A Dying Girl's List

Chapter 11

Warning: Discussion about depression and suicide in this chapter. Skip this chapter if these topics are triggering.

Time...stopped.

Neither Jace nor Lissa moved.

Lissa was frozen stiff.

Jace just...stared.

Lissa couldn't understand. She doesn't think she'll ever be able to understand, why. Lissa felt Jace beside her trying to figure out what she was feeling. He massaged her shoulders, trying to get her to say something.

Anything.

Trying to decipher what was going on inside her head. His words drifted through her ears, but never processed in her brain.

Lissa didn't even know what she was feeling, every emotion inside of her was jumbled up. She didn't know whether she should have been angry, or whether she should've felt guilty for neglecting Steph, for not seeing her that much after she found out about the cancer, or should she have been understanding, and realise that it was just to much for Steph to handle?

What could have been the reason?

Was it Lissa?

Was it Steph's parents?

Was it the school?

Or...was it just Steph's decision?

An impulsive, irresponsible, reckless decision that not only affected Lissa's life, but Steph's parents lives as well.

What was so bad...so terrible, that Steph took that decision?

What drove her to take this irrational step?

What made her...commit suicide?

What made Stephanie Howards hang herself from her ceiling fan, like Van Gogh in a museum?

Lissa had a feeling something bad was going to happen. Never would she have imagined this.

That's... when it kicked in.

Lissa finally realised what she was seeing.

Her best friend, hanging from a ceiling fan, in front of her own two eyes.

Her eyes filled up with water like a bathtub, and overflowed over the edge as soon as she blinked.

All the tears came from her eyes, like a faucet opened too quickly.

It sunk in.

Her best friend was dead.

The only person who got her through elementary school, middle school, and high school, was dead.

The happy-go-lucky girl Lissa knew, would no longer be that happy-go-lucky girl ever again.

Lissa would never be able to see her smile again, or hear her jokes, or have Steph force her to do things she never wanted to do.

Lissa wasn't able to spend a lot of time with Steph lately, and Lissa felt like a terrible friend for not seeing what Steph was going through.

When did Steph deviate? About six months ago.

Where did it go wrong? After that day on the beach, it all spiralled out of control from there.

Did she hide her depression so well, that not even Lissa could see it? Yeah, she did.

Was this an impulsive decision, or did Steph think long and hard about the consequences of this action? ...

Was Steph really that... delicate on the inside?