forever my baby

𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐲 𝐞𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭

bri
i sit down at the foot of my bed and look at myself in the mirror. it was happening again. the depression. i feel so incredibly low. i feel myself about to cry but i don't. i suck it up and it takes a second but i do. as i stare into the mirror, my view travels down to under my bed. a book is pointing out.

i recognize it immediately. it's my diary. the one i wanted to throw away when i was younger. i kept it though for moments like these where my older and wiser self rereads the pages and laughs. i guess i wanted a bittersweet moment.

i pick it up from under the bed and flip to a random page.

oh my god. i just kissed parker for the first time!! and i just had to pull away like a fucking idiot... kill me now

i laugh. that was a gold memory. i flip towards the middle.

my parents dont love each other anymore. they divorced. this is so weird and fucked up. love doesn't feel real anymore.

my smile quickly fades. my handwriting got worse. i start to regret reading this but now i was curious to know what else i was thinking back then. i skip about ten pages and i see parkers name big in the top left corner. my heart sinks.

the pain comes back, i feel it in the handwriting. i start to read.

do you really love me like you say you do? why do you make me feel this way? you're intoxicating and suffocating at the same time. i don't know what happened between us but you're changing. you're drinking and partying now. you don't text me like you used to. the energy isn't the same. is it me? am i not pretty anymore to you? are you falling out of love with me? because that happens apparently. i don't know what i did and i'm too much of a coward to speak to you in person so i'm writing you this letter. i love you always- b

i fight back tears. i never gave it to him. this was a week before the new years party where my worst fears became my reality. i was right, parker didn't love me anymore. at least at the time.

i flip some pages back hoping to find something more happier.

my thumb stops a page and i read the capital letters.

love might be real. i think i found it. he makes me feel something. something really good. i feel beautiful when he stares at me, i feel loved when he kisses me and i feel safe when he hugs me. i don't know what's going on with me but... i think i love him. i get butterflies whenever i'm around him. parker has my heart. i'm scared though. what if we don't love each other one day like my parents? it doesn't matter, he's the one for me. i know forsure. it will always be him.

i feel warm. i smile remembering what it was like to love parker. it was beautiful. i had found my soulmate at the age of seventeen. no, more like my twin flame. parker and i weren't meant to be together. our relationship wasn't good and we both knew it.

i burst into tears while laughing simultaneously. i guess memories really are bittersweet. my laughing goes away and i'm left crying. it's just a bad mental health day.

a bad, bad day.

my room door opens and maddy comes in brushing her hair. "mom are you okay? i heard you crying." she looks down at me. i wipe my face and stand up. "i'm fine, i just thought of something sad and it made me upset." i say closing the diary and pushing it under the bed. "no you're not. why don't you like to cry in front of me?" she puts the brush on the bed and walks in front of me.