Unexpected Love

Chapter Eighteen

Harry and I had been weird with each other since he told me the truth. So many thoughts had been going through my mind and I was scared of them. I'd never looked at another man in this way before and although I knew it was normal, it wasn't normal for me. I wasn't gay. I'd been in a committed relationship with Eleanor for five years, I would have known if I was gay. Harry just had this effect on me, and I couldn't put my finger on exactly why. We'd avoided each other as often as we could, hanging out with our own groups of friends instead of being together. We'd plan things knowing that it would mean not being together. Whenever Liam or Niall came over, they'd go out, coming back late and going straight into Harry's room. I spent more time at Zayn's place than I ever had before. Harry and I hadn't shared a bed in two weeks, ever since he told me. It wasn't because I was angry at him, in fact it had nothing to do with what he had told me, it was all because I was feeling things for this man that I hadn't felt before. I kept repeating to myself that I wasn't gay. Every time I had a thought about Harry's body or his lips, every time I thought about kissing him or holding his hand or being intimate with him, I found myself crying in a ball on the bathroom floor. Staring at the razor sitting on the shelf. I wasn't gay. I couldn't be gay. Yes, I found him attractive. Yes, I thought about him more than I should. Yes, I was scared.

"Oi, Louis, get out here!" Zayn shouted, causing me to drop the razor that was hovering over my skin. I was so close. I couldn't take the thoughts anymore and I wanted a way out. "I thought you wanted to leave before Harry came home?"

"Yeah, two seconds!" I shouted back, flushing the toilet to pretend I wasn't just thinking about hurting myself. I looked at my appearance in the mirror, plastering a fake smile on my face. I wasn't eating or sleeping properly again, and I looked terrible for it. I stepped out of the bathroom, going downstairs to see Zayn waiting for me by the door. It was the middle of summer and the sun was shining so bright it made me feel sick. The weather didn't reflect my mood and I hated it.

Zayn had tried his best to cheer me up, but I wasn't much fun. I just wanted to go home and curl up in bed. I unlocked the front door and walked inside. All the lights were off, so I assumed Harry wasn't home. I sat on the sofa, staring into the darkness, when I heard footsteps behind me. I whipped my head around, looking straight at the person I was trying to avoid. "Sorry, I didn't know you were back..." he muttered, rushing to put his boxers on. I didn't say anything, I just stared directly at his naked body. "Louis?" he smirked.

"What? Oh, sorry, just got back. Sorry. I'll... um... I'll leave."

"Were you checking me out?"

"No! Um, maybe. I don't know..." I sighed, looking down at the floor. "I don't know anything." I was checking him out. I was enjoying the way his chest looked. I was enjoying the way his wet hair dripped down his body. I was enjoying how his legs looked so strong. I was attracted to Harry Styles. I ran around him, bounding up the stairs, throwing myself into bed. What was happening? Why was I having these feelings? I had this overwhelming urge to throw up, so I rushed to the bathroom, forgetting to lock the door. I hurled into the sink, not having time to lift the toilet lid. My stomach churned, and I felt my insides cramp. My head was spinning, and I thought I was going to pass out. The tears tumbled down my cheeks, and I bawled until I had an idea. I stood up, reaching for the razor, and sinking back down to the floor. I held it to my wrist, feeling the cold blade against my warm skin. This was it. I took a deep breath and pressed the blade down. I screamed. The pain was excruciating. Suddenly, the door flung open and Harry stared down at me, his mouth hanging open. I looked up at him as he knocked the razor from my hand, and I heard it scuttle across the floor. He grabbed a flannel and put it under the tap. He didn't say a word to me as I sat there crying. He placed it on my wrist, and it began to soak up some of the blood. He picked me up, cursing under his breath as he carried me to my room. He placed me on the bed, pulling me towards him and stroking my hair. "I'm here, Lou. I'm right here. I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry." He continued to mumble into my hair, but I was crying too much to understand everything he was saying. He used the flannel to wipe away the remaining blood, studying the wound. "Thankfully, it's not too deep. What were you thinking?" he asked, turning my head to face his.

"I can't do this," I whispered, pulling my head away. "I can't deal with it."

"With what, Lou? Is it me?" I nodded slightly, and I felt his body tense up. "I'm calling Zayn," he stated, reaching for his phone from his pocket. I didn't have it in me to argue. "Zayn, yeah, no. It's Louis. He tried to hurt himself. No, he's fine. I need you to come over. Okay, thanks." Neither of us said another word until Zayn came through the door. He ran over to me, looking at the slight cut.

"Jesus, Louis! What were you thinking? Why didn't you talk to me?" I didn't answer. Instead, I looked at my wrist, noticing the dried blood. Harry moved me off him, standing up and following Zayn out of the room. I could hear them whispering to each other outside the door. "Harry, what the hell happened?"

"I don't know! I got out of the shower and came downstairs; I didn't know he was here. I noticed him checking me out, so I mentioned it. He just got up and ran upstairs. Then I heard him throwing up in the bathroom, so I went to the kitchen to get him some water. When I heard him scream, I ran upstairs to find him sitting in the bathroom, a razor against his wrist. He looked a mess. It's all my fault, he said so himself!"

"Come on, mate. That's not true. Louis' just struggling."

"I need to leave. He can't be around me." There was a moment of silence before I heard Harry's bedroom door close, followed by banging. Zayn came back in, laying down on the bed next to me. We didn't say a word. I started to fall asleep, but then I heard Harry go down the stairs and out of the front door. I let out a small whimper, and Zayn shushed me until things went black once again. 

Poor Louis, he really is struggling to understand his emotions. Don't forget to vote and comment!