forever my baby

𝐞𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐧

"okay decorations check, cake check, clean house check, music check. birthday girl? where's the birthday girl?" i pace around the house. "check!" maddy says from her table. i blow her a kiss. "okay mama, you need to relax, take a breather." sam holds my hands.

"it has to be perfect, everything has to be perfect." i look around. "and it is! look around. mads do you love your party?" she asks maddy. "yes!" she claps. i laugh and shake my head. "it hasn't even started." i smile.

the doorbell rings and i take a deep breath. it's not like i haven't thrown her a party before. "looks like it just did." lauryn claps and opens the door. "daddy!" maddy drops her crayons and runs up to him.

"turn the music up, take a deep breath and celebrate your daughter turning three." sam winks at me then goes to the door to greet the people that walked in. "love you!" i yell to her.

okay let's do this.

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"okay everyone, it's time to sing happy birthday but first i want to thank you all for coming today to celebrate my baby. i wanna give a special thank you to my little madeline. being a mother is hard but she makes it easier every single day. i don't know what i would do without her. she's my rock, my motivation, the love of my life." i start tearing up looking at her.

she looks up at me so innocently, i know she doesn't understand so i simplify it. "i love you bug." i hug her. "i love you too mommy."

everyone awe's.

"okay let's sing happy birthday before i bawl my eyes out!" i shout picking her up. i countdown to three and everyone starts singing. maddy gets shy and hides her face.

as we're singing, i stop for a moment and look around. mason, parker, my parents, my brother, my friends and maddys friends were all surrounding us. this is my family. this heartwarming feeling overcomes my entire body and i know that i'm going to be okay.

because i'm surrounded by the people who love me and madeline unconditionally. we're going to be okay.

we all shout and maddy blows out the candles. everything is in slow motion. everything is perfect.

"now that was a party." connie flops on the couch. "the kids are sleep can we get drunk now?" lauryn does the same. "i can't, i have to finish packing." i sit down. "you're not invited mama." lauryn says. yeah yeah i get it.

"today was way better than i expected it to be." i finally relax. "you seriously panic for no reason. you should just relax and live life." connie says. they all look like they're about to pass out. "easier said then done."

☀︎☀︎☀︎

"are you nervous?" my dad asked. "i've never been on an airplane before... yes i'm nervous." i make sure to not look out the window. "why did you make me sit by the window?" i frown at him. "so you can look at the pretty clouds." he laughs.

"mommy we're flying." maddy points at the window that i'm still avoiding. "mhm." i try to distract myself. i feel like i'm about to have a panic attack. "you used to be so fearless. you wanted to go bungee jumping and sky diving. now your face is all white." my dad jokes. it's not funny.

"i can think of every single scenario that can happen right now. how are you not scared?" i try to breathe. "i don't focus on the bad." he says bluntly. i can't help it, trust me if i could i would be just as carefree as maddy was.

"i think i'm going to pass out."

"maybe you should sleep."

i cannot believe everyone around me was normal. watching a movie or sleeping. how the fuck can you sleep knowing that you're in an airplane thousands and thousands of feet into the air in the middle of the sky?

"dad hold my hand." i look at him. he does no questions asked. "okay look at me, we are going to be okay. i promise, we will land safely and we'll be in santorini." he tries to reassure me. it's not working.

i need to relax. seriously... if it was just me in here i would've been screaming but i had to keep my composure. you know, so i don't scare anyone else.

"look out the window, take pictures of the clouds." my dad says making me smile a little. "okay."

i slowly turn my head.

the view was aesthetically pleasing but my focus was not on how beautiful the view was.

"oh my god!" i say then there's black.

☀︎☀︎☀︎

"look your mom's awake. i guess i never should've told you to do that." i pick my head up from my dads shoulder and take my hand away from his. "do what?" i remember that we're on a plane. "look out the window."

i look out the window.

black once again.

☀︎☀︎☀︎

"bear wake up, we're stopping." my dads voice wakes me up. we're still in the plane. oh god. "did i take a nap?" i sit up. "something like that."

i look around to see everyone getting out. i guess this is stop one. "where are we?" i ask taking my seatbelt off. "amsterdam." he gets up. amsterdam? right the layover.

i hurry to gather my things and we all exit the plane. i can't believe we're in amsterdam. i look at my phone, it's 8:10 am. "come on the taxi is here." my mom says half asleep. we walk to the car. "are you the flores family?" the driver asked. "yes." my mom says. they talk while we put our stuff in the trunk.

madeline sits next to me in the backseat with my dad and my mom sits in the front. i'm barely waking up but i look around and smile. it's just me, maddy, and my parents.

i didn't need to bring any boys with me. i told myself that i needed a break. a break from life and a break from them. i didn't want to be with anyone, i didn't want to pick anyone.

if anything i pick my daughter. so you're technically a single mother again?

my head attacks me. i guess i was but it was different this time. i didn't feel alone. i had people in my life that were supportive. i don't really feel like a single mother.

when we got to our hotel in the city centre, we literally all knocked out. it sucked we only had thirteen hours to spend here.