𝐄𝐌𝐎𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐋𝐘 𝐒𝐂𝐀𝐑𝐑𝐄𝐃

𝐞𝐦𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐬𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐫𝐞𝐝: 𝐬𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐧

𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐮𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐥 𝐲𝐨𝐮'𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐢𝐫𝐫𝐨𝐫 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐞𝐲𝐞𝐬, 𝐛𝐞𝐠𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐭𝐨 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐨𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐛𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐠.
𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧.

𝗶𝗹𝗮𝘆𝗱𝗮 ö𝘇𝗸𝗮𝗻
𝗟𝗼𝗻𝗱𝗼𝗻, 𝗘𝗻𝗴𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗱

My eyes snapped open, I woke up covered in a cold sweat, my heart pounding, my hands shaking and tears cascading down my face. I stood up slowly, shivering, I rubbed my eyes and headed to the bathroom to splash water on my face. I roughly pushed open the bathroom door and turned on the very bright light which made me kiss my teeth in annoyance. I rested my arms on the sink and let out a loud huff. I then turned on the cold tap whilst letting it run for a while before splashing the ice cold water on my face and using a towel to dry off the dripping water that fell from my face.

I've been seeing Kalim a lot more in my dreams and it's starting to scare me. Whenever I see him, he's just standing there in a bloody white t shirt holding my crying son in his arms. I've told my parents and they tell me that I should go and get help from someone, and I've been thinking about it.

I flopped down onto my bed and stared up at the ceiling whilst trying my hardest to get back to sleep again. Which I couldn't. The sound of my phone vibrating made me turn my head in it's direction. I glanced at it and saw that my mum had messaged me.

Mum💚
Just checking on you

I replied with 'ok' and put my phone down then picked it up again because it sounded again.

Mum💚
Is everything ok?

I replied with ' yes mum I'm fine❤️' and turned my phone off.

I stood up and walked over to window where I could see the sun slowly starting to rise. I observed my surroundings and listened to the birds as they chirped loudly.

I rubbed my face and went back inside to wake up Ibrahim. Today he was spending the day with my brother and his daughter. He said they were going to some play place for kids. I woke him up, bathed him and dressed him. I put him in a blue Nike tracksuit and a pair of white airforces. By time I had fed him, my brother and my niece had came to collect him. I said goodbye and gave my brother a hug.

I jumped on the sofa and stretched my legs across it so I would be comfortable. I listened to the silence that surrounded me and took deep breaths in and out. I closed my eyes again and tried forcing myself to sleep. The faint sound of loud voices and music outside my front door made me jolt my head up. I walked to the peephole and saw a large group of boys recording what seemed like a music video. Of all places they could've done this but they chose to do it here.

I live in a 2 bedroom flat in west london. I moved in here in the beginning of February with the help of my parents and my brothers. I have made friends with a few of the other people that live in here and they all seem like nice people. There are some pros and cons to living here. One of the pros are that my flat is relatively large. Whereas, one of the cons are that the people who live above me are unnecessarily loud and it can be annoying at times. However, this place is what I can happily call my home and I love it here.

I moved away from my peephole and ran myself a shower. I planned on going out today to run some errands. I took a shower and got myself dressed. I wore a white crop top, distressed mom jeans and added on a black puffer jacket along with a black handbag and my black cat Jordan 4s. I creamed my face and picked up my phone, car keys and lipgloss.

I hopped into my Mini Cooper and made my to the Westfield in Shepherd's Bush. My car wasn't much but it took me where it needed to and I was thankful for that.

I don't even know why I came in here. I don't need anything from here but knowing me, I'll probably end up buying something anyway. I plugged in my earphones and turned my music down to a sensible volume. I walked into footasylum and bought Ibrahim a pair of trainers even though he already has a lot of shoes. After that I had a look in Zara and a couple of other shops, then I made my way home.

My brother messaged me and said that they would be coming home soon so I quickly unpacked my shopping and changed into some tracksuit bottoms and an oversized top. I strolled into my bathroom and wiped off the makeup that I had put on earlier. I looked at myself in the mirror and scoffed. I looked a mess, my skin was horrible and the bags under my eyes made me look even worse. Tears were on the verge of leaving my eyes but I threatened to not let them fall.

"Don't cry, please don't cry" I whispered to myself

The more I stared at myself, I saw a hideous and ugly person. My lips began to quiver and soon enough the tears burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down my face. Moment by moment, they fell. Salty tear drops fell from my chin and drenched my shirt. I used my arms to wipe my face but that only made more tears leave my eyes. Once the tears had calmed down, I looked at myself again and instantly screwed at the sight of me. I looked even worse than I did before. My eyes were red and puffy, my tear stained cheeks made it obvious that I was crying and I had a runny nose.

My door knocked and I went to answer it. I looked through the peephole expecting it to be my brother and my son, but nobody was there.
I turned around to walk back into my bathroom but the door knocked again. I put my eye against the peephole and jumped back at the sight of him standing there. I took one more look to make sure that I wasn't seeing things but he was really standing there.

"I refuse to believe it." I shook my head

"Ilayda open the door man!" He shouted

"Go away!" I shouted back

"Wh-I'll just let myself in" I heard him shout

The doorknob rattled and I picked up the nearest thing around me and held it tightly in my hand. The door slowly opened and I stood still with my eyes closed. I heard his footsteps get closer and closer.

"Can you leave me alone please" I whispered

I could feel him breathing on my neck so I slowly lifted up the pole in my hand and hit him in the leg. He murmured something and I hit him again.

"Can you stop!" His deep voice shouted and I immediately dropped the pole and opened my eyes

"Leav- Hassan?" I gasped

"How did you get in my house?" I asked and he pointed to the Keys on the floor

"The keys that you have under the carpet outside." He groaned

"Shit I'm sorry." I stood still

He stood up and picked up the pole, then placed it on the shoe rack by the front door.  Hassan, my brother, looked at me weirdly and kissed his teeth. He walked into the kitchen and took out some a packet of frozen fruit. He wrapped it in tissue the placed it on his leg.

"What's wrong with you?" Hassan asked

"I thought you was k-him and I got scared. Then you opened the door and I- I'm sorry." I sighed and rested my head in my hands

"You need to get help ilayda. I'm being serious, you need to see someone. Don't worry about him he's not going to trouble you for a very long time." Hassan sighed

I allowed him to abuse me and he left me traumatised. I allowed him to violate me and walk away like it was nothing. Some nights I wouldn't even get any sleep because Kalim was on my mind. Even though he's not here, he still finds a way to haunt me.

•
Excuse any mistakes x
~itssteebabyy🇬🇧