Crashed Into You.

9th

C H A P T E R 9

Days have passed already. My conversation with Syd remained on my head. Somehow, the heaviness that I'm feeling became so much lighter. Because all of the things I've said were true. They came straight from my heart.

I know some people would say that I should be thankful instead for having someone who's capable of reciprocating my feelings. But what can I do? I don't want to fool myself anymore. I want to be real with myself this time.

I realized that maybe I just got stuck with the idea of loving him. I got used to admiring him. That I am still capable of liking someone else.

I sighed. It's a Sunday evening. I looked at the glass wall and saw how dark it is outside. It's raining very hard.

Suddenly, I heard my phone rang. I slowly went near my side table to get it. I answered the call without knowing who the caller is.

"Yssandra..."

Of course. I expected a phone call from him already. I wonder why it took him days just to call me. His voice was very deep. He sounded melancholic too.

"Yes?" I uttered. Almost a whisper. I sipped on my mug while I'm looking at the city lights in front of me. It's very cold right now because of the weather.

I heard him sigh.

"I gave you a few days so you'd be able to think and have time for yourself..." He started. His voice was very calming.

"Thank you for that. I was able to think about it thoroughly. I know Sydney informed you about it already. I don't want to repeat it anymore--"

He cut me off.

"No. I want you to say those things right in front of me." He said it as if I can't do anything about it anymore. I sighed. Maybe he thinks that I can still change my mind if his eyes are all on me.

And so I agreed. I agreed meeting up with him. I want to end this already.

The next morning, I wore my usual puff sleeves dress. I put my hair in a half ponytail using a white ribbon. The moment I arrived on the coffee shop, my eyes immediately found him. He arrived early. I walked near him and stopped right in front. His eyes followed me.

I smiled before I took a seat. His eyes were very different. I saw different emotions. From there, I can already tell the difference between ending this through the phone and ending this personally.

I don't know where to start. But I decided to initiate the conversation.

"How are you?" Napakurap kurap ako sa sinabi. I gulped. He's just looking at me intently as if he's trying to read me.

"I am not okay and you know why." He said it without taking his eyes off me. He's way more serious than the usual. I licked my lips and looked down.

"Well, I can't do anything about that--"

"Are you sure about this, Yssandra?" He asked. Bahagya akong natigilan. Oo, sigurado ako. Iyon ang alam ko. Dahan dahan akong tumango. He scoffed. Umiling iling siya.

"This is making me crazy. I became way too busy reaching my dreams just to be able to prove to everyone how much I deserve you that I didn't even notice that you're slowly drifting away from me." He sounded so frustrated and hopeless. Hindi ko siya magawang matignan. Lalo na dahil alam kong dito na nagtatapos ang lahat.

Everything just happened all of a sudden. Hindi parin nagsisink in sakin ang lahat. Hanggang ngayon ay gulat parin ako dahil hindi ko kailanman inasahan na aabot kami sa ganito. Ang alam ko lang ay gusto ko nang magpakatotoo sa sarili ko.

"You deserve everything, Thaddeus. I loved you, okay? I know this is all of a sudden. Ngunit hindi ba sadyang ganito naman talaga? Na posible pala talagang mawala ang pag-ibig sa isang pagpikit at pagdilat?"

Umiling iling siya. Nakatitig siya nang deretso sa aking mga mata. His teary eyes made my heart softer. Umiwas ako ng tingin.

"How about giving chances..." He said. This is the very first time that I heard that tone from him. He sounded desperate. As if he's begging for something very impossible from the heaven. As if he's begging to God to give him another life.

"You are a very clever person, Thaddeus. I know it will be easy for you to comprehend and compromise---"

"Not when it's about you, Yssandra."

I bit my lower lip. Tinanaw ko siyang halos mawalan na ng pag-asa.

"Bakit ngayon mo lang sinabi sa'kin ang nararamdaman mo?" Gusto kong malaman. Gusto kong malinawan. Nang sa ganoon ay gigising ako kinabukasan nang walang pinagsisisihan.

Umiling iling siya, "Dahil naduwag ako." He clenched his jaw. "It's so hard for me to swallow the pill and accept that maybe they are right. That maybe I'm still no good for you,"

You are more than enough. I don't even wanna ask for more if I have you. But that was before.

"You are enough. But I have to end this now. I don't wanna get involved with you anymore,"

Silence. . .

Dahan-dahan siyang tumango. Na para bang sinusubukan niyang tanggapin ang lahat.

"Is this really what you want?" He asked. One more time.

"Yes." I answered without taking my eyes off him.

He nodded, "Kung ito ang pinili mong mangyari sa ating dalawa, tatanggapin ko. Hindi ko ito pinili pero dahil ito ang gusto mo, hahayaan ko."

Na para bang kung mayroon mang magsisisi sa amin, ako yon.
Ako lang.

Hindi ko mawari kung bakit ganito kalabo ang nararamdaman ko. Na para bang gusto ko lang pagtakpan ang totoo kong nararamdaman.

Marahil ay gusto ko pa, pero pagod na akong mahalin ka.

"Ito ang pinili ko, Thaddeus. Ito ang gusto kong pahahantungan na'tin. Na kung bibigyan man ako ng isa pang pagkakataon na papiliin, ito parin ang magiging desisyon ko." There, I said it. I said as if I'm very sure of it.

I know him.
He'll respect my decision.

And then again, there was silence.

After a few minutes of me staring at him while he's looking down—sobbing... He wiped his tears and nodded again.

"I'll respect that, Yssandra. Maybe this will be the last time that we'll talk to each other, kaya susulitin ko na..."

I licked my lower lip while waiting for another set of sentences coming from him.

"Yssandra, just know that, I will always love you. Mahal kita noon, ngayon, at sa mga susunod pang mga bukas. At Alam kong hindi na kita mapipilit na may maramdaman pang muli..." He sobbed. "Because of that, I will continue to wish to the heaven and wishing stars that if I will not be collided to you in this lifetime, I hope that in a parallel universe, I will now be crashed into you."

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