How To Annoy Harry Potter Characters

Severus Snape

1. Learn a charm that gives it's unsuspecting victim a large, fluffy, white rabbit's tail. For a week. Put it to good use.

2. Tell him you've lost your pet werewolf and has he seen it?

3. Scatter rose-petals in front of him wherever he goes.

4. Sneak up behind him and shout 'Your robes are on fire!'

5. Hug him. Say you were on strict instructions from Dumbledore to do it.

6. Learn a charm that makes fabric turn day-glo pink. You know what to do next.

7. Get an owl. Name it after him.

8. Go 'Da-da-da-dum!' in a deep voice anytime he passes by or enters a room.

9. Shout '10 points from Professor Snape!' at random moments.

10. Replace all Slytherin insignia in his quarters with that of Hufflepuff.

11. Tell loud stories about Neville Longbottom's boggart.

12. Make a voodoo doll of Harry Potter. Push pins into it in class and smile knowingly at Snape.

13. Accidentally call him 'Buzz' every now and again, for no good reason.

14. Become his 'Good-Snape' and 'Bad-Snape'. (Ie. Poke your head over his shoulder and advise him according to which Snape you are. Then switch shoulders and say the opposite. Use a silly voice. )

15. Hide your face with your hands in class. When he approaches remove them and shout 'Peek-a-boo!'

16. Leave him invitations to Sirius Black's 'birthday party at the whomping willow'

17. Squeak softly everytime he says your name during roll-call.

18. Get Hermione to teach you a spell revealing the undergarments of it's subject. Use it at every available oppurtunity.

19. Look terrified and leave the hall ANYTIME he picks up his spoon at mealtimes.

20. 'Need a brush over there Professor?'

21. Follow him closely through the hallways. Imitate his stern look and determined walk. If he turns around, stand still and smile sweetly.

22. Leave copies of Lockhart's biography all around the place.

23. Introduce him with the words "Here is a man who not only has a brilliant mind and a wonderful wit, but can also sing.'

24. Transfigure a jack-in-the box's head to look like him. Wind it up and leave it outside his door. Run like hell.

25. Charm his hair into dreadlocks.

26. Get a hose. Corner him. Spray him down. Run.

27. Doodle things on your potions notes about 'that cute Potter kid'

28. Doodle things on your potions notes about 'that cute Longbottom kid'

29. Offer him tequila.

30. Get a tattoo. One that says 'Sevvie' Insist it has nothing to do with him.

31. Eat chocolate cake in class. Offer to let him lick the plate clean.

32. Every lesson, quote things he said last lesson. Word for word.

33. Transfigure his robes into a Molly-Weasley-esque woollen jumper with a large 'S' on it.

34. Owl him long and detailed accounts of your summer holidays.

35. Dress like him and dye your hair black. Refer to yourself as 'mini-snape'

36. Ask him what his middle name is.

37. Leave a well-worn and sickeningly cute teddy-bear where it can be easily seen by staff and students. Ensure it has a tag, written in a child's hand, stating that he 'belongs to Severus' and is called 'Chuckles'

38. Make casual but loud references to Harry Potter being considered for an Order of Merlin.

39. Talk back in class. With a bad Scottish accent.

40. If you're a sneaky Slytherin, slip him a potion that makes him sing everything he says to the tune of 'I've Got A Lovely Bunch Of Coconuts'

41. If you're a gutsy Gryffindor, draw a lightening-bolt scar on his forehead when he's asleep.

42. If you're a well-read Ravenclaw, bring large piles of books to class, and verify anything he states. Loudly. (ie: 'He's right you know! or 'He's done it again!')

43. If you're a hard-working Hufflepuff, write long extra-curricular essays about the benefits of good, strong cleansing-potions

44. If you're a feisty Faculty member, flick things at him during dinner at the High Table.

45. When he leans down to inspect your work - Grab your wand, place the tip of it directly between his eyes and shout 'Lumos!'

