YOURS TRULY, theodore nott (on hold)

v.

muffins;

I wanted to sleep in. I would have if Hannah hadn't begged me to get up. It was Saturday, which meant no classes. For breakfast, we didn't go to the Great Hall, we went to the kitchens.

The kitchens were one of the only places in the castle that was genuinely peaceful. It was quiet and you could get your favorite food whenever you wanted. It was hard not to be happy there.

Hannah came with me. We only started getting close last year (as we were both worried sick about Justin). We never argued, and we both pretty much agreed with everything the other person did. I loved talking to her. Mostly it was because she almost always rambled when you got her talking about something, and it never got annoying because she knew when to stop. Everyone teased her about it though. I never understood why. She had a soothing voice and could lull you asleep if it was her intention.

She handed me a blueberry muffin. I laughed. 

The first time we ever bonded was because of our love of food. Everybody though we were crazy but eventually came around when we brought up the argument of muffins. Since then it had been a thing we did whenever one of us wasn't feeling great; giving them a muffin.

I took the muffin from her, but ate it slowly.

"Do you, uhm, want to talk about, you know, what happened..?" She started slowly.

That was where I started ranting. I told her everything. I started with my thoughts as to what Justin was doing staring at me on the train. I told her about my feelings for Theodore Nott and how I didn't want them to be there, but they still were. Then retold her what had happened in Divination the day before. And continued to the argument with Susan. 

Susan and I became friends on day one. We started talking and that was that. Everything I did, everything I was planning to do, was approved through her. I always took her opinion into account. The only subject we never touched on was boys. It was very touchy for the both of us and neither of us wanted to be embarrassed by their taste in guys. Neither of us would've judged, but still, we didn't talk about it. 

Out of the two of us, I was the less rational one. She always thought things through, while I tended to do what I thought best. We've argued plenty of times but nothing major.

This argument didn't feel different.

And that was the problem, we never yelled at each other, we just talked it out the next morning.

We still haven't talked about it.

I knew we would get over it eventually, I just wanted to speed up the process.

I started crying. I almost never cry. But as much as I hate to say it, its the truth.

Crying is for the weak.

It's just how I was raised. You don't show emotion. You say it. You don't crack. Because if you crack you show vulnerability. You can't be vulnerable.

In the high status pureblood society, vulnerability is not an option. Crying is not an option. Letting people see the real you, is not an option.

It sucks.

Hannah hugged me, and I felt vulnerable. I didn't care. It felt good to sad. It sounds crazy. But I've never cried to anyone but my own brother. Don't get me wrong, I love Ernie, but it's not the same.

I cried for awhile, she started telling me reassuring nothings, but they helped.

I stopped, and her silently walked me back to our dorm, glaring at anyone who bothered to show any look of curiosity.

She sat me on my bed and handed me my clothes to get dressed. I didn't know why I was getting dressed, but I did it anyways.

We walked in silence to the Black Lake and talked for hours, about anything that crossed our minds besides the problems I was currently having. It was nice, being able to freely talk. It was like taking to yourself, but someone actually answering. Hannah may not be my best friend, but she was definitely an interesting person to talk to. 

We only left when we started to see the sun set. Hogwarts was the definition of beauty. People underestimate it. The way the sunset bounces off the water and on to the castle, or seeing the windows flicker with candle light, it was truly stunning.

We got back to the common room and we stopped in our tracks. The only people who were there was Susan and Justin, sitting on my favorite couch, talking. I hated that I felt jealous because I didn't know what I was jealous of; the fact that my best friend was already hanging out with someone else, or that Justin was talking to Susan instead of me.

What?

No.

To be fair, I was already hanging out with someone else as well. But still, she started the argument, not me. 

I also couldn't be jealous of my own best friend.

It didn't make sense to me.

They stopped talking and looked up at us. They stood up, and Susan looked at me with a look of pity. I scoffed and walked back to my dorm.

It wasn't fair to her, but I was mad. I didn't want to be pitied.

I laid down again on my yellow fourposter bed, and just thought about how seeing one thing can ruin your whole day. Susan came in later, and I turned to face away from her. She sighed, got in her pajamas, and crawled into bed. Soft snore emitted from her while my thoughts took over.

I miss her.