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Chapter 4

Billie

For the past few days I couldn't stop thinking about what happened and wondering what possessed me to pull a gun on that man and him saying that he wants me to work for him. I've been smoking a lot more than usual, I could only function when I'm high. I've been watching my back, afraid that Raymon has his men stalking me. Makes me wish I had more of that...stuff, on one of the worst nights of my life I've had the best high of my life at the same time.

I carry a gun with me for protection. Before Eloise was born I was ruthless, just as bad as the people I hang out with, but after having a baby I've calmed down I'm only Sane because of my daughter.

On the bright side I've been talking with Cassie more and we went to golf and stuff for our first date. She has gotten to know the real me better and we talked about more dates we could go on. So as you can tell I've been distracted, but when I'm alone, those dark thoughts tend to creep in.

"Mama," Eloise said while using my arm to prop herself up on the couch. I was watching a movie with her and I completely zoned out, I hadn't realized that she was calling me. I was high as shit on molly.

"Hi baby I'm sorry,"

I rubbed my irritated nose and wrapped my arm around my daughter, picking her up and placing her on my lap facing me.

"Wussup?"

She pointed at the screen and pointed at the flying airplane which gave me the idea of making paper airplane.

"You wanna make an airplane? we can make an airplane"

I picked her up and stood up holding Eloise in the air and mimicked her flying like an airplane which sent a rage of laughter through her. I found some paper and some color pencils and began crafting at the table in the living room, teaching Eloise how to make a paper airplane. We made four in total and colored them. I added some really cool designs and Eloise...tried but she's only one so I gave her props for making it colorful I loved her creativity.

"Alright ready?" I propped myself on my knees and had Eloise in front of me and I picked up one of the paper airplanes.

"3, 2, 1, go," I said before tossing the paper airplane and watching it fly across the room.

Eloise's eyes lit up and she got excited about flying more airplanes. The second one I helped her through it and I smiled when I saw how happy she was, giggling and clapping. She's already getting so big so moments like this while she's still little, I cherish the most. I'm afraid that when she gets big, I'm going to lose moments like these with her.

I know that I'm young myself, but I'm still a mom who's afraid of their kid growing up in this fucked up world. I just hope I raise her right, or live to see her grow and maybe have kids of her own when she's grown. I wonder if I'm going to have any more kids give her siblings maybe a sister or a brother. It's hard to think about these things when I've been growing in depression.

I don't even know if I'm going to live to see her second birthday if the drugs don't take me first then it's the depression...

"Your birthday is coming up in two months, you're going to be one mama," I said holding her in the air and catching her. I gave her a mommy's peck on the lips and brought her back down to sit and throw another airplane.

"I already thought about your cake and your party theme, I was thinking something whimsical, moons and stars and fairies, lots of pastel colors, porcelain tea cups and vintage toys. That's the way I see you, my little whimsy loo how did I get so lucky?"