No Promises

chapter nineteen

THE LONGER I stare at the ceiling, the further out of reach I feel. I want my brain to shut off and for sleep to overtake my wandering thoughts. It would make all of this easier if I could just wake up the tomorrow morning, hopefully allowing the lingering ache in my chest to disappear.

Everything would be so different if the paperwork for my dorm room hadn't gotten mixed up. I never would have moved in with Greyson, and the rest of this wouldn't have happened. I wouldn't have met Jonas. I wouldn't have let my feelings for Greyson get so tangled. And I would just be living my life without a care in the world.

Nothing else would have mattered.

It just would have been me, and that's it. I wouldn't have had to worry about anything other than my future, and even if that would have been easier, I don't know if it's what I would want anymore. Maybe everything in my life is confusing and complicated right now, and maybe I should have put all my hope's on Jonas in keeping my feelings platonic. The problem is, my feelings for Greyson have never been platonic. Not once. They weren't going to simply go away because I was seeing someone else. I'm too deep in to just get over them, and I should have known that.

I did know that.

And suddenly the ache is temporarily replaced with the guilt of seeing Jonas when I knew it was going nowhere. I was using him, even if I told myself I wasn't, I was and he deserved better than that. He's a good guy, and he's been more than sweet to me. He deserves better than someone who's heart was never in the right place to begin with. Mine's been illegally living somewhere it was never welcomed.

A restless groan falls from my lips as I bury my face in my pillow, unable to find the sleep as the weight of my guilt hangs over me. Turning onto my side, I feel around the nightstand for my phone and sigh at the time on my phone. It's nearly 2:30am and I haven't slept a wink. I keep overplaying everything, hoping that somehow, it'll get better.

I don't know what I wanted Greyson to say.

When he said he had a problem with it, it filled me with hope of why, and then he changed his mind—again. He's sending mixed signals, and I don't know what to do with them. If I had confidence when it comes to him, I'd face it head on, but he makes me lose any part of me that knew how to approach this. I'm like silly putty around him.

Sighing, I open my last message to Jonas and stare at it. If I wasn't so madly in my own head over Greyson, things with Jonas could have worked. He's sweet, and hot, and talented. He's a perfect package, but he's not Greyson. And I'm hopelessly doomed.

Robyn
Are you awake?

My stomach turns as I rest my phone against my torso, anxiously awaiting his response. If I could just shut my eyes and let the rest of the world fade away, then maybe I'd be able to sleep, but the longer I try to force myself to sleep, the worse it gets. I just need to let go.

Jonas
Restless?

Robyn
Something like that.
Want to go for a drive?

Jonas
With you? Always.

My stomach turns as I sit up, squeezing my eyes shut tightly. I never should have dragged him into the middle of all of this. I gave him false hope. I want to be interested in him, but I'm just not. Not the way I should be. He's a friend, and he might not even be that when I finally come clean. I messed everything up.

Robyn
I'll come pick you up.

I need to tell him the truth, even if it is right now, in the middle of the night. It's eating away at me and he deserves that much. He's been nothing but truthful with me, and he should get the same from me. Not this false pretense I've been spouting.