Momma's Little Soldier

Chapter 27

I adjusted my sitting position in the open doorframe of the train as I watched the city go by, when I got here it was the afternoon, but now the moon was shining right above me and the stars dimly lit the sky. Sitting here made me realize that the only person I can blame is myself, I blame myself for agreeing to obey my mother's decisions at an early age, I blame myself for not fighting to live my own life, I blame myself for not jumping at my first and last opportunity to leave this whole plan behind, but most of all I blame myself for being the one thing people hate the most; I blame myself for being Divergent. Physically speaking, that is nowhere near my fault, but if and when everyone finds out, they will have a death sentence on me and they will make sure I am first on their kill list. This would've all been easier if no one decided to bring me in after my birth mother abandoned me, hell it would've been easier if she didn't have me in the first place, I wouldn't have to live in constant fear and maybe everyone's lives would be better.

Has it really come to that? Was all I thought of as I slowly stood up, holding the frame to keep me still. Everything will be better this way, the harsh wind whipped my hair all over the place as the train moved, looking down below me, the train was now up enough for me to look down. It wasn't too high up, but with how fast this train is going, it could do some damage and it will. Taking in a deep breath, I closed my eyes, ready for whatever was about to happen, "What are you doing?" My grip on the door frame tightened as I heard his voice. How did he get here? How did he find me? I turned my head to look at him, my honey brown eyes locking with his grey ones, "I told you, I needed to get out of that apartment. Staring at the same walls for one more day was about to drive me insane." I explained, stepping deeper into the train car. My body turned to face him and it looks like he had seen a ghost from how pale his face was, "Why didn't you talk to me, Ash?"

"How did you find me, Eric?" My question was used to change the subject. "Well when I came back, I noticed that my front door was wide opened. I stupidly went inside to check my place to see if you were there when I happened to come across the bag of pills you were hiding, I ran to Max and told him what happened and of course, the overprotective man he is towards you, we searched the entire compound. Four told us he saw you on the security cams getting on the train, so I took off into the city to find you, I saw this train, climbed up a bridge to jump on this thing all so I could make sure you didn't end up doing something stupid. Now answer my question Ash, why did you stop taking your pills?" He sounded furious, but the look on his face seems relieved that he found me when he did, although how did I not hear him jump on the train? Now this behavior reminds me of how much whiplash this guy's emotions give me, one second it's pure anger, and then next it's kind and gentle, it doesn't make any fucking sense to me. "Oh my god, how is it that you can go from one emotion to the next without batting a fucking eyelash and not taking into consideration that the people around you are getting whiplash," I massaged my temples for a moment to stop myself from screaming at him, "I hated the way they made me feel, alright? I hated the fact that they made me feel okay when I know I shouldn't have been. Eric when you go through something like that, you can't just take a pill to make it all go away! That's not how it works." I ranted to him.

"You don't think I don't know that? Believe me, what you are going through would be easier if they would've not given you those pills, I told them to let you handle this the way you wanted to." His behavior towards me and his tone was just throwing me off, he told them that? I folded my arms over my chest as I drew my brows together, "Why do you care so much, Eric? A couple of weeks ago you would've been more than okay with me gone, so why the sudden change?" I sensed that what I said pissed him off. He let out a breath and ran his fingers through his hair, probably to stop himself from screaming at me, "Do you not get it, Ash? I can't just sit by and do nothing when you're suffering so much, I'm trying to be here for you and help you because you don't want to help yourself. I care because you mean something to me and I didn't realize it until I saw you unconscious on the ground and the only thing I could do was to make sure you stayed alive." Did I hear him correctly? I mean something to Eric? Eric Coulter actually has a soft spot for me and I am stupid enough to say he would've rather have me gone, god I'm an idiot. All I could do was stare at him because I didn't know what to say, but I did know this, I care a lot about him more than I want to admit; after everything he did for me this week, of course, I feel something towards him. It wasn't a feeling that makes me weak in the knees anymore, it was a feeling of comfort and safety, being anywhere in his presence makes me feel at peace and it lets me know I will be okay. He has seen me at my most vulnerable and most people would look at me like I'm a broken china doll, but not him; he looks at me with such passion and drive that deep down it makes me want to keep fighting.

