A Light In The Dark {Zuko}

11: Grief

I gasped, choking on the cool night air. Sweat beaded my skin. My nightgown clung to me as I tore the blankets away. The night was dark and calming, bringing me back to reality.

But there was no escape.

No one could stop the shadows from seeping into my dreams. No one could stop the ache in my chest.

I saw her everywhere. In my dreams and nightmares. Around every corner. In every smile. She haunted me and I didn't want her stop. I didn't want her to leave, because that meant she was truly gone. I wanted the pain. It reminded me she was there. That she had loved me. That she was real.

I screamed her name, called out to her in the midst of my dreams. I needed her. I wanted her. But she would never come.

Every day was the same. Laying in bed, staring at the wall, watching the rays of light fade in and out. I choked on my tears, blinded by the sorrow. I never slept. My eyes were puffy and dark from lack of sleep. I barely left my room.

Kano began to sleep in my bed. He held me close, burying his head into my neck as he cried into my skin. I felt him shake with each sob. He cried every night and every morning. I held him as tight as I could, whispering sweet nothings that even I knew wouldn't do anything. What was there to say to a young boy who didn't understand his own grief? Who didn't understand why his Mom would never come home and tuck him in at night or kiss his forehead in the morning?

I remember on the third night he stayed with me, he finally talked.

"Kiki?"

I had looked down at him and his big, sad green eyes. "Yes?"

"I miss Mommy," he had softly whispered.

Tears had sprung to my eyes as I squeezed him tighter, not wanting to let him go. "Me too." I had cried into his hair, whispering the words over and over.

I tried my best to be everything he needed. Somehow, that helped me more than anything. But even Kano couldn't chase away the nightmares.

I remember, one night, when the grief was at it's peak, Dad and Ren found Kano and I in bed. Their eyes were red and swollen as they both crawled under the covers with us. Ren wrapped himself around Kano, as I did, while Dad held me against him. We cried for a while together. Just laying there, sharing our sorrow.

It was Dad who began telling us stories about her. He told us of his adventures with her back in the colonies. How fearless she was. He told us how impressive she was with a sword and how she beat him in hand-to-hand combat within seconds. He laughed at the memory, lifting our spirits slightly. He mentioned their travels. How they explored the Earth Kingdom in their first year of marriage. How they were overjoyed when they found out they were pregnant with Ren. How her face would glow as she walked around with a large belly, cradling her unborn babe as if it were her sole pride and joy. He kept telling us how beautiful she was. How strong she was. How much he loved her.

I knew he cried as he told us these stories. I felt the tears fall on my head while he held me. I squeezed his arms, holding both him and Kano tighter to me as he continued to talk.

I caught Ren's eye at one point and we both weakly smiled, sharing in the bond of our family for this one night.

I don't remember how long we stayed like that. I don't even remember if we fell asleep. I only remember how the pain didn't feel quite so suffocating anymore. That we weren't entirely alone. That she didn't truly leave us, as we lay there sharing our favorite memories of her.

I would always remember that night, how close I was with my Dad and brothers. How much love we shared and felt for each other. For a brief moment in time, the grief had settled and washed away.