Momma's Little Soldier

Chapter 26

Tuesday:

I didn't think it was possible to finish more than one book in the span of a day, but I did and that's all I can do to keep this feeling at bay. With much investigation, I have come to terms that it is coming from that mystery set of pills I have to take; not only does it make me want to keep moving, but sleeping seems like it's too easy. With the traumatic experience that I had, I should be having nightmares, hell I shouldn't even be sleeping; I should be living in fear that Bryce will come barging through that door and finish what he started. All this energy that I have should be nonexistent and I despise the fact that someone is making me try and force all of this away with a simple pill, I can only assume that was mother's doing; Max would probably want me to ride this out and come out stronger on the other side and that's what I am going to do. After today, I will stop taking those pills and deal with this like a Dauntless would, not an Erudite who takes pills until the pain and fear become nothing. Eric has been gone all day again because of work, but when he comes back, we've actually opened up to each other a bit, hell he is even letting me read my favorite book to him as a way to pass the time, he's helping. I never thought I would see this whole new side to him, but it honestly has me in awe at this whole situation.

Wednesday:

Trying to hide the fact that I didn't take that pill wasn't easy, considering Eric stood in front of me the whole time and watched me take it, he also did the same thing when he forced me to eat something since I hadn't been eating much, guess I just don't have much of an appetite. There wasn't much of a difference between taking and not taking the pill, but I guess I'm just going to have to wait and see. Eric came back early today, he noticed that some blood was coming through my gauze, "You haven't been cleaning it, have you?" He asked. "Eric, I haven't even seen what the damage is underneath this gauze," I explained. When the sigh escaped from his mouth, I knew I would have to face the music eventually, I knew I would have to finally face what happened, "Will you help me?" Were the only words I could mutter and he didn't hesitate for a second to lead me to his bathroom. For the past couple of days, I had been wearing different sweaters or shirts that belonged to Eric and today was no different, letting the left side of the shirt fall off my shoulder, I faced him so he could remove the bandages and gauze. "The antibiotics are helping, it looks like it's scabbing over a bit, are you sure you want to see it?" He explained after removing everything, the concern took over his voice and it also was prominent in his grey eyes, his features were soft for once. Slowly nodding my head, I turned around to face the mirror and my heart stopped, my eyes focused on the two slightly bloody gashes on my chest; starting from under my collarbone, across my chest, and stopping just right in the dip of my sports bra. My eyes flooded with tears as I turned to face Eric again, his face now clouded with sadness and that's when everything hit me all at once. The pain, the anger, the guilt, the fear, all the bad I hadn't been able to feel was now all surfacing and I couldn't do a damn thing to stop it, "How can someone do something this cruel to a person? Why would a person try to kill another just to make it to the top? I don't understand." All the tears that I have been holding back, came pouring out as I stood there. For once in my life, I am now completely vulnerable and it's in front of someone I never wanted to see me like this, this man is supposed to see me as someone who is brave and now here I am crying as if my life depends on it. I instantly wrapped my arms around Eric as he pulled me into his arms; with all the bad emotions I am feeling, I could also feel that safe and warm touch he has. I knew there was a soft side to this man and I am grateful that I have him with me to help me... To save me...

Wednesday night:

It all came back in flashes, one second I'm looking down the hallway like nothing happened, the next second I can see my bloody handprint smeared across the wall. The hallway kept spinning, everything kept flashing in front of me until I was reliving the entire night, but instead, I was watching it all go down instead of being in it. I kept trying to tell myself to turn around, but there was no noise that came out of my mouth, I couldn't stop it. Trying to reach out and grab me didn't work either, all my hand did was go through my body, and I silently screamed when I saw Bryce run up behind me. I woke up screaming the words "Stop it!" and trying to catch my breath, Eric came storming into the room and sat down on the bed so he and I could be at eye level, "Hey Ash, slow down your breathing. Everything is going to be okay, I won't let anything bad happen to you." I don't remember much after that, all I remember is that Eric promised he wouldn't leave until I fell back asleep.

Thursday:

The trial is taking place in two days and I don't know if I have the strength in me to face Bryce, I don't have the strength to do anything, I knew those pills were the reason for it, but I am not going to force myself to not feel this pain. I fell back asleep, but the nightmare just repeated all over again, only this time I couldn't get myself to wake up so I just had to live in my personal hell until my body was ready to wake up. Eric decided to stay here for the day, after last night he didn't feel comfortable leaving me alone; although even with him being here I feel like I am alone, in my thoughts. I sat on a chair, looking out the big window Eric had in his living room, my face showing no signs of emotion. I had never felt this physically and emotionally drained in a long time and just a few weeks ago I lost a fight due to physical exhaustion, but this was completely different. All-day Eric tried to get me to do something, anything, but everything he tried to do wasn't working so he eventually just started reading out loud, probably hoping I would take interest in a book I've read more times than I can count. "When can I go see my friends?" Since my voice wasn't used to not talking, the words came out a bit gravely. My eyes never leaving the window as I heard him speak up, "When all of this is over." I couldn't take it, I can't keep looking at the same walls twenty-four-seven, this is becoming too much. "Well, then this week needs to hurry up because I can't stand being cooped up in here every single day." I snapped at him. I know that I didn't mean to sound like that and I have been trying to find a way to thank Eric for everything that he has done, but something in me was just tired and done with all of this. I wasn't only thinking about what happened with Bryce, but I was also thinking about every little thing before; before Dauntless, before I verbally signed my life away for a plan I no longer want to be apart of. This all wouldn't have happened if I had just done what I wanted to do and not listen to my mother, I almost died because I am so desperate for her approval and her praise, who wants to live a life constantly seeking one person's approval? I knew Eric was about to say something, but I didn't give him the chance because I got up from my seat and stormed into his room, closing the door behind me, not planning on leaving it any time soon.

Friday Morning:

The same thing happened again last night, I was stuck inside my nightmare until my body was ready to wake up, and when I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror; my body looked like it was drained of life. My cheekbones were a bit more prominent since my face had sunken in a bit, my dark circles were awful, and I could tell I was losing my muscle, but as I looked at myself for one more moment, I realized I didn't have the energy to care. Eric was a different story, someone who didn't have a physical flaw to his face, was starting to show signs of exhaustion. He looked tired and he was starting to get dark circles, when I walked up to him my face twisted in confusion, "Have you been getting any sleep?" I asked, bringing my hand up to gently grab his face, but his hand grabbed my wrist to stop me. "Why does it matter to you?" He snapped and I was definitely not expecting that. "Because Eric, you look like you haven't slept in days and I don't think going to work is going to help. You need to rest." It was amazing that I cared more about him getting rest than I did asking for someone to help me with what I was going through. "Well after tomorrow you won't have to care about what I do and don't do since you want out of here so badly." He didn't give me the chance to speak before he just stormed out, slamming the door behind him. I knew it, I knew he couldn't be so nice without flipping back to the asshole that he really is and if that's how he wants to act then fine, I'm done with this, enough is enough. Quickly I threw on my leggings and the first shirt I could find and stormed out of the apartment, not even caring about closing the door behind me. I don't want to deal with this anymore...