46. Nickname your quill 'Snapie' and talk to it during class.

47. Drop vague hints that McGonagall likes him a little more than strictly necessary.

48. Drop vague hints that Filch likes him a little more than strictly necessary.

49. Get your potion horribly wrong. Smile when he berates you and ask if that deserves a detention.

50. Get your potion all over him. Smile when he splutters incoherently with anger and ask if THAT deserves a detention.

51. Grab some friends. Surround him. Sing the entire soundtrack to Moulin Rouge.

52. Imply that you think Professor Lupin was the only deserving applicant for the Dark Arts job.

53. Leave anonymous notes on his desks. Have them say things like 'Remember that summer in 72, Severus dear?' or 'Meet me in the restricted section...and bring a friend!'

54. Refer to him as 'Cuddles'

55. Smile at him. All the time.

56. Publish a newsletter detailing his life and everyday activities. Call it 'The Daily Snape'

57. Hum 'The Sun Ain't Gonna Shine Anymore' during any moments of silence in class.

58. Ask him why he saved Harry Potter. Ask him every day.

59. Clap noisily when he finishes telling someone off.

60. Knock over your cauldron, spill it everywhere and shout 'Surf's up, Sir!'

61. Sneak into his chambers. Put blast-ended-skrewts in his underwear drawer.

62. Transfigure all his quills into giant purple peacock feathers.

63. Go christmas-caroling at his door. Do not leave or cease singing until dawn. Do this in July.

64. Ask him at the end of every Potions lesson if he knows a good love-potion.

65. Charm his hair bright orange.

66. Ask him if he wants a massage.

67. Hide in his chambers at night. Wake him up by jumping up and down on his bed shouting 'Rise and Shine Professor!'

68. Find out the passwords to his office and private chambers. Cast a spell to change them to 'Fluffy White Kittens' and 'Flowers & Lollipops'

69. Drool in your potion.

70. When he glares at you, give a similar glare back. If he blinks or looks away jump up and shout 'I won!'

71. When he leans towards you in class, looming over you and generally looking menacing - reach up, tweak his nose, then twiddle your thumb between your index and forefinger and say 'Got your nose!' triumphantly.

72. Learn a charm that makes people sprout interesting flowering plants from their hair. Use your imagination.

73. Ask him if he knows who Alan Rickman is.

74. Anytime you catch his eye, wink at him.

75. When he next deducts points from you, threaten to drop him from 32 storeys.

76. Call him Severus.

77. If you're brave, call him Sev.

78. If you're really brave, call him 'Sevvie-kins'.

79. If you're suicidal, call him 'precious-little-Sevvie-kins'

80. When he's teaching, say 'Delicious' or 'Scrumptious!' after every ingredient he lists off.

81. Ask him about his private life and personal hygiene.

82. Present him with a pet baby bunny rabbit every few weeks. Tell him each one is called Minerva.

83. Form a cheerleading squad. Make up a dance and chant for him. Follow him around.

84. Send him Valentines in February.

85. Send him Valentines in August.

86. To avoid suspicion and create more annoyance, give vague hints in these Valentines that they are from a certain blonde Slytherin.

87. Offer him sweets. Every chance you get. Insist that he try the green ones.

88. Set his robes on fire.

89. Set your own robes on fire. Insist that he save you.

90. Doodle things on your left arm during his lessons

91. Follow him around singing cheerful Beatles songs until you can sing no more.

92. Find out when his birthday is. Throw a surprise party. Shower him with gold ribbons and pink balloons.

93. Make a habit out of grabbing Harry Potter and dragging him into Snape's office by his ears, crying 'Here he is Sir! I've got him!'

