Please... make it stop... it hurts... | Depressed Deku AU

NOT A REAL CHAPTER

( If you know me in real life please don't read )

THIS IS A VENT

Ok, I'll start this off by saying that I've been depressed ever since fourth grade, or something like depression. I didn't know what depression was at the time and was very confused at what these new feelings were. I was alone throughout almost the entire time in elementary school, until about fifth grade, and when I finally found a friend they would always betray me or bully me. It got a lot worse in fifth grade. I started thinking about death daily, and life lost a lot of color for me. Everything became kinda numb.

When elementary school ended and I went into middle school. I found a friend. things got a lot better, But I could never stop having bad thoughts and feelings. I felt so horrible that I wasn't alone and I was still feeling these feelings! Which only led to me resenting myself.

When Sixth grade ended I was still close with my friend, I was happy I had her. But at the beginning of seventh grade that all changed. Suddenly she never wanted to hang out with me. and eventually I just stopped trying. The numbness only intensified. there wasn't a single day that went by that I didn't think about death, my death.

But after a little more time I met another girl and we became friends. then she introduced me to someone else. we would walk to the library together and get boba tea almost everyday. I was happy again. But everyday I thought about if I was going to lose them too. If they were going to leave me. If I'm only wasting their time. It got to a point where sometimes I had to pretend to be happy, but not often. I still very much enjoyed hanging out with them.

The days continued on, I was enjoying life for the first time in my life. But of course it had to be ruined. Quarantine happened.

It was like the world was telling me I don't deserve to be happy. I still texted with my friends, but it was never the same. I did meet another person through text who I would often see at school. Everything kept getting worse for me. Back in seventh grade was pretty much optional, you didn't have to go to class through zoom. You just had to do the homework.

On summer break I spent my summer at Michigan, we have a summer home there and we stayed at it. The days they're soon became bleak and boring. I just wanted to go back to my normal life.

Then eighth grade started. The schooling system changed, you had to go to online classes. It wasn't bad at first, but soon it just became a waste of time. I was so unmotivated. I would sometimes skip school or come late because I couldn't force myself to get up and go. I sometimes thought "what's the point? It's not like anything I do matters"

My parents are also really strict about school. So if I were to skip they would find out and I would get yelled at. They put a lot of pressure on me. It almost seems like, to them, school and grades is the only way you matter. Like; say you had a C in English. You wouldn't matter. Them yelling at Me just made me more unmotivated. Life seemed so pointless. I was so alone.

Eventually my grades began slipping, A's, became B's, and B's became C's. It was so hard to actually care.

a few weeks into school my feelings started to overflow. I had heard about cutting and that it helps some people. So I tried it. I cut my thighs, about 10 cuts. 10 long cuts lined my thighs. It felt so good to get the pain I deserved. And when the pain went away I cut my wrists. I cut them so much.

Soon my parents found out. They blamed themselves, they didn't help me at all. I told them about my suicidal thoughts which only made them blame themselves more.

"WHY!!? WHY AM I SUCH A BURDEN!?! WHY CAN'T I JUST DISAPPEAR!?! WHY DO I HAVE TO DRAG EVERYONE DOWN!?! IT'S NOT LIKE I MATTER!!" I thought that a lot, and still think that.

I came up with a couple suicide plans, never acted on them though. I used to talk to one of my friends about my feelings.

And to top it off, I miss read a message sent by one of my friends and told someone else what I thought she said and they yelled at them. I thought that they said that my feelings don't matter. But she was talking about something completely different. I was so hurt I ended up yelling at another one of my friends. I wasn't thinking clearly, everything that happened to me just built up and exploded. The friend that got yelled at by someone else that I know didn't talk to me for about 2 weeks. And if she did it was to get mad about what happened. I know it wasn't me texting her, but when I told her it was someone else she didn't believe me.

I hate myself. Now if I find one thing about myself that I mildly dislike I spiral into wave after wave of self hate. I blame myself for everything. I know it's all my fault.

As of now, me and the one that got yelled at are my only friends. I know that I will never deserve anything. I might as well just kill Myself and stop wasting peoples time. In the end I know I'll never amount to anything. and nothing I do will matter. But I know I can't give up. Even if I'm only living for my parents it doesn't matter. Death isn't a punishment for me, so maybe living is the punishment for wasting peoples time.

I think about cutting again so much that it drives me crazy sometimes! I hate! I just want everything to stop!

And besides, if I died it would hurt more people. I'm probably feeling way less than what they would feel. so I need to keep living, but I don't know how much longer I can. It's so hard, I have been dealing with this for so long. It's so tiring...
It feels like I don't know how to deal with my depression anymore.

If you read all of that thank you, really it means a lot to me. And if someone that knows me read this... please don't hate me.

Words: 1,115 ( good god that's a lot )