everywhere in the stars ( gerz )

5. The Kids from Yesterday

(AN: TW !! anxiety attack and alcohol - do you even care ?)

"I like your hair." I said tweaking one of her pigtails.

Lindsey snorted as she laughed again, and I could see how easy it would be to fall in love with her. I melted a little more every time she laughed, the tension eased.

She ruffled my hair. "Thanks, I like your hair, too."

We had finally made it to the tree from yesterday and we couldn't stop acting like little kids.

Lindsey reached down, pulling a small metal flask from her boot.

"You want some? Think it's imported." Her nose wrinkled slightly as she sniffed the opening of the container.

I knew better than anyone else that I didn't have the best relationship with alcohol, but sometimes it was great. I had found life was only perfect or totally awful at once, there was no in between, alcohol was much the same. 

But things had been pretty good so far, I figured I could use the confidence boost some booze would give me.

"Yeah, alright then."

Lindsey took a quick sip, handing me the flask. I mirrored her, sniffing at the liquid handed over in the dark. I frowned at the familiar scent, definitely vodka of some kind. I took a deep breath and lifted the opening to my lips, swallowing down an unknown amount in a few gulps.

Her eyes widened slightly as she watched me swallow it down and hand the bottle back. She smirked and placed it on the ground.

I grimaced and stuck my tongue out in a show of disgust, the alcohol burning the back of my throat.

"You okay there? That's some pretty strong stuff . . ."

She gently placed a hand on my arm for support as we sat against the tree together. It was grimy and covered with moss, not to mention cold as fuck, but it was the best we could do.

"Y-yeah, I'm fine," I shot her an uncertain look, prompting another snort of laughter from her. "So, what's your deal anyway? The guys ever piss you off?" I asked curiously, a warmth setting in my core now.

Her red-painted lips curled to a smirk. "Oh, my guys piss me of somehow, but that's just because they're natural idiots. I just wanted to be alone for a bit tonight, I'm not always about being so loud and outlandish."

"Oh shit, you want me to go?" I was quick to get up from the tree and step away.

Lindsey frowned slightly. "Why would I want you to go, Gee?"

I hesitated on my response at first, flustered by the drop of 'Gee' so casually, only my closest friends called me that.

My mouth opened, then closed. "You just, you said you wanted to be alone tonight. I figured . . ."

"I just meant away from the group, that's all. I want to keep talking to you." She patted the spot next to her, smiling in a way that made my cheeks burn. Thank god it was dark. "And you look like you want to be alone, too." She paused. "So come and be alone together with me."

I thought that might just be the most romantic thing I'd ever heard, like a song lyric, or maybe a poem.

I couldn't waste any time accepting that offer, settling down beside her in the damp, midnight grass with our legs stretched out beside each other.

We glanced at one another again, both seeing something in the other's haze, something below the surface.

After a minute or so of oddly comfortable silence, she placed her hand over mine. I turned my hand, letting our fingers entwine. It was a small gesture, but I could feel my heart racing as butterflies exploded in my guts.

But that little moment of exposure with Lindsey proved too much.

That soft, vulnerable feeling I had let myself fall into, froze. A sudden rush of anxiety overcame me, or maybe it had been there for a while, only just surfacing.

My hand began to tremble in hers, my fingers twitching involuntarily. It felt like I couldn't breathe, like the world was spinning around me as the floor fell beneath us. 

I tried to breathe, but it was only followed by a succession of more and more, growing more desperate and rapid. Lindsey sat up straight, moving to my line of sight, unknowingly making my embarrassment further rocket as our eyes met.

She's going to hate me for this. She's going to hate me. She can't see me like this . . .

"Gerard? What is it? What's wrong?" She frowned with concern, that warm expression all gone now.

"I-it's, uh . . ." I exhaled, trying to fight against my own mind. It didn't work. Everything was too much, it was all too real. "Fuck, I'm sorry . . ." My throat tightened.

My stomach churned with knots of nerves and an unfortunate amount of booze. Even in a panic attack I felt the need to be apologetic to the pretty girl who was sat with me.

No, no, no. She can't see me like this. I should have never came . . .

"Hey, hey, look at me!"

Somehow, she cut through the static tornado of panic swirling all around me, her presence being the only solid thing in my surroundings. Her hands held both of mine now, gently rubbing circular patterns into my palms. 

It was a calming feeling, something small and real to focus my mind on. I clung to that feeling, no matter how small it was.

"I think I get what's happening. Anxiety, right?" Lindsey was smiling softly again, pulling me back out of my own head bit by bit as she rubbed my palms and kept eye contact. I nodded in response, too short of breath to say much, and too panicked to think of any words to say.

"I've had the same before, don't worry. Just focus on your breathing, yeah? We'll do it together."

I nodded my head slowly, my eyes fixed on Lindsey's. So beautiful and so kind, I felt I might have met an angel that night. Together, we took slow and rhythmic breaths, holding one another's hands tight.

It took a few minutes, sitting and breathing with her, holding onto those soft hands like anchors to reality, but gradually I came down from the panic attack.

My fingers twitched slightly, tingling with some kind of static feeling, but at least I could breathe now. Lindsey nodded and moved back next to me, slowly rubbing circles into my palms and humming quietly.

"You look better now . . . I- That wasn't me, was it?" She paused. "Causing that, I mean."

Lindsey spoke softly, barely a whisper.

I shook my head. "N-no! It just happens sometimes, especially if I drink . . ." I couldn't bring myself to admit she was a tiny part of the cause, just for being too pretty and nice.

It was quite clear she didn't fully believe me from how her lips were pursed, but she didn't push it any further. 

"Alright then. Do you need anything, though? Someone should have some water . . ."

I shook my head again, my smile steadily returning with each passing moment we spent together. "It's alright. Thank you for helping me, it means a lot."

She hummed softly again, gently squeezing my hand as we settled back against the tree. 

We allowed the warm and relaxed mood to take control of us. Only now feeling more intimate and private. The buses were only a little more than twenty minutes away, but it felt like a thousand with Lindsey here.

We could have been there for an eternity or no time at all. Holding hands and watching time pass us by. It was comfortable and I could feel in my gut how I'd miss this once it was over. At some point in our private little shadow of the world Lindsey had started to lean on me more than the tree, not that I opposed it at all. 

We exchanged small talk and little comments as our fingers remained closely entwined. Neither of us wanted this to end, but it wouldn't for a long time. Not until the very smallest cracks of sunlight encroached the night sky, turning it into a deep blue colour, with streaks of orange across the clouds. 

It was going to be a rough day, I could already feel it.