Crashed Into You.

8th

C H A P T E R  8

I was so tired the day after the party. I just slept all day. I didn't even bother to answer their calls and messages. I thought Thaddeus will force me to go home that night because of the huge amount of liquor that I consumed but he didn't.

Sinabihan niya lang ako na iwasan ang masyadong pag-inom at mag-ingat. That's one thing that I like about him. He's not manipulative and controlling.

Weeks have passed already but my conversation with Sydney suddenly flashed on my mind. I sighed. I feel like I overreacted. I shouldn't judge her especially when I don't even know the whole story. I should apologize. I let my emotions take over me when I shouldn't.

Malayo ang narating ng iniisip ko. Hanggang sa mayroon akong narealize. My love for him is too much. I've been loving him ever since we were kids. Hindi ko kailanman inisip ang mga pwedeng gawin para lang kalimutan ang nararamdaman kong ito.

Ngayon lang.

Maybe I should stop now. Hinayaan ko ang sarili kong gustuhin siya. Hindi ako kailanman naghangad ng kapalit. I just let myself adore him. I am not really asking him to reciprocate my feelings. Now, I want to focus on myself this time. I want to grow.

And in order for me to achieve that, I should recognize my wrongdoings first. I should be open for changes. I want to sort out my feelings.

I took a deep breath. I started writing down the things that I want to remember and the things that I should do.

I want to talk to Sydney and apologize to her sincerely. She's probably aware that I have feelings for Thaddeus. She's always so kind to me.

And so I did...

Maaga akong dumating sa meeting place na napagkasunduan namin ni Sydney. I texted and told her that I want to discuss a few things to her. She agreed.

Before I went here, inisip ko na ang lahat ng gusto kong sabihin. Para masigurado ko na wala akong makalimutan na kahit na anong mintis.

Sydney arrived after a few minutes. She smiled at me before she sat on the chair in front of me. I took a sip on my juice first. I ordered a milkshake for her as well.

"Thank you for agreeing to meet up with me despite of your busy schedule." I started. Umiling siya at ngumiti.

"It's okay. I also wanna talk to you." She answered. I licked my lips. Bahagyan akong napaiwas ng tingin nang maramdaman ang biglaang pagbilis ng tibok ng puso ko. Binalik ko rin kaagad ang tingin sakaniya.

I cleared my throat, "Uh, I just wanna apologize to you. I know I've been harsh to you that night. I accused you of being a cheater even if I don't have much evidence."

Napakurap kurap siya. She chuckled. "Ah, wala iyon. Kalimutan mo na. Hindi lang naman ikaw ang nagsabi sa akin niyan."

I bit my lower lip. Dahan dahan akong tumango.

"A lot of students are saying that I'm seeing Lorshaw despite of being in a relationship with Deus." She added. I let her talk and I just listened.

"It's true, Sandra." Aniya at ngumiti. She looked at me straight into my eyes and all I can see is her sincerity. She took a deep breath first before continuing the discussion.

"Thaddeus saved me from a very toxic relationship. My ex was very abusive and Deus was there. He helped me to get out of that relationship." She licked her lips. She's looking down while she's saying these things to me. "From the very first time, I felt free. The days of being with him made me feel safe and secured. Something that I've never felt before. Which is why, I really do understand why you like him. Dahil miski sarili ko ay hindi ko narin napigilan. I can't help but fall for him."

She looked at me to see my reaction but I remained serious. As if I'm not affected when deep down I feel like my heart's pounding so bad.

"But I learned that he likes someone else. Iyon nga lang, pakiramdam niya ang hirap hirap abutin ng babaeng iyon. Na kahit na sobrang lapit ay hindi niya parin magawang makamit. He sees her as someone that's way too out of his league. Someone told him kasi na hindi niya deserve ang babaeng iyon dahil wala pa siyang napapatunayan," She laughed softly.

I know where this conversation is heading but I still remained silent.

"Sinabihan rin siya na humanap na ng iba. Which is why he had a lot of flings and girlfriends. He was very eager to forget about his feelings in order to make things less complicated. Pero kahit anong pilit niya hindi niya magawa. Kasi nga mahal na mahal niya talaga yung babaeng iyon. And then I gave him a suggestion...I told him that we can pretend as lovers while he's reaching his dreams. At kapag nakamit niya na iyon at mayroon na siyang napatunayan, we can break up and he can finally be with the one he truly loves. Because he deserves that. Ngunit iyon na yata ang pinaka maling ginawa ko dahil mukhang mas napalayo ang loob mo sakaniya....

".....and now I want to clear things up. I like him. I want him to be happy and his happiness is you. I want to serve as your bridge. I want to help him too and I think saying this will be a great way. I hope you'll continue to wait for him, Sandra."

She looked at me with those teary eyes. Umiwas ako ng tingin. All this time, I thought it was a one sided love. But hell, it is way more complicated.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit ganito ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. I am not bothered with the idea of Thaddeus liking me back. I didn't even think about the possibility back then. It made me realize now that I am not really asking for a relationship with him. Yes, I always admit that I love him but maybe not this way. I treasure him a lot at hanggang doon lang 'yon.

I care for him. I adore everything about him.

But that doesn't mean that I'm looking forward to having a future with him. Posible nga pala talagang magmahal ka sa ganitong paraan. Posible palang tanggapin na hindi lahat ng gusto ay kailangan mong makuha. Sapagkat sapat na ang gusto mo lang.

"Well, I am very sorry Sydney. I wanted to talk to you because I'm doing this for myself. I don't want to be involved with the both of you anymore." Pinilit kong panatiliin ang kalmadong boses.

Hindi ko alam kung saan ko nakuha ang lakas ng loob ko na sabihin ang ganitong mga bagay. I did all my best to handle this in the most matured way. I've already made up my mind.

"I am also very sorry because I cannot wait for him anymore..."

Ang mga sinabi ni Sydney ang mas lalong nagparealize sakin ng aking nararamdaman. Napagtanto ko na ang pagmamahal na nararamdaman ko ay hindi naghahanap ng katumbas.

"....because I am done loving him." I uttered.