Part 32

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It has been about a week since my dream of Gus. Right now I am sitting in my bedroom, on my bed, little Gus and Infinity are with me, playing with their toys together, on the floor. The radio is on and I am just watching my twins have fun together. Knowing that Augustus is watching us.

My dad is at work. So is Isaac. It's just us three here.

"Mummy, is Isaac going to be daddy one day?" Gus asks.

"He won't be your daddy sweetie. Augustus will always be your daddy. But, if Isaac and I ever got married he would be your step-daddy." I answer. "Why? Do you want that to happen?"

"Yeah, Isaac cool. I like him." Gus says, Infinity nods in agreement.

"Maybe, one day, he might be your step-daddy." I say, thinking about what Gus said in my dream, about me and Isaac having a good life and getting married. And sure, I wouldn't mind marrying Isaac, he is amazing, and he's great with the kids, but it won't be like marrying Gus. Isaac knows that though, I told him about the dream and everything. He understands.

They go back to playing with their toys and I just watch them, listening to the radio.

The song Chasing Cars, by Snow Patrol comes on, and I can't help but sing along to it.

"We'll do it all

Everything

On our own

We don't need

Anything

Or anyone

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me

And just forget the world?

I don't quite know

How to say

How I feel

Those three words

Are said to much

They're not enough

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me

And just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden

That's bursting into life

Let's waste time

Chasing cars

Around our heads

I need your grace

To remind me

To find my own

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me

And just forget the world?

Forget what we're told

Before we get too old

Show me a garden

That's bursting into life

All that I am

All that I ever was

Is here in your perfect eyes

They're all I can see

I don't know where

Confused about how as well

Just know that these things

Will never change for us at all

If I lay here

If I just lay here

Would you lie with me

And just forget the world?"

As I sing I think about Gus, about our love and how much this song reminds me of him.

"Mummy, why are you crying?" Infinity asks.

I wipe my cheeks, not realising that I was crying.

"Don't worry. I'm fine." I tell her.

"Mummy, you a really good singer." Gus says.

"Thank you, sweetie." I say.

"Can you sing to us again?" Infinity asks.

"Okay..." I say, trying to think of a song to sing, they come over and I help them onto my bed.

"Step outside the sea

They don't know you like I do

They don't know you like I do

Not all of life is cruel

Not all of life is so untrue

Not all of life is so untrue

I can hear the morning birds

Light up on the branches

And each in turn

Sing of all God's praises

Without words

Without words

Don't turn it all inside

I don't like to see you cry

I don't like to see you cry

Whispered kisses in your ears

Touch so soft and warm

Confessions all of love for you

(Yes) without words

Stare into the flame

Until you see beyond the light

All the while, truth was mine

It's with myself, I fight

Sin you've carried like a corpse

Across your back these days

Let it fall away

Let it fall away

Let it fall away

I can hear the morning birds

So light upon the branches

And each in turn

They sing of all God's praises

Yes, without words

Without words

Without words"

My beautiful children applaud me, smiling brightly.

"Sing another song!" Gus exclaims.

So I do, we spend the next few hours singing and dancing, waiting for my dad to come home.

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