Hell, he told a medical professional that I should handle my pain the way I want to handle it and if he didn't care, he wouldn't have run into the city just to find this train. He took a step forward, closing the distance between us and I felt my breath hitch, "You can say whatever you want and think whatever you want, but I'm not going to leave you. I'm not going anywhere." I watched as his stare went from my eyes to my lips and I could feel my heartbeat pick up. He slowly started to lean in and I couldn't help myself from doing the same, but he stopped for a moment as if he was trying to convince himself that we shouldn't do this, "Fuck it." His left hand cupped my face while the right hand was placed on my hip as he brought his lips down to mine and kissed me. My eyes closed as I kissed him back, wrapping my arms around his neck and bringing us as close as we possibly could, the kiss was soft and passionate. The only thing I could hear was the sound of my heart pounding in my ears, with how close we are I wouldn't be surprised if he could feel it racing. When he pulled away, I kept my eyes closed for a few more seconds, wanting to stay in this feeling of bliss for a little while longer; I leaned my head against his chest while he rested his chin on my head. It felt like both of us didn't want this to end, "Guess I'm breaking rules for you." His comment made me laugh for a moment before I looked up at him. I was going to say something, but the movement of the train coming to a halt stopped me from speaking, "We should go, Max has been worrying about you all day." Taking a step away from me, he grabbed my hand and lead me off the train and back into Dauntless.

When we walked through the halls, Eric still held my hand, almost like he was afraid that if he were to let go I would disappear. I never realized how rough his hands were, also his hands were a bit bigger than mine. When we got to Max's office door, Eric let go of my hand to open the door and let me go in first; Max turned around and a look of relief washed over him as he saw me, "Hey Grizzly." Max made his way from behind his desk and brought me into a hug. "Don't you dare do anything like that again Ash, am I clear? God, you had me worried sick." I let out a breathy chuckle as I stayed in the hug for a moment longer then pulled away. "I'm sorry, it won't happen again. I just needed to get out and clear my head."

"Well you're here and you're safe, that's all that matters to me. Wow, Eric, this is the second time this week you have saved this girl." Max chuckled and I looked at Eric. His eyes darted away from mine and he started scratching the back of his head, I turned my attention back to Max, "What do you mean?"

"Did he not tell you? He was the one that carried you from Dauntless to Erudite when we found you, hell he wouldn't let anyone else touch you until you got into the right hands." I snapped my head to Eric and it all hit me, my heart swelled with happiness and the butterflies came back, what is this man doing to me? Before I could say anything, Eric excused himself from the room telling us that he would be back, leaving me with Max, "Max, can I ask you something?" He nodded his head. "What made Eric the way he is? You know the tough, menacing side of him." Is this a question I should be asking Eric, absolutely, but I figured Max would tell me something instead of beat around the bush. Max pulled out a chair and told me to sit down, doing as I was told, I watched as Max just leaned against his desk, "Anything having to do with Eric is something you have to ask him, not me, it's not my place to tell you. I'm surprised you aren't asking about his current behavior," I furrowed my brows together, "Ash, do you not see that this man is crazy about you? He would do anything for you, hell when he carried you the man wouldn't let go until he trusted the person enough to let go of you. I had never seen him this upset and protective over anyone before, you better not turn him to a softie because I need my right-hand man."

I scoffed for a moment, I thought I was his right hand... Rude individual... In all seriousness though, all of this has opened my eyes completely and it kind of terrifies me. I've never been able to have feelings for a guy like this before and for that guy to be Eric of all people is a little intimidating; the age thing doesn't throw me off and I know for a fact it's not because he looks like he could kill someone just by staring at them (but we all already know who can kick his ass in a fight), it's the fact that I don't really know what goes on inside his head... He doesn't talk about it. Over this past week, I've gotten to know the basics, his favorite book, favorite color, how he likes his coffee, what he does when he isn't working, but that's about it. I want to know what keeps him up at night, what does he do when he's scared, what happens when he feels like nothing in this city... I need to know the man I have been opening up to, I want to know what man is looking at me when I'm weak and vulnerable; the sweet caring guy or the man the makes himself up to be...

"We should get going, you've got a long day tomorrow." I nodded my head before I stood up from my seat. "See you tomorrow Grizzly." and with that, Eric and I left, making our way towards his place.