94. Transfigure all the buttons down his front into large, pink flowers.

95. Turn in all your essays on perfumed paper covered in scribbled little love-hearts.

96. When he turns his back, imitate anything he just said in a high, squeaky voice.

97. Procure some ferret-droppings. Leave a large pile of them in his desk. Insist that Draco Malfoy did it.

98. Show up drunk.

99. Giggle constantly. Give no reason. Continue until he kicks you out of the dungeons.

100. Fall completely, head-over-heels in love with him. Let everybody know about it.

101. Stand at the entrance to the Potions classroom. Charge entry.

102. Ask him if he's ticklish. Tell him if he lies 'you'll know'.

103. Sacrifice small creatures and first-years in his name.

104. Offer to 'bewitch his mind and ensnare his senses.'

105. Conclude potions lessons with the words 'See you next time folks! Same bat time! Same bat channel!'

106. Sign him up for Madam Hooch's new class. 'Physical Fitness for the Mentally Depressed'

107. Hum and whistle the score from Austin Powers the moment he enters the Potions room.

108. Be sure to let him know when there's a full moon coming.

109. Every time his back is turned in class, move one seat closer to him. Continue until you are directly in front of him or the lesson ends.

110. In speaking with him, casually refer to Voldemort as 'yer boss'

111. Scheme loudly about him in the library. When you know he's behind the nearest shelf.

112. Greet him as you would a life-long friend, punch him in the arm and call him 'Sevster, old pal'

113. Charm his bedsheets to entangle him in his sleep, ensuring he must wrestle them for a quarter-hour each morning just to get out of bed.

114. Sit with him at Quidditch matches. Promise loudly to 'protect him from those nasty little Gryffindor girls.'

115. Owl him the lyrics to your favourite songs.

116. Tell him at great length about your newly brewed potion which you have called 'brown-gunk-in-a-bottle'.

117. Shiver with some undisclosed emotion should he call on you in class.

118. Transfigure his robes into comic-book super-hero style tights, cape, logo and utility belt.

119. Mutter loudly in class that he '...still owes me rent'

120. Should he ever sarcastically enquire if you would like a detention, hold up a hand and say 'I will not be swayed by your sweet words of temptation!'

121. Ask him if he fears the sunlight, or is he just naturally pale?

122. Sign your name on anything of his you can get hold of.

123. Transfigure his cauldron into a large sack of milk-duds.

124. 'Forget healing potions, Sir! Lets bottle some fame!'

125. Hide behind him anytime Harry Potter approaches.

126. 'Wingardium Leviosa' the back of his robes so that they float vertically behind him and look like a 6-foot-high collar.

127. Offer to knight him.

128. Squint at him non-stop from the very second he comes into your view until he leaves again. Do this for the entire month of March, every year of your attendance.

129. Launch into a hearty rendition of the B-52s 'Love Shack' anytime he needs to go anywhere near Hagrid's hut.

130. Walk around carrying the end of his robes like a bridal gown.

131. Follow him at a distance. Try to make it obvious what you are doing.

132. Sneak up on him and jab him in the ribs. Screech 'poke!' loudly and run
off.

133. Ask for his autograph.

134. Hire some thugs. Have them beat people up who say anything against the good name of Snape. Or who looked like they might have been thinking it.

135. Ask him at what age his hair 'lost it's natural lustre and shine?'

136. Question his stability regularly.

137. Volunteer to assist him. Drop or break anything he requires you to be in contact with.

138. Let him catch you pretending your wand is a light-sabre. Ask him if he wants to be Obi-Wan or Han Solo. Offer to show him how to make the correct 'sabre-sounds'.


139. When he calls on you in class, look stunned, stutter and garble some nonsense - then fall out of your seat.

140. Ask when he's 'gonna get to the brewing glory part?'

141. Stand guard outside his chambers. Make fists and 'tough-arms' at anyone who looks that way twice. If questioned, state that you 'wouldn't want anything to happen to him'

142. Dust the floor behind him, following him as he walks. Also dust anything he touches.

143. Charm his hair into ringlets.

144. Put up a notice proclaiming the formation of your own fan-club. Sign his name as the first eager member.

145. Invite him to join you for a nice, healthy game of musical chairs.

146. Leave Harry Potter bound and gagged outside Snape's rooms every morning for a year.

147. Anytime he comes near you, hold up your robes above your head with one arm and shelter beneath them until he leaves.

