DAMAGED // spencer reid

25

first of all, why are my gifs just turning into images?!? if anyone knows how to fix this, pls hmu!!
also this is gonna be a short chapter (prepare your tissues), but the next one will definitely be longer :)
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Spencer's POV:

Addie refused to see anyone except for me and Willow during her time in the hospital. The team wanted to make sure she was okay, but I don't think Addie could bring herself to face them. I brought her home yesterday after she had fully recovered from her surgery, although I think her mental scars outweigh her physical ones. She's always been tough, which is why she pretends like everything is fine when Willow is around. But I know she's not, how could she be? It's clear that she blames herself for what happened, no matter how much I try to convince her it's not true. Although she tries to avoid my company, speaking only a few words to me per day which makes it hard to talk about what happened. I don't understand why, all I want to do is be there for her. We both lost a child, our baby, but Addie was the one who had to endure the real trauma of it. That's why I'm trying to give her time to heal, which included telling people about our miscarriage. I stopped by the BAU one evening while Addie was still in the hospital, bursting into tears as I broke the news to the team. Saying the words out loud for the first time was absolutely heart wrenching because it made the whole thing real. Admitting out loud the fact that I wasn't going to be a dad was like facing a reality that I had tried so hard to ignore. The team was heartbroken, of course, and Hotch gave Addie and I as much time off as we needed. But time never really heals wounds like this, it only dulls the inevitable pain.

"Hey Wills, why don't you go get comfy in bed and pick out a picture book to read. Addie and I will be in to say goodnight in a little bit, okay?" I tell the girl, who nods sleepily and gets up from her position on the couch in between Addie and I. Once Willow is in her room, I turn to face Addie, who's sporting dark circles under both eyes and a vacant stare as she wraps herself tightly in a blanket.

"Please, Addie, just talk to me," I plead softly, taking one of her limp hands in mine. She shakes her head, diverting her gaze down to her lap. "You can't keep pretending like nothing happened."

"Pretending makes it hurt less," she whispers.

"I know, Ads, I know. But you need to talk to me, it's the only way things will get better."

"Don't you understand? Things can't get better, not for me. Not until I'm able to close my eyes without seeing... him."

"I won't act like I know what you're going through, because I don't, but I promise it will get better. I'll try my best to make sure of it," I offer a small smile, but it only makes her eyes brim with tears.

"It wasn't just me who lost a baby, Spencer," she replies, her voice strained.

"I know that... of course I know that. But I just need to make sure that you—"

"You think I don't hear you crying at night when you think I'm asleep?" Addie interrupts, turning to face me with tears spilling down her cheeks. "I didn't even tell you I was pregnant. And as soon as you found out, I took it away from you. I could've saved the baby if I had been stronger, but I wasn't. You say you don't blame me for what happened, but how could you not? If I were you, I'd hate me too."

"Woah woah, slow down! I could never hate you, Addie, and I certainly don't blame you for what happened," I frown, confused as to how she could ever think this. "None of this was your fault and I'll never stop loving you. Ever."

"Maybe you love me now, but what about in two years? Five years? What if you resent me for taking away your chance to be a dad?" She questions, pained.

"I won't, I promise. And we can always try again, down the line, when you're ready."

"What if I'm never ready? What if I don't want to take a chance of miscarrying again?"

"Well... then that's your decision and I'll stand by you no matter what. We don't need kids of our own to be happy," I reason with her, feeling a sense of dread in my stomach when I see her expression.

"Maybe I don't, but you do. I know you've always wanted to be a dad, Spence, to have a big family. I'm not going to be the one to take that away from you."

"Why are you even saying this? Who knows how we'll feel about this two years from now?"

"I'm saying this because I don't want you to be disappointed if I feel a certain way in the future. I don't want you to feel like you wasted time in a relationship that doesn't end the way you wanted it to."

"Addie... don't," I whisper, tears springing in my own eyes.

"I love you, Spencer, more than anything. You've always been there for me, loving me even when I didn't deserve it. But I think we both need some space to gain perspective about our future. Maybe you'll be able to focus on your own healing without having to worry about mine," she chokes out.

"I won't leave you. I won't lose you, too."

"If keeping me means losing yourself and what you want in the future, it isn't right. I can't promise you the things you want, Spencer. I'll always love and support you, but right now I think you should leave." I stare at her for a few seconds before her tear-stained face and broken expression forces me to look away. I just nod, getting up and grabbing my things as she stays planted on the couch. I open the door of her apartment and step out into the hallway without looking back, wishing I had enough strength to stay.

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sorry that was really depressing y'all 😓
thank you guys so much for reading and voting, I really appreciate it 💜
I PROMISE I will write a long chapter next!