No Promises

chapter twenty

BY THE TIME I get home, it's nearly four in the morning but the weight that once weighed on my chest isn't there and the second my head hits the pillow, I'm overwhelmed with exhaustion. It hits me harder than it ever has, and when my alarm goes off three hours later, I'm wishing I had a little longer to stay in bed. I don't know what to expect of today, but I feel lighter. Like I don't have to hide from the truth anymore.

It's what I should have been doing from the beginning.

I was foolish to think shifting my focus onto someone else was going to fix what I was never willing to face. I've been running from my feelings for Greyson. Hiding from them, because I thought it was going to fix it. If I pretended like they weren't there, then it was like they weren't there, but that was dumb. And sometimes I'm my own worst enemy.

I like Greyson.

I feel lighter admitting that to myself. That it's not just a crush, it's something more, and it might hurt more, but at least it's there. At least I'm not running from it, and that makes me feel better, knowing that I don't have to force it down. Maybe one day I'll move on, or maybe it's something that will linger over me for the rest of my life.

It's at least better today than it was yesterday.

And at the end of the day, all I have is myself.

That's somehow easier to accept then admitting I want Greyson more than I ever have anyone else. I want to be okay with just that, but I don't think there will ever be a state where I'm just okay with that. It's not the warm and fuzzy feeling I want it to be, and despite that lingering sadness, I can't stop the smile on my face.

My heels are loud on the pavement as I pull my bags out of the backseat of my car, hurrying towards the lecture hall for my art history class. Despite waking up to my alarm, it hasn't stop me being late for my class, and my feet are quick to carry me across campus. I'm about to reach the doors to my class building when a bright blue flyer on the cylinder information board just outside catches my attention.

The black graphics on the sheet show an open mic night at the student lounge tonight, and my lips curl up as I tear the sheet from the bulletin and carry it with me as I hurry into my class. My professor's lecture is already in full swing when I sink into a seat in the back row, trying my hardest to keep quiet. As soon as I have my notebook and textbook rested in my lap, I dig my phone out of the back pocket of my ankle corduroy pants.

Robyn
Do you have plans tonight?

I set my phone face up on the textbook resting in my lap as my eyes drift to the presentation on the board at the front. My lips are still teased with a smile when my phone vibrates against the hard surface of the book, bringing my attention back to it.

Greyson
No... why?

Robyn
No questions! Just bring yourself, and your guitar to
the student lounge at 6pm, please and thank you.

Greyson
For what, exactly?

Robyn
You'll see :)

***

Classes drag on, but by the time six rolls around, I'm overjoyed at the sight of Greyson and Emmy when I make my way towards the student lounge building. Greyson's guitar case hanging from his hand as he laughs at something Emmy says. Her face twisted with grief and frustration as I approach, annoyance laced in her tone.

"He's the most annoying person I've ever met."

Greyson laughs at the annoyance written on her face. "He was just doing his job, Emmy."