148. Subscribe to unlikely magazines in his name.

149. When he enters his classroom, scurry over and wipe down his seat before he has a chance to sit down.

150. Write his biography. Have it published. Offer him a signed copy.

151. Babble incoherently in class until you've lost all your house points.

152. Set up a shrine to him. Somewhere very public.

153. When he leans over your cauldron to inspect your work, reach out and pin a S.P.E.W badge on him.

154. Shout suddenly in the middle of class 'Ooh, sir, hold that pose!' and quickly begin sketching him.

155. Steal quietly up behind him, lift his robes, raise your hot-iron and brand his neck with a mark of your own.

156. Fill his bed with small, adorable, fluffy creatures. While he's in it.

157. Tell him that you 'know'. Tap the side of your nose and nod knowingly.

158. Weep openly when he gives you detention.

159. Casually mention you're thinking of changing your name to Severus.

160. Ponder aloud on the colour of his underwear.

161. Whistle the march from 'Bridge on The River Kwai' as you follow him down to one of the many detentions you are likely to recieve.

162. Observe him. Take notes.

163. Become an animagi. Be very cute. Try to get him adopt you.

164. Try to get him adopt you anyway.

165. Forbid anyone to touch him. Enforce the rule.

166. Chain yourself to him and go limp.

167. When his food arrives at mealtime, jump out of your seat, dash up to the high table and insist on tasting the food before he has a bite. 'Just in case.'

168. For the duration of each meal, jump out of your seat at random moments, dash up to the high table and ask if he wants anything on that, waving condiments madly.

169. Carve small likeness's of him. Leave them around the school.

170. Have him committed.

171. Ask him to teach you how to tango.

172. Crash Death-Eater revels shouting 'Sev! You had a party and you didn't invite me? I'm hurt!'

173. Transfigure his robes into a safari-suit. Wear one yourself. Dance about and slap him with pilchards.

174. While he's out, fill his rooms completely, wall to wall, floor to ceiling, with balloons.

175. Ask him if he wants to meet your mother.

176. Ask him everyday if he'll show you 'that stopper-in-death trick, that sounded neat.'

177. Put up your hand eagerly in class when he asks a question. If he calls on you, ignore his question and say 'Sir? Can you do this?' Then perform stupid party face-tricks. (Ie: roll your tongue, flip your eyelids or
wiggle your ears)

178. Faint regularly in his class.

179. Anytime you catch his eye, mouth something undecipherable at him. Make it look urgent.

180. Write and choreograph a play about him for the school to perform. 'Severus: The Musical'.

181. Cast yourself in the lead.

182. And all the other roles.

183. Make him daisy-chains. Enquire frequently as to why he doesn't wear them.

184. Refer to him as 'Lord and Master of all things Slimy'

185. Chase him.

186. Throw your arms around him on random occaisions.

187. Sing 'The Lumberjack Song' at him endlessly.

188. Dedicate essays to him.

189. Trip him up in the halls. Every single chance you get.

190. Approach. Kneel. Propose. Run.

191. Become his campaign manager for an election you've invented. Hang 'Vote Snape' signs. Wear a badge.

192. When he leans in to see the contents of your cauldron, whack him over the head, scream 'Tag! You're it!' and dash out of the classroom, giggling.

193. Paint a portrait of him. Use your imagination. Insist on hanging it in the Great Hall.

194. Grin insanely throughout each and every potions class.

195. 'Prozac, sir?'

196. Laugh enthusiastically at any mild joke or sarcasm that leaves his mouth. Laugh for about 10 minutes longer than necessary. Laugh until you cry.

197. Breed koalas in his bathroom.

198. Lie down in puddles and beg him to step on you rather than get his feet soggy.

199. Enquire of him if he would like to borrow some shampoo.

200. Find a website focusing on really bad Snape/Harry slash-fic. Print them off and owl them to him regularly.

201. Write a list of all the things you could do to him!

202. Always be five strides ahead of him, rolling out an endless red carpet.

203. Present him, each morning, with a sack-lunch for the day. In a kiddie's lunchpail of course.

204. Sneak up behind him. Go 'Boo!' and giggle. Walk away mumbling that you 'got him good'.

205. Shave his head while he sleeps.

206. Keep the hair. Have fun with Polyjuice.

207. Offer to assist him with his love-life.

208. Run to pull his chair out for him at mealtimes.

209. Charm him to talk with an awful Australian accent. And use awful stereotypical Australian slang. Think Crocodile Hunter. Think Crocodile Dundee.

