kalopsia [harry styles]

27

FALLON COLLINS

Cold air nips at my face as I step out of the apartment complex and into the early New York day. It was one of those mornings, chilly enough for me to shiver but not gloomy enough to be depressing–which was how I felt. For me, it was the gloomiest New York day, but I knew that if it had been any other morning I would have loved the weather. 

Right now though, I didn't even have time to admire the winter season. Thoughts raced though my head like a speeding cars, one disappearing behind the other. I don't even have time to acknowledge them before they're gone.

I slept with Harry.

Well. Not slept, but I slept with him. And we'd kissed.

And it had been so good, and.I hated it. If he'd been a bad kisser maybe I'd had a good chance of forgetting about it and continuing my life as normal–but it was Harry fucking Styles, of course he was a good kisser–exceptional even. 

I understood why so many girls liked him even though he was such an ass. He had good lips, god knows what other things he was good at. 

I was an idiot. A complete and utter idiot.

In what right mind had I thought that kissing him was alright? In what right mind had I ever thought that maybe Harry and I could have been something?

Letting out a shaky breath, I huddle closer to the sweater that Harry had given me, hoping to feel more warm. I could smell his musky, oaky scent, the slightest smell of cigarettes infiltrating my nose. 

I didn't like cigarettes, but for some reason I found myself inhaling the scent again, not wanting to forget what Harry smelt like.

I'd been crazy to ever think that he'd be willing to be something. He was famous, he had girls at his beck and call. He was Harry Styles for gods sake. That sentence repeated like a broken record in my head, not willing to leave until I accepted that I had no chance with him.

The street was buzzing with activity. People walked to and from with determination, just like always. They had places to go, people to see, meetings to attend. All of them had a purpose. Well, I didn't. 

I lick my lips wet as I look around the street, my eyes meeting random people's ones as I walked down the street with no particular sense of direction.

Sometimes I wondered what the hell I was still doing in New York. Sure, it was an amazing city, filled with things to do and parties and opportunities, and yet I did nothing of the sort. I worked at a tiny coffee shop, day in and day out, I went to no parties, I had no social life, I didn't study or have any goals as to what I wanted to do.

I had dreams, and aspirations, but they were dumb and I was out of my mind if I thought I would ever accomplish any of them.

Faith would have thrived in here, though. She would have gone to college and met people and started her own fashion line and married rich. She would have had the cars and the kids and the husband and everything someone could ever have wanted.

And me? Maybe I would have ended up with an art studio, in love with a boy that loved me. Maybe I would have opened my own coffee shop and gotten knee deep in debt, but at least I would've been happy.

I had nothing of that now. No Faith, no art studio, no coffee shop, no social life, no happiness. The only boy I've come close to liking  is emotionally unavailable and snorts cocaine like it's breakfast–not that that's something bad, just not something I would do.

The thought of Harry makes my stomach twist, and I find my chin shaking, resisting the urge to break down sobbing in the middle of 8th and 5th avenue. He'd been a good friend. Our relationship had been amazing and then I'd gone and screwed everything up, like always. Just like Faith, he'd left and I probably would never get him back.

I sniff deeply, wiping the unshed tears off my eyes as I neared my apartment complex. I hadn't even noticed I'd been walking in this direction. Force of habit, I guess.

I grab my phone, checking for unread text messages or missed calls. Instead, the date stares back at me with a blank, notification-less screen.

December 14, 2019

I loved Christmas, but right now I dreaded the thought of it. I didn't have anyone to spend it with. Mother and Father wouldn't even bother to call, Nadia always went home for the holidays and Harry... I guess he was out of the question.

I purse my lips, recalling the fact that he'd said nothing had changed, and maybe nothing had–on his part. When I'd seen him in the morning, it had looked like the kiss hadn't mattered to him. For him it was just another make out session with another desperate girl that had given in to his charm.

Had I? It hadn't felt like that to me, but you never knew what Harry was thinking. He was unpredictable; unreadable. I hated it.

My phone buzzes in my hand and I jolt in shock, not realizing that I stopped walking and was now standing on the outside of my apartment building. Few people milled around, entering or leaving apartment complexes. Generally, my street wasn't really a busy one. 

I look back down at my phone, my brow creasing at the notification popping in my home screen, catching my attention like a moth to the light.

Harold: I'm sorry if I came out rude, I just don't want to damage the friendship that we have.

Friendship. Yes, Fallon, that was what it was. Nothing more, nothing less.

I look at the text, blinking slowly as my head processed every word, every letter that he'd just sent. I read it about three times before I finally opened the chat, tapping on the text bar and clicking the keys on the screen. 

I bite my lip, ignoring my racing heart and all the unanswered questions in my head as I finished typing the rest of my message.

Fallon: Yeah, no worries. Consider everything that happened last night forgotten :).

I look at the text, reading it a couple of times over to make sure I've written everything I need to say.

Maybe it was for the best. I didn't want to risk losing him too and if that meant that we would only be friends, then so be it.

And then I clicked send and shut off my phone, not wanting to be reminded of him. 

I sigh, looking around at nothing and everything at once. Just like that we were friends. 

And I wished nothing more than to go back in time and erase everything that had happened. 

a/n I'm so sorry I haven't updated in AGES i swear I had a lot going on but I'm back :) Thank maggie and doni for that because without them I wouldn't have updated in probably a couple more months. 

tell me what you think about this chapter I want to know!