Eating disorder

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I am starting to have an eating disorder I haven't ate in days and if I did eat.Its like a small snack.If I eat a big meal I hate my self I want to throw it up but I can't.Because even when I force myself nothing happens.Like when I don't eat I start to have anxiety attacks.Then I have to eat something but I only eat something small.I also have social anxiety I'm so scared to be around people.Its funny cause when I was like 4 to 7 I would love to be with people.But after that I couldn't be around people I can't talk to people with out being nervous.I was gonna go to a concert but I said scared and the concert was going to be in August.I can't take living like this I hate it so much I try to do everything I can to keep me from feeling how I do but I can't.I have my attacks I want to crawl in a hole and die or kill myself.I get judge I cut myself if I remember my past that haunts me I can't take it.I have to take medicine to make me feel sane because the doctors think I'm insane.I stopped going to the counseling and stopped the pills I have a few cuts that are fading.Now that I don't cut I'm getting cuts all the time but it's not the same feeling I get when I put the blade to my skin.I honestly don't know how long I can take till I want to end it.I want to see how my future is but if I still fill this way I can't do it and if I have kids and I'm still like how I am.I won't put up with it I need help not the kind of help of medicine.

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