Sometimes, our eyes only long to see someone close to us,
our body longs for the warmth,
yet our heart longs for true consumption.
It is hard to speak when you have a head full of thoughts, yet you have no words.
When you have a lot of thoughts, but an empty head.
When your heart is full but you have not a grain of knowledge about who you are.
Today is a day like that. Last night even, then this morning.
I was thinking.
Then I thought.
And now that I think, I have little to no clue about who I am.
What is my life worth? Hmm, not that question.
Just a simple question that every child, and many times adults wonder about.
I have taken on so many personalities that if you were to count, you would find a new boredom. I have gone through such a world in my head, that I would see the unseen. It became a new normal for me. It became a new me.
Then came the eyes I could not meet in the mirror, yet the eyes I could not wait to gaze at. There came my insanity. Talking in double. Having conversations in my head, and a slightly different person to me, replying to the same pondering. Same voice, different feeling.
I thought how weird is it, is every person like that? Everyone talks in one, I talk in two. One has a name, the other does not, yet none of them carry my name. I am there, I am the one talking or doing something, yet at times it feels as if I am far in the mind, watching a show through the eyes whose owner is the one acting.
Later on I found out, after doing self analysis for a long while, that at times people experience something called USDD or DDNOS.
Then again, was that my reality or something I have implanted in my own brain? I liked the thought of something taking over in my mental moments. I needed to go insane as to stay sane. All the while I kept reminding myself "In the end, never forget some specifics. Only you can control your own mind, and keep it together. Only you can make yourself sane."
Then I have really reached a far away place. I was so tired, drained from everything, few months ago. I was so sure I would not live past that year, all while secretly thinking "You will, just let some time pass. You know you will live, these thoughts are only momentary. It is all you.", therefore, I lacked plan of future. I was so drained, mostly because I kept chasing after the kid of my past, because deep inside, I wished that that kid never changed nor challenged God. I took over to save that kid, but the soft voice of my head says that I destroyed all the reality and possibilities it could have had. I was so drained, because I was so lost.
Lost in confusion, like an illusion (as that one song says).
Then, few months ago I was on a long bus ride.
