I'm nobody's b!tch

Part 17: I can't do it

Somehow, i made it all the way to the top of the wall surrounding the school without stumbling. It felt like i was going to collapse the entire way, i'm feeling light headed... I heave, trying to get air into my lungs, but it seems impossible. Kind of like when you stick your head too far into your pillow and choke. I can hear a sob, and with a start i realize that i'm the one sobbing.

I try to wipe at my neverending tears, but it doesn't go as planned. I want to scream... But the only sounds i can manage are my sobs, sniffling and hiccuping accompanied by small pathetic mewls. This really is the epithomy of pathetic... But i can't get over the fact that i've caused Tessa- and even Silas so much pain... All because i was careless in the infirmary... Not that i could have pushed her away if she forced herself on me, but i could have done, or tried to do something...

I lower my head, my eyes clenched shut. Just what am i here for? I'm not really good for anything... I can't cook, i can't clean, i suck at woodchopping or even carrying wood... I'm not some achademic genious or anything, and anything on the physical side is pointless for me to even try... But... There is that one thing... The thought makes me want to laugh hysterically... I see... So the one thing i hate more than even vampires, and what mom saved me from is the one thing i'm good at...

I manage a chuckle. I doubt i could to it here though... Not when everyone knows that i'm dying... They're probably worried wether it's contagious or not. Then that's useless too... That means i'm not meant to do anything... Maybe i should just... Go with the flow of things? Or maybe... Maybe i can just disappear? Leave a note and... Just leave?

I- i could call for Marie... Ask her to quicken the process... So many opportunities... My sobs turn into small hiccups, and before i can even register it, the despair has coiled around my mind, and any concious decision i might have had- like a snake ready to strike. All coherent thinking just... Disappeared. Poof, gone, bye bye... And i find myself laughing, laughing like a madman. It was all so simple, really... I could even jump down from this wall and hope that i break my neck...

Then again, i might survive that, and that wouldn't be very pleasant now would it? But at the moment, i really couldn't care less... I stand up on the sturdy rocks that the walls are made of, and i peek through the iron bars that keep anybody from getting in or out... I could slip through it, probably... So that's exactly what i do, and by some miracle i actually manage to get through. I let my eyes travel downwards, it really is a long way down... There are a number of really sharp rocks sticking out of the wall too... Probably to keep wild animals away. It would be so easy to just... Jump... A part of me even wants to do so... But, somehow, i find myself on the other side of the fence again, my back pressed against the iron bars.

I can't do it... I just can't... All because i'm so afraid to die... I chuckle, some luck i have... But i know, that jumping wouldn't have solved my problem in the first place... If i had died, Tessa would be hurt... That's what she said right? That knowing it hurts her so bad... I lower my head in shame, attempting to breath evenly. I can't even do this right can i? I climb down from the fence, trying to keep a straight face as i make my way back to my room.

And with my shitty luck acting up again, i know i won't get there before something else happens... And something else happens indeed. Maybe it's destiny thinking this is fucking hilarious, or maybe karma... But i pass by Silas in the hallway, and the moment he sees me, his eyes widen and his mouth opens to say something, but i don't let him. With a sudden burst of energy, i sprint the rest of the way to my room, yet i can hear him faintly calling out to me, but i ignore it, even try to forget it as i lock my door. I hear footsteps stop outside of my door, a few knocks then a thump. He's leaning against the door, probably.

I slide down to the floor, lowering my head. And yet again i find myself wondering: why the hell does this shit always happen to me? A gentle sigh can be heard from the other side of the door "Why were you crying?" The question is simple really, and so is the answer, but when you neither feel like answering, nor is able to, the only thing Silas will recieve from me is silence. I sniffle, i might want to move away from the door, Silas is very much able to break the thing down of he wants to... Yet he doesn't... The fact that he's even standing outside is probably because he felt like he had to...

Which is why i find myself weakly telling him to fuck off. I can hear a sharp inntake of breath on the other side, then a sigh and footsteps moving away. I was right... And i think this hurts more than anything... I ruffle my hair in frustration "aaah fuuck!" I cry out, when did i turn into such a fucking pussy!? It's not like me at all, to just sit around and cry! Yet i can't seem to help it. The tears just... Won't stop...

A/N: sooo, this one is really fucking short i know, but i wrote this on my ipad and that ruined my back XC Besides, i'm going to An-chan's house(The one i share this account with) this weekend, and she lives like four hours away *sigh* So i thought i would give you at least something before i leave haha~~ The next chapter is in the making, but i'm just not happy with it! I've rewritten it at least three times! Bear with me~~

Stay classy guys!