A Love So Deep It Broke

She stood with her arms crossed, sleeves bundled within her clenched fist, wondering what he must be doing. Was he as lonely as she was, or was he disciplined enough to make do with so little entertainment. Perhaps he was going stir crazy just as she was. If only she had the courage to ask. Each patter of the rain hitting the metal drain rung louder than the collective pitter of the rain on the grassy patch outside her door. Despite the cool air, her back door remained open to the chill of a rainy evening. She would like nothing more than to wallow in its dampness and be overwhelmed by its chill and freshness. She could use a wake up call after being lodged within a room of blank walls and dastardly looking popcorn ceiling. She pictured him with his reading glasses on, intently focused on his computer or elbow deep in some science he needed to memorize for his next test. While there was not much to do, her mind refused to focus on anything but the thought of him.

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Earlier she had walked outside, further into the yard so as to just stand where the rooftop covered her but her hands could reach out and feel the water droplets land gently in her hand. The wind blew several bigger drops from the low hanging leaves and carried them over and under the covering and onto her sweatshirt. She could stand there for hours if she willed it. Arms resting at her side and her chin facing the sky, she could rest in the gentle chaos of the rain storm that fell before her. Instead, she looked left. Down and past every patio and sliding door to the one she knew he was in. Why did he never come outside? Or perhaps he did, just at a different time. Perhaps if she stood there long enough, he too would come out to see the rain and they would be able to see each other. Wishful thinking at best. For all the hours in a day, the chances of both of them standing outside far enough past the pultruding corners to look over and see each other was slim. Despite the odds, she turned her head in a solemn way, subtlety dramatic in a far off passionate way, hoping that maybe this was that time where chance did her a favor. It did not, and she returned to staring at the trees bouncing with the impact of rain drops hitting each leaf over and over again. Somewhere in the brush ahead, a squirrel rustled some leaves, probably searching for food, but she did not break her stare at the falling rain. She was neither cold nor bored of her peaceful endeavor, but nevertheless, she eventually stole one last glance down to his back door before turning on one heel to head back inside. Kicking off her shoes, she gently closed the screen door, leaving the rain and the hope of seeing him behind. The glass door remained open. For even though she used her outside ventures as a means of seeing if he too was out, her sole purpose for going out in the first place was indeed to be with the rain. Seeing him would just be an added bonus.

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Even as she sat on her bed, contemplating whether or not to read or watch another movie, she wondered again what he must be doing. She often thought of him. Try as she might to get him out, he always found his way back into her brain to remind her of the one person she could not have.

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It had only been three day since the door shut behind her and she had flung a cobweb off of her left arm as she ventured down the empty hallway for who knows how long. The room never got warmer, even though she spent every moment cooped up in its sterile hug. Even her white comforter didn't feel so comforting anymore as it fought with the walls for dominance of milky white gloom. Even her voice echoed around the room. The few possessions she brought with her were still not enough to convince the room to act more homely. Instead, any loud sound rang around the lifeless room. Only shadows of herself painted the gloomy walls, shifting at the slightest movement. As she moved from her bed to her desk then back again, forever to repeat until the day she died, each shadow came and went with the switching off of lights and the changing of the day.