210. Wolf-howl loudly from a VERY good hiding place.

211. Call him 'Flicky Flickerton' by accident.

212. In fact, call him by a different name everytime you see him. 'Tinkerbell' 'Spot' and 'Twinkle-Toes' should go down well.

213. Sigh loudly whenever he walks away from you.

214. Try to get him to dance the Hokey-Pokey. Demonstrate.

215. Tell him to pick on somebody his own size. Stand on your tiptoes and suggest yourself.

216. Run into his quarters excitedly, grab him and drag him outside. Point at a cloud that you insist 'looks JUST like you sir!'.

217. Make him play 'Monopoly' with you. Win.

218. Attempt to hide inside his robes whenever Neville Longbottom's potion threatens to explode.

219. Grab a friend. Grab his wand. Play 'Snapey-in-the-middle'.

220. Make vague allusions to having been witness to his birth.

221. Run after him in the halls with Christmas Crackers. Insist he crack one with you. Insist he wear the silly paper hat that emerges.

222. Ensure your potions explode directly in his face. When they do say 'That'll teach ya!'

223. When you see him coming, lie down in the hallway. Insist that you 'have fallen and can't get up'.

224. One word: Veritaserum

225. Two words: Cotton Candy

226. Bounce up and down with anticipation until he begins each class.

227. Tell him he's 'Snape-tastic!'

228. 'Snape-o-riffic!' works just as well.

229. Get him stoned. Be ready with meat-pies and twinkies when he gets the munchies.

230. As he stalks by, enquire loudly of your friends if he 'isn't just the cutest little thing you ever did see?'

231. In his class, hold your breath until you turn purple and pass out. Every lesson


232. Charm his eyes red and his hair white. In other words, turn him albino.

233. Look at him. Give him over-exaggerated expressions. Change your expression every 5 seconds. 'Excited' Scared' 'Thoughtful' 'Angry' 'Sad' 'Demure' etc

234. Enjoy his classes a little *too* much.

235. Enquire after his health.

236. Enquire after his wealth.

237. Enquire after his boxers.

238. Ask him if he's related to Basil Fawlty.

239. Anytime you see him venture out of doors, grab your broomstick and take off. Continually swoop him until he runs inside again.

240. Hide under your desk in potions. Pretend you're sure he can't see you. Even if he bends to look straight down on you.

241. Form a choir. Stand behind him as he teaches. Sing hymns and drinking songs softly throughout lessons.

242. Tackle him.

243. Relate to him in great detail the dreams you had the previous night. Tell what you think the deeper meaning of them is. Be specific, long-winded and horribly pretentious.

244. Steal his Death-Eater robes.

245. Give them back. Dyed yellow, of course.

246. Waggle your eyebrows suggestively at him. Whenever you feel the moment is right.

247. Charm his robes to look tye-died and give him circular sunglasses.

248. Sneak up behind him. Blindfold him. Spin him in circles a few times. Run away.

249. Learn basic muggle magic tricks. Call yourself The Great Snape-ini. Constantly approach him with a deck of cards, imploring him to 'Pick a card, any card!'

250. Ask him if he's 'sure about that, sir?' whenever he states a fact in class.

251. Wait to one side of the staffroom door with a club in your hands. Bash him over the head and knock him out when he emerges. Do this every day until he is scared to leave the staffroom.

