Blood Burden

« Chapter Fifteen »

She was pretending everything was okay. 

She didn't know what else to do, what else to feel, so she didn't. She locked her emotions up in a box and she threw the key away. Forbidding herself to care, to hate, to feel, she exhausted herself trying to be someone she was not. That was the worst part about being held to expectations, the Alpha title, she had to become something she wasn't. 

That numb tingling spread through her body until eventually, an ache blossomed from the apex of her heart. It was an ache that went through her body and straight into the depths of her soul. Every breath, she felt the mournful ache, as if her heart was knocking to be let out of its cage. As if her heart had decided her body was too broken to live. That organ felt heavy and lifeless, reluctantly thumping, she often placed her hand over the ache and wondered if it would ever be relieved. 

If she would ever find release. 

She knew what the pack members whispered about her. She knew that their actions of the past were unjust and unfair. She knew that somehow, she would just keep getting hurt because as she looked at their faces, she found it harder to believe they had committed such violence against her. There was still kindness in her heart and it was her greatest weakness and her strongest defense. Like a double-edged sword, it could cut down her enemies with a whisper or it could cut her down with a tear. 

However, despite how they treated her, something in her soul was determined to fight them. She wouldn't let them change her. She wanted to be herself. She didn't want to be horrible like them, she didn't want to become bitter and miserable like them. And people would always have a problem with that because she was different. She didn't blend in with the crowd, she stuck out like a sore thumb. 

But she wasn't obligated to care. They would say what they wanted about her and she couldn't stop them, she could only control her response, which was either water or gasoline on the fire. They may never stop spreading lies about her, they may never say a single truth, but she didn't have to defend herself. She just needed to be true and steady. She needed to persevere and be the most authentic version of herself. 

So, she got to know the children. She began spending time with them at night and she even walked with them during the day. They, of course, were delighted about it. They told many boisterous stories and shared many giggles but she found herself enjoying the time. These children had the most beautiful, innocent, outlook on life. Without even realizing it, they began grounding her. She began to see the world through their innocent eyes and it lightened her soul, just a bit. 

She had been so focused on seeing the world in black and white when there was so much color that was vibrant and beautiful. Begging to be seen, to be admired, but she overlooked it, dwelling in her thoughts. She felt like the children opened her eyes as they pointed out different species of birds, picked up toads, or caught crickets, and they beamed with giant smiles in everything they did. 

She was aware of the confused glances from the other pack members. They couldn't understand why she was being nice and she wouldn't explain herself. She would let them stew in their thoughts, let their souls grow restless and angst. She could see it happening, in the way their faces twisted with numerous expressions. Sorrow, despair, remorse. 

Slowly, she began to realize that she was changing the table. Instead of them provoking her, she was provoking them. They dealt violence and lies, she dealt kindness and truth. They couldn't understand why she didn't retaliate or seek revenge, why she wouldn't play their games, and she was satisfied to never speak a word of it. She didn't have to explain herself to them. 

It was defining her. 

At the beginning of this journey, she told herself she would be better. She wouldn't be like them. She still wasn't one hundred percent sure but she had to start somewhere. Any changes began with the roots of the mind, with the thoughts that flooded her head and the feelings that encased her heart. 

She still faintly felt her emotions. They bubbled and boiled beneath her skin. Searing her soul and pinching her heart. But sometimes she could forget about them for a moment when she played with the children. However, whenever she was within close proximity of a pack member, her chest grew tight. It was as if her body unconsciously recognized the negative energy. She felt the need to get away from the energy, it consumed her mind, and she was already dealing with enough. 

She needed time to process her emotions. She needed time to feel her emotions. She needed time to come to terms with her current situation and she needed to work through it mentally. But right now, she just had to keep pretending. For the sake of everyone else. That was such a cliche. 

Soon, her time would come. 

When something finally pulled the trigger, it would be a rush of water from a broken dam. There would be no going back until every single drop of emotion made a physical appearance. She would flit through them all like a child flipping through television channels. She wouldn't be able to control it anymore and that would be her breaking point. 

There would be destruction, or maybe not. She couldn't tell. All she felt was broken inside while she maintained a porcelain doll appearance. She kept all the pieces hidden from all eyes and she never spoke a word. She wanted someone to understand her but they couldn't. What she was feeling was so complex and impossible to explain, she just couldn't get it out. Even while Fabian tried to provide support and comfort, she felt all alone. 

She was alone in this world. 

And that scared her the most. 

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Oh, the power of writing. 

Do you guys feel her changing? 

I have had an ache in my chest over the past few weeks and I don't know why. It's worse than heartache. And it gets worse around negative energy (especially at work because I know my coworkers are a bunch of snakes now).

Fun fact: I wrote 3/4 of this chapter in the dark at midnight in memo notes on my phone lol