Dear Evan Hansen/Be More Chill oneshots!

"i don't want him" (kleinsen angst)

summary: jared's made some mistakes when it comes to love. but did he mess this one up to the point of no return?

TW: cursing (idk if cursing really needs to be a TW because it'll be in almost all of these but yeah HAHAHA)

It's the first Saturday night of summer break, and I'm spending it on the couch watching Spongebob by myself. Typical me, of course. That's how I spend most of my free time, especially since my only friend wants nothing to do with me anymore. Well, Evan was technically a family friend, but what difference does it make? He probably hates me either way. Ever since his life kind of completely fell apart because of the emails I wrote between him and a dead kid, he doesn't really talk to me anymore. Which is fine. I guess. I mean, I wouldn't talk to me either.

But anyway, now I'm flying solo and I basically only have myself to keep me company. And don't feel bad for me. I'm used to it. I actually kind of like it. It's completely fine. I don't need friends, they disappoint me. Haha. Right?

Fuck, this is gonna be a long summer break.

Look, it's not like I want, like, hundreds of friends. Just give me half a dozen pals and I'm good. Hell, even just one friend would be fine. Just someone to talk to and hang out with. Someone other than the annoying voice in my head.

I can hear that, you know.

"I know you can, dipshit," I snap. "I was making sure you know how much of a pain in the fucking ass you are."

It's your fault I'm here. You took me.

"Ok, ok. No need to rub it in. I get it."

Taking that SQUIP pill in seventh grade was stupid, I'll admit it. I mean, it's barely done anything for me since then, although maybe that's because I took it for a stupid reason in the first place. But six years of receiving absolute horseshit? Come on. It's got to have done SOMETHING by now. It never even managed to complete its original objective.

That's hardly because of me. You have a tendency to be a bit... brash.

"I did what you told me to and now look where I am. I don't even have a family friend anymore."

That was never the intent. The past year's events were incredibly unpredictable. I did what I had to do to help you survive socially.

"Socially? That's a fucking joke. You're telling me I've sacrificed my only friend for nothing?"

No. You weren't friends. You said so yourself.

I hate to admit it, but it's right.

But Evan was the closest thing I've ever had to a friend, and this is the longest I've gone without him since we first met. Sure, we weren't ever SUPER close, but we shared some good moments together. Like, he came to my bar mitzvah. That was fun, I guess. It was nice to be able to invite a friend, even if it was just a family friend. Oh, and he taught me how to climb trees once, back when we were 12. I still can't do it, by the way. At least, not alone. I would just fall out and embarrass myself, so it's easier to stay on the ground.

Even still, that day was, admittedly, one of the best days of my life. I still remember it perfectly: in the summer, about six years ago. An orchard full of apple trees, going on for miles like a green sea. In the middle of the field: a 40-foot tall oak tree. Evan's favorite tree.

"So, uh, did you know that oak trees can live for over 100 years?" he said, planting his foot firmly into the bark and hoisting himself up to a low-hanging branch.

"There's no way that's true," I had retorted, awkwardly trying to replicate Evan's climbing. "How can they tell how old the tree is? Do you ask it? 'Hey, tree, what's your birthday?'"