A Dying Girl's List

Chapter 15

So...that's how it ended. Lissa and Jace. Jace and Lissa. There was no more "Lace" after that day. That ship had sunk.

After almost a year of being together, making memories together, sharing laughs, crying together, it all came to an end.

That was why she hated the fact that she was dying. She wanted to be okay with it, really she did, but she couldn't be.

If only she hadn't gotten the tumor, and if she hadn't created that List, maybe Jace wouldn't have been sitting there, breaking up with her. That was wishful thinking, but she couldn't help thinking about the "what ifs" in her life.

There were a lot.

A lot of things she wished she could've changed. A lot of things she wished she could've done differently.

Then she remembered something her chemistry teacher told her years before when she first started taking AP Chem - for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

If she hadn't found out about the tumor, or if she hadn't created that List, then she wouldn't have had the privilege of spending all that time with Jace. Even that one day with Steph. If it hadn't been for the cancer, she doubts she would've done even one thing on the List. Maybe there was a reason why all this happened to her. Maybe all this happened so that life could test her courage, her resilience, and her strength. Or maybe, to see if she'd stand up when life knocked her down – her bravery. Or maybe to make her see the beauty life had to offer.

Or, to make her see that there was more to life than just schoolwork...

Lissa had been mute ever since Jace told her his decision. As quiet as a church mouse, Jace tried to link his hands back into hers, but she wouldn't let him. She openly denied his touch. Or his attempt at a touch, at least. She's never done that before.

"Jace," he looked at her, "please leave me alone for a while," she told him. Maybe she'd just go for a ride around the city. Clear her mind for a couple of hours. Maybe ride off a bridge...

No.

She wouldn't do that. She wouldn't do anything that would make her die any sooner than she had to. She still needed solitude, though.

A look of shock washed over his face and as soon as it came, it vanished and was replaced with a look of determination.

"Lissa, I've always respected your wishes, but, and forgive me for this, I can't do it this time. I'm not going to leave you alone right now. I mean, come on, Lissa, can't we even be friends? Is that too much to ask?!" he asked, exasperated. Jace was grasping at straws, he would have tried anything possible if it meant that he could spend even a second more with Lissa by his side.

She wanted to tell him exactly what she was thinking, although she was too nice to be crude. She wanted to tell him that they couldn't just be friends and ignore the fact that they had been dating for almost a year.

She wanted to tell him that they couldn't just be friends because she had fallen in love with him.

Hard.

Head over heels in love, and all that other cliche statements she had read written by amateur writers over the years, before upgrading to more experienced authors, with paperback novels. She wanted to tell him that it was far too much to ask of her, but, just like any other time when she felt like speaking her mind, she didn't tell him any of that.

Instead, she told him with a smile, "Yeah, we can be friends."

It hurt her to the core to blurt out that sentence. Her stomach coiled and her insides were surfing on the waves of her heartache crashing through her body. She had to fight the urge to puke up all those pies they ate.