Blood Burden

« Chapter Thirty-Four »

She turned to him, confused, "What?"

"You have a lot of pent up emotion, I can feel it," Cassius said, green eyes glittering, "So go ahead, let it out. Something tells me you've never had the chance."

She was quiet for a moment and then she admitted, "I don't know how to let it out."

"What do you feel?"

His soft question seemed to cause an eruption of memories. What did she feel? Everything. Was there anything she didn't feel? No. She was forced to ride the swells through every single emotion as they tore her apart like a hurricane. She had lost pieces, she felt those empty spaces, and she had lost everything she had ever loved. Flashbacks swarmed her mind, emotions sparked in response, and suddenly the beginning of this journey hit her hard. Those memories, she had avoided for too long. She tried not to feel for too long. 

"I feel like I've lost everything," She began quietly, "I have. And I don't even know who I am anymore." 

When Cassius remained silent, she almost forgot about his presence. She was staring down into the water, watching her reflection. It quivered with the flow of the river. She didn't recognize the girl that stared back at her. All she knew was pain, suffering, agony. Pale skin, dull eyes, and lips that never smiled anymore, she looked like she was dead but she was still alive. 

"I just...I made this agreement," She said, she felt like she needed to say it, "I agreed to lead my pack to a new home because...because I couldn't leave them. I would have killed them, too, if I had," She paused, sucking in a breath, her reflection rippled once more, "But they weren't grateful. They just...they drug their feet and maybe that's why the rogues got us. But they didn't lose anything, I did. It's my own fault, I made a grave mistake and I paid for it. I feel that like a thousand pieces of glass under my skin."  

And just like that, she had flipped the lid of the box and everything came rushing out. Her thoughts, her feelings, her pain. She had started talking and it felt so good. It was like a bittersweet relief, offering to take the weight off her chest but she had to feel the pain anew. With someone to listen at last, even if she couldn't face him, there was no stopping now. 

She continued, gripping the roots of her hair, "They take and they take and they take," She almost gasped for air. Yes, she needed to say it. Scream it, and she did. "They satisfy their own selfish needs and then they cast me aside! I don't feel like a living being, I feel like a disposable object. They take their anger out on me and I just have to accept it! I don't even know how to deal with it, it's just a constant pain that burns in my chest and messes with my head! Do you know how much everything hurts? I try not to feel but that is only temporary, I don't know how to make the pain stop!" 

Her voice cracked with tears, "It hurts so much deeper than the physical abuse they inflict on me. It hurts like a knife wedged in my windpipe! I can't breathe! And I'm just expected to act like everything is okay. I'm supposed to pretend it doesn't damage me, like I'm not broken! And everything keeps piling up, one thing after another. I don't know to deal with it, I'm not that strong." 

She wiped angrily at fallen tears, "I lost my best friend. He's dead because of me." She began sobbing as she admitted that, and her voice slowly rose in octaves, "He was the only one who was really there for me. The only one who cared when my own parents disowned me. And I watched him die. I watched the life leave his eyes. Right in my arms, his blood soaking my hands, and all I could do was cry. Like a worthless idiot. I hate myself! I should have done something, anything, but I didn't!" Her chest was heaving but she kept going.

"And now I feel like I can't stop crying. I cry about everything, I want to cry even when I have no tears! Every memory, every thought, it triggers me. I feel like everything reminds me of him and its so cruel. I can't control it, I can't control my feelings, it's like I'm not even real. I feel like a ghost. I don't deserve this life, I don't deserve you as a mate, I don't deserve anything! I'm just a stupid, broken girl with these marks on my skin and nobody will ever see me any different!"

She couldn't speak anymore, she had screamed those last few words at the top of her lungs and her throat was raw with pain. She resorted to sobbing and she hated that even more. Still, she felt relief. Some form of relief that she had finally admitted it out loud. She hadn't said his name but maybe that wouldn't hurt in time. She just needed time.

Cassius visibly flinched, even though her back was to him, and he slowly moved closer as she sobbed. With cautious steps so he didn't startle her. She was like a bomb waiting to go off and shred everything with shrapnel, and when his hand fell gently on her arm, she erupted. But, it wasn't in destruction. She erupted because she had been holding everything inside for too long and even though she only talked about a small part of her past, it still felt like an accomplishment. It was some form of trying.

When she felt his touch, she didn't even think. She threw herself into his arms. He caught her, holding her tightly as if she would fade away if he wasn't careful enough. He squeezed her as her body was wracked with sobs, shivering and sniffling, and he rested his chin on top of her head. She just needed someone to be there, he knew that, so he didn't speak.  

His own chest fluttered with emotions, his throat tight as he tried to swallow, and his tears streamed down his face to land on top of her head. He could relate to the pain she felt, he had gone through similar feelings when he lost his mother. He just wanted her to understand that. That she wasn't alone, and she was so used to dealing with things by herself that he knew it would take time for her to allow others to help. 

She eventually quieted after what seemed like hours, sniffling every now and again, but they didn't move apart. In that moment, she felt like he could shield her from the world. She felt like she was a little bit stronger while he held her. She was addicted to his smell, his presence, and he was nearly perfect. His green eyes. His understanding. 

She knew there was more she needed to let out but she was exhausted. She buried her face into his chest and she inhaled. It could wait. Today, she had faced a part of her struggle, tomorrow she could worry about the rest. For now, she wanted to enjoy the comfort of her mate.

Because this, it was just the beginning. 

♦        ♦        ♦       ♦        ♦       ♦

Wow. I need to breathe for a moment.  

She finally opened up, if only a little, but she's trying and that's what matters. There's still so much more that needs said. My heart is physically aching right now. I'm proud of my babies but they still have a ways to go and I have so many plans for them. Especially Cassius. *wink wink*