woke up to see Rey up the mountain twirling her staff around. I wanted to train her, I just didn't know how.

I was left confused about what to believe in.

I knew what was right and wrong. I've known that since I was a child. I knew stealing was wrong, however, my parents sold me to get off of Tattooine. I knew the dark side was wrong, but the only person I had ever loved was struggling as I was.

I couldn't leave him alone.

I knew Leia wanted me to return to her side and help her with the Rebellion. I knew Luke wanted me to turn back and train Rey. I knew Rey needed a teacher who cared about her successes. I knew Ren needed me back by his side. I knew a lot of things. People depended on me. And I would disappoint at least one of them, if not all.

I felt in my bones the hum from the lightsaber Rey pulled out of her bag. I missed mine. Ren and I built mine together, even added most of the same parts he used for his to mine. I felt more connected to him when I had it on my person. I felt the hum of his, more than ever since I've been gone.

I was pulled from my thoughts when I saw Rey slice the rock in front of her in half. I cringed as it barreled down the mountain. Later that day, Rey came to get me for her second lesson with Luke. I leaned against the cave wall as they talked.

"Lesson two. Now that they're extinct, the Jedi are romanticized, deified. But if you strip away the myth and look at their deeds, the legacy of the Jedi is failure."

"That's not true." Rey tried to defend the Jedi.

"At the height of their powers, they allowed Darth Sidious to rise create the Empire, and wipe them out. It was a Jedi Master who was responsible for the trying and creation of Darth Vader."

"As I recall history, it was a Jedi who saved him. The most hated man in the galaxy, saved by his only son." I looked at Luke.

"You saw there was conflict inside him. You believed that he wasn't gone. That he could be turned." I thought about Rey's words, how they applied to me and Ren.

"For many years there was balance, and then I saw Ben. My nephew with that mighty Skywalker blood. And in my hubris, I thought I could train, I could pass on my strengths."

"Han was Han about it," I cut in.

"But, Leia trusted me with her son and the child she adopted." I looked out to the sunset, to avoid Luke's eyes. "I took them, and a dozen students and began a training temple. By the time I realized I was no match for the darkness rising in him, it was too late."

"What happened?" Rey asked. And I listened.

"I went to confront him. And he turned on me." I looked into Luke's mind and saw the whole thing play out, from his perspective. "He must have thought I was dead. When I came to, the temple was burning. He had vanished with a handful of my students. And slaughtered the rest. Leia blamed Snoke, but it was me. I failed. Because I was Luke Skywalker. Jedi Master. A legend."

"I need someone to show me my place in all this. And you didn't fail Kylo. Kylo failed you. I won't."

I had to step away from the conversation. I saw the two sides of the story. I loved Luke, somewhere deep down, I still did. But Kylo was my heart, and I saw his side. He let me into his mind to see Luke that night.

I walked around the island, somehow I ended up in front of an old tree. I could feel the Force from the Jedi books, in there. I felt the pull. And then I felt Ren.

I can't stop thinking about Han. I know Snoke threatened me, but why?

"Why what? Say it."

Why did you kill Han? You didn't hate him, I know you didn't. Help me understand.

"It would hard for you to. Your parents sold you, so they could have a better life. But you can't stop finding parents, in my mother, in Han Solo. It's your greatest weakness."

Kylo. I gave him a hurt look.

"Let the past die, kill it if you have to. Han Solo is dead, his son is to. And as long as you are with Skywalker, the faster I will lose you to them. To the enemy."

Luke told me what happened that night. I saw into his head. You told me, he threatened to kill me too. That was a lie! Was Snoke's threat a lie too, for you to convince me killing Han wasn't your choice? You might have already lost me, Kylo.

This time I cut off the connection.