The Swimming Butterfly (Giyushino Fanfic)

Chapter 14

 𝚃𝚘𝚖𝚒𝚘𝚔𝚊 𝙶𝚒𝚢𝚞

I looked at the floor as I prepared to leave. 'I shouldn't embarrass her any more than I already have.' Although the humiliation I felt was overwhelming, I hid it all away deep inside. I clenched my eyes and fist in anger and shame, stumbling over a chair leg as I rushed out of the room. 'What was I thinking? I'm always alone. Everyone hates me! Why would she be any different? I was too blind with love to see that my feelings were truly mutual' I broke into a sprint, ignoring my manners, almost running into a few people. 

I ran out into the courtyard, sprinting aimlessly. After an hour of running, I sprawled onto the grass beneath me, completely exhausted. "Ouch." As I fell onto the floor, the grass was much harder than anticipated, feeling more like asphalt than grass. Too fatigued to deal with the excruciating pain, I laid on the floor, gasping for air. 'Why am I so indifferent to everything? Or so antisocial? I never wanted to be this way. Even my cry of pain was monotone.' I brought my right arm to my eyes to block the blinding lights coming from the sun. 

'I've never felt anything like this. She's the only one that makes me feel anything other than sadness or anger. All of them are new feelings, undiscovered territories, all of them clean and pure.' Under the warmth of the sun, a sudden memory was triggered. 

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I was in the pond, jumping and splashing around. "Giyu! Don't scare all of the koi fish away! Don't get your haori wet either!" She chuckled as she watched me play in the water. Heeding her warnings I quickly calmed down, but continued to waddle around the pond. I looked back at Tsutako sitting next to her fiance, both taking refuge from the sun underneath the roof. She laughed politely, but the gleam in her eyes and her smile were both genuine. The sun beat down on my neck, causing me to pull my haori up to protect my nape. I frowned as I couldn't figure out what was so fun sitting next to someone.

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"Tsutako... is this feeling the love that you always rambled about? Is this what caused you to shine brighter than every other girl in town? Is this what is causing me to fall apart?" My heart began to throb, from the sadness of reminiscing or the feeling of love, I could not discern. Under the warmth of the sun and the cool breeze, along with my weariness, I quickly became drowsy. The grass slightly pricked my neck, the bird's chirping reaching my ears. The wind tickled my nose, the rustling of leaves creating a pleasant noise. The stream of water a few meters away trickling down the rocks, carrying fish along for the ride. I smiled, reminded of a time where there were no demons.

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Everyone avoided me, talking in groups of two or three, taking note of my every move. I felt glad at my shunning, relieved that I didn't have to interact with people. After the death of Sabito and Makomo a few days prior, I still felt numb. I took relief in the solitary lifestyle it seemed I would partake in, only interacting minimally every month with these people. Noticing the feeling of comfort I felt, I suddenly felt disgusted with myself. 'I don't deserve to be here. Sabito was the rightful heir to this position, yet he died to protect a scumbag like me.' 

My eyes widened in anxiety as I remembered the scene of Makomo and Sabito being slaughtered while protecting me. Bile began to build up in the back of my throat. I ran to the garden where I promptly vomited. It just wouldn't stop, the anger, sadness, disgust, my patheticness, the demon, the anxiety, the fear, exiting my body. I gripped a fence post as I continued to belch. Tears began to race down my face as I continued with the disgraceful sight. When finished, I sat on the floor since my legs and core were too weak to support my body weight.