Guess who's back, prats? (Me, Barry)

The image that ruined a friendship (maybe even 2)

Storytime, I guess.  Here we go.

This all takes place back in May of this year.  The people involved are me, and two friends.  We'll call them Sickle and Hammer.

I've known both of them for a little over a year, and we used to sit together at school with some other friends of our group, and we referred to ourselves as the "Cringe Cult." 

Later in the year, around March to April, everything went to shit, but we were still able to keep in contact via Google Meets.  Then the shitass administration decided to straight up block Google Meets arranged by students, so we lost that method of connection with each other.  Around that time, I joined Discord, and the three of us talked with to each other that way.  All was good again.

Then one day around the start of May, Sickle asks me to help them with a project.  It was for writing, a subject of which I enjoy, so I was more than happy to help.  All is fine up to this point.

About a week later, I ask Sickle for a PhotoShop request.  (The actual content of the request isn't relevant, but for those who are curious, the request was basically to photoshop the U.S.S.R flag onto the hair of Silver from the Pokespe manga).  I thought of it as a return favour; though they never said it.

Rat Man was an inside joke in our group.  We'd edit his face onto shit, randomly insert him into conversations, etc. This will be important soon.

Sickle told me that it would be about 20 minutes.  I said that was fine, since Sickle was under no obligation to do this and they were doing something nice for me.  Halfway through, they mentioned something cryptic about adding Rat Man, and I just jokingly waved it off, thinking they weren't serious.  They made another cryptic comment about Rat Man, and I was a bit more upfront this time, asking them not to do what I was thinking

A few minutes later, they presented this:

My actions afterwards still confuse me to this day. I don't if it was because it was late, or I just felt like throwing a bitch fit for no reason, but something just pissed me off.  I blocked them, not wanting to blow up and say something awful (of which I am very capable of), and I stopped responding. 

This is where Hammer comes in.  I didn't really have anyone else to vent to, so Hammer would become my unfortunate victim. 

I can't possibly begin to explain what was going through my head, but for some ungodly reason, I thought others should have to feel shame for my shortcomings.  I was, for lack of a better word, a generally toxic person. 

After blocking Sickle, and feeling even more pisses when they didn't try to chase after me, I went to bother Hammer.  They didn't immediately respond, so my ungrateful, cowardly ass took this as an invitation to be the passive aggressive twat I was back then.

I later made an extremely passive-aggressive post on Wattpad, and since Hammer was still an active Wattpad user back then, I knew they would see it.  And they did.  They responded (this was completely public, might I add), and sincerely apologized just to make my hateful ass happy. 

And you know what I did?  I ignored them.  I could've possibly let the whole thing go, and beg for forgiveness, but I saw this as a matter of... I dunno, dignity?  I can't fucking understand today why I did what I did.

I didn't stop here, either.  Even into July, I was bitching about it to my other Discord friends.  Unlike me, none of them knew Sickle and Hammer IRL, so I could hold that over their heads, in case they even dared to disagree with me.  I cannot express how much I wanna go back and subject my past self to all the headache I put everyone else through.  I would've deserved it for being a self-righteous prick.

Self-deprecation aside now, I continued like this for a frighteningly long time.  I stopped talking about the incident to others, but I still felt more or less the same: like I was the one who was wronged. 

Sometime in September, I received a text from a group chat in the middle of a class.  I didn't have Sickle's phone number, but I did have Hammer's, so I could inference as to who had texted me. 

By this time, I had really began to doubt myself, making a complete 180°.  I then apologized to Sickle as best I could, but I still didn't feel like it could make up for my actions.  Sickle accepted, saying that they weren't mad to begin with, and barely even remembered the incident.  I've yet to make a sincere apology to Hammer, since I arguably treated them even worse than Sickle.

It's been six months since the incident, and even longer than that since I've had a real conversation with any of them.  Honestly, I don't deserve them.  Neither of them ever made me jump through hoops for their own satisfaction.

I'm thinking of cutting them off, so they won't ever have to deal with my B.S ever again.  I haven't seen any of them since March, and maybe it's for the better.  I won't be seeing them again anytime soon, thanks to our shit superintendent quitting and leaving my school in complete jeopardy.  School was the only place I ever saw them.

None of this needed to happen.  None of it.  I didn't need to lose my mind over a dumb joke.  Sickle and Hammer didn't need to apologize to me.  I didn't need to further shit-talk them without their knowing.  This all could've been avoided, had I been a decent fucking friend and admitted my own mistakes.

In all honesty, the image was the one that ruined my friendships, I was the one who did. 

I doubt Sickle is reading this, since they don't use Wattpad anymore, but there's a possibility Hammer is.  If by some miracle, either of you see this, I'm sorry.  I really fucking am.  Neither of you deserved it.  Sickle didn't deserve to be blocked over a dumb joke, and Hammer didn't deserve to be mistreated over just trying to be unbiased.

I should look at the image and feel happy, I should be reminded of the times the Cringe Cult used to do dumb shit together, all of the stupid inside jokes we had, but I'm not.  I just feel sad and unworthy of everything I had.