252. Transfigure his robes into the outfit of a stereotypical 70's grunge rocker. Add a neck-slung guitar.

253. Transfigure his robes into the outfit of a stereotypical 80's punk. Leathers, make-up, zippers n' all.

254. Pierce one of his ears while he sleeps.

255. Ask him to try a potion you've just concocted with random ingredients. Promise him that 'It'll knock your socks off'

256. Follow him around quoting 'The Sunscreen Song'

257. Transfigure random articles in the potions classroom into butterflies.

258. Procure his mother's address. Owl her frequently with 'reports' on her son.

259. Grab his arms. Swing him around. Sing 'Make your own kind of music Sing your own special song, Make your own kind of music, even if nobody else sings along!'. Let him go. Run

260. Ask him how old he is.

261. Sit there in class staring at him. Do this all year and fail the class.

262. Push him in the lake.

263. Wear a tutu to class. When he berates you tell him 'If you're really that jealous, you can try it on later.'

264. Charm a music box that playes "greensleves' into never stopping. Make it invisible and leave it in his quarters.

265. 'Are you cheating on me?'

266. Give him a Metallica T-Shirt for his birthday.

267. Bake him a cake!

268. Encourage him to take up knitting.

269. Attempt to carve your name into his arm.

270. Chant softly. 'Snape Snape Snape...' whenever he walks by. Continue until he is out of hearing range.

271. Promise him a puppy.

272. Leave a yo-yo in his quarters with a note that says 'Keep this with you always. It may save your life someday.'

273. Follow him around, frantically writing anything he ever says to anyone at anytime.

274. When he looks like he's about to snap at someone shout 'Sic 'em Severus!'

275. Get a good run-up. Jump on his back and shout 'Piggy-Back! Piggy-Back'

276. Pretend to fall over anytime he is within 5 feet of you. Land on him.

277. If he is more than 5 feet away from you, but still within striking distance, launch yourself at him.

278. Owl him (anonymously) random articles from a Muggle publication known as 'The Enquirer' Attach notes to them stating that he should 'study these carefully. They contain clues.'

279. Should he recieve the minutest injury, mother him excessively and drag him by the robes to Madam Pomfrey. (I'm talking paper-cuts and toe-stubbings here)

280. Ask him about his childhood.

281. Get the potions class to do a wave when he enters the room.

282. Ask him the particulars of his relationship with Lucius Malfoy.

283. When he leans down to inspect your work - pull out a small length of yarn and dangle it in his face as you would a cat.

284. Insist that the lunch you just had was 'Snape-a-licious!'

285. Make a trail of Bertie Bott's every flavour beans from the Gryffindor Towers to his door.

286. At the end of each potions class, leave him a 'report card' detailing how you think he did that lesson. Comments like 'has potential' 'adequate' and 'moderately intimidating' are perfect.

287. Conjure up bright blue suspenders to appear over his robes in the middle of class.

288. Repeat every thing he says, just after he says it, in a loud whisper and follow each repeat with the words 'Ohhhh, interesting...VERY interesting.' Pretend to scribble things down rapidly.

289. Greet him for the first time each day with the warning 'You stay out of my dreams, you master of temptation, you.'

290. Attempt to harness 'Snape-power'

291. Lock him in a room with Professor Trelawny.

292. On St. Patrick's day - Charm his robes and eyes green and his hair red. Conjure up a long, red beard and large, green top hat. Charm a cloud of four-leaf clovers to swarm around his head all day. Enjoy.

293. Get him a pet llama.

294. Leave copies of these lists lying around.

295. Alternatively, pin them up. Anonymously.

296. When he attempts to scare you in class, yawn, look bored and tell him you're 'Sorry, but the thrill is just gone.'

297. Completely ignore his existence. Do not pay him the smallest amount of attention whatsoever. Act as though you cannot see him. If he speaks, do not answer. If he is right in front of you, look straight through him.
Constantly ask people (when he can hear you) where he has disappeared to.

298. Walk up to him every morning. Hit him repeatedly with a rolled up copy of 'The Daily Prophet'

299. Tell him he's got something on his face, when he clearly doesn't. Urge him to wipe it off. Insist that it is still there.

300. 'How's that rash healing up, Professor?'

301. Tell him you know how to 'charm the wickedness out of him'

this is a VERY long one sorry<3