Can't Stop Wanting You. (EDITED)

Chapter 26- I Love You, But...

Lily's POV (20th February)

Things have been strange to say the least. Living with someone is always strange I think, but me and Tom have been having really good days and really bad days.

My brusing has all now finally gone and the hospital are happy with how the bones have healed so that's good. The back brace is finally gone! Whoop whoop!

I'm still having my therapy once a week and it's helped a lot with how I'm feeling and dealing with my emotions. It's also good to talk to an outsider about what's going on with me and Tom. I feel like we try for a week or so to do what we should to help each other and listen and communicate, but then after a week or 2, it's back to fighting again.

Some days it feels like we are fighting too hard to hold on to something that isn't there.

Last night I went and stayed back with Lacey. I just couldn't have the same argument again about Tara's things. He doesn't want to sort through it. He tells me he wants to, but I feel like he just says it to make me happy, not because he wants to actually start our lives together.

He keeps asking me why most of my stuff is still at the flat, but he doesn't seem to understand that I have nowhere to put my things... the wardrobe space is taken up by her clothes, the sides are covered in her make up and also her bills and nail sets and creams etc are all still tucked away in the draws. He wants me to move in, but where is the space for me to do that?

We sat and talked about all the things that he wants to keep in place for the kids so that they feel close to Tara. Now I know, what happens and at what times of the year. But now it's everything else...

Not only that but I also have Leo's court case coming up in 2 weeks time, which is added stress right now. I feel like maybe taking the promotion and running away for a year is sounding like a good idea, because it's good for space away from everything.

I'm laying here in bed thinking about it all and it's making me so stressed to even think about it.

My stomach is rolling thinking about it. Ugh I feel sick... Next thing I know I'm up and running to the toilet. Once I've finished I stand up on shaking legs and brush my teeth.

This isn't a healthy way to be. He won't let go and I won't be pushed aside anymore.

Maybe it's time to say, we tried, and move on. Even thinking it is breaking my heart. A tear falls down my cheek. I've loved this man for so many years now, there's never been another man in my sights, no one who measured up. Now here I am thinking about leaving him, but not only him, his kids as well.

I get dressed and start doing my washing, that I brought with me last night so I had something to focus on for a while today.

I start to sort through it all when one of Tommies t-shirts gets pulled up amongst my stuff. I take it out of the pile and hold it to my face, as I begin to cry.

My whole body wracks in big sobs. Is this really it for us. I've held this man in my heart for so many years and in just a few short months, it's over. Is this really it now?

Next thing I know Lacey comes over and hugs me as she picks me up from the floor, where I seem to have fallen to. "Shhhh, it's okay Lil" she says to me as she hugs me.

"It's so shit Lace, everythings always so shit! Why can't I just have a man that I love? Why can't I have someone who will put me first and call us a team? Why does everyone think I'm bottom run!" I cry into her shoulder. This is always it though isn't it, I'll always be the outsider, never having something that's mine. It'll always be his house, his room, his kids and his family, never our family, never ours.