Blood Floweret

« Chapter Four »

She was relieved.

After she managed to collect herself, she felt a little embarrassed that Leroy had seen her so vulnerable but she couldn't deny they shared a connection. He may be older, have more wisdom, and more experienced but he understood from her level and that made all the difference. He was like a father. He was just a good soul, trying to help all the broken in the world. 

But what was even better was that she upheld her agreement. She had finished the incredibly hard task and now her shoulders felt lighter as Leroy accepted part of the burden. He completely understood that she didn't want the title anymore and he wholeheartedly accepted her little pack as his own. They would hold the ceremony in a few days, everyone would take a vow and become joined with the rest of Aloysius. 

She had done it.

Before she had left Leroy's office, he called her name. 

She turned, hand on the doorknob, "Yes?" 

"Take care of yourself. You don't have anyone to worry about now," Leroy said sincerely, "I don't want to see you trying to be someone you aren't anymore, alright?" 

She nodded. It was ironic, really, that only a few hours ago she had told his son that. She told every child that because she knew how much it hurt to be someone she wasn't. But, as she said her thanks and headed out of his office, she realized he was right. She didn't have to pretend to be strong anymore, she didn't have to fake an appearance for the sake of others, she could be herself. And that brought a single question.

Who was she?

She thought about it. Slowly, she realized she didn't really know. She had lost herself pretending to be someone she wasn't and yet she hadn't ever really found herself either. She had grown up with people making choices for her, forcing her into situations, and she never had the chance to voice her opinion. 

She did what they wanted, acted how they pleased, and obeyed like a good girl. She wasn't allowed to figure out who she wanted to be and she was so focused on escaping hell that she didn't even know. Now, she had the opportunity to explore. To choose. To decide. She couldn't describe that feeling. It was almost overwhelming. She didn't know what she truly liked, what food was her favorite, if she would like a hobby. 

However, what she did remember, was that she made her best friend a promise. In his final moments, she promised him that she would keep trying. That seemed to be the answer to everything. Keep trying. She needed to keep trying to work through her emotions, to work through her past, and try to figure out how to deal with the pain. She needed to keep trying to open up to Cassius. It wasn't going to be easy, nothing ever really was, but as long as she tried. 

In that moment, everything seemed to be crystal clear. Maybe it was hope that blossomed beneath her breastbone. Or maybe it was the relief of finally being freed of her burden--most of it anyway. But for the first time in a long time, she didn't feel trapped. She didn't feel like she was shoved into a box, or a puppet waiting for her strings to be pulled, or the expectations of people around her slowly crushing her soul. 

She just felt... alive. 

Breathing, living, surviving. She was surviving. She took a moment to close her eyes and she inhaled. She could hear her heartbeat and she unconsciously settled her fingers over her heart to feel its strong pulse. There was life there, strong and sure, and it pushed blood through her veins and fought for her to keep breathing. Keep trying.  

Her skin was not paper to be cut, it was not a canvas to be decorated by other artists, it was hers. Her story. Her body was not a doll to be played with, it was not meant to please others, it was hers. Her choice. Her mind was not a ball of yarn to tangle into a mess, it was not meant to carry the opinion of others, it was hers. Her thoughts. 

Maybe she was being selfish, finally choosing to focus on herself, but if it brought the peace and joy that it did to those around her...she wanted to try. She wanted to forget the opinions of everyone else and she wanted to discover who she truly was. She didn't want to play games or jump through hoops, she wanted to take control of the wheel and find her own destiny. 

However, she still needed help. She couldn't get through all of the bumps and blocks in the road to reach that beautiful destination alone. She was tired of fighting, so tired of beating around the bush and trying to hold back. Like she had done with Cassius only hours ago, she wanted to scream everything for the wind to carry away. She wanted the hypothetically bleed out all the bad blood that surged in her veins. 

She wanted to leave the memories that haunted her though now she knew the answer was not to ignore them. One time or another, she would have to face them and tell them that they didn't hurt her anymore. She would have to face her demons and kick them out because they no longer had fear over her. She would need to process her own feelings and allow them to flow like the river. And it indimitated her because she wasn't sure how to accomplish all of these little things but over the short day she had been at Aloysius; something about them inspired her. 

Maybe it was the pure understanding and genuine acceptance. Maybe it was because she realized her mate shared similar pain. Maybe it was because their very Alpha was capable of understanding her and the pain she felt. Maybe it was because this place, this safe haven, it felt like it could become a home. She felt like she might just belong here. 

She wouldn't need to think about running far away because she didn't have to worry about being abused anymore. She still had pain to deal with but she was slowly realizing that she wasn't alone in dealing with that either. These people surrounding her, they suddenly didn't feel like black and white faces in a crowd anymore, they felt familiar and welcoming. They saw the broken pieces she held and some had stopped to help her carry those pieces. 

She was trying to understand it all. And that's what mattered. 

Just one step at a time. 

♦         ♦         ♦         ♦         ♦        ♦

*wipes away a tear*

I absolutely love reaching the turning point for my broken characters. That moment when they start seeing things differently, start thinking differently, and it just warms my heart because every personal change happens in the mind. Our minds are powerful.

 There will be setbacks, trust me, there always is. But she's on the right road to pull through and in all reality, I never reached this point until eight months after tragedy. I spent a lot of time in denial and anger...and that's gonna reflect in Val soon.