Blood Floweret

« Chapter Eight »

She avoided almost everyone. 

She made excuses not to show up for dinners because she couldn't control her anger. She would undeniably become triggered again if she saw their faces. She wouldn't be able to control her lashouts, she almost wanted to see the pain flicker across their faces. Slowly, she was losing sight of herself. Blinded by the anger, she could no longer form a kind thought, she was consumed with the poisonous feelings that demanded revenge. 

She stewed on her hatred for her old pack members. Those people who thought they could just change for the better without a single consequence for their actions. Why did they get away with their behavior and she didn't? She had to carry a burden for her own stupid actions and they never saw an ounce of misery or pain. She hated that. They got it easy and they just kept playing their two-faced game. 

They might have fooled everyone else but they hadn't fooled her. She knew who they were. She wanted to expose them. She wanted to turn everyone against them and then maybe they could feel the utter hopelessness she was forced to grow up in. They could be the outcasts of the pack, just like they made her, and she would stand there with a grin. She wished karma would work faster but time had its own pace and it didn't care about anyone else. 

Little did she know, she was playing their game. Get hit, hit back ten times harder. Get hurt, hurt them ten times worse. It wasn't the answer. It wouldn't solve anything. It was a never-ending cycle that would keep poisoning the world. She was falling victim to their games, becoming as miserable and bitter as them, and she didn't even realize it. They were winning and she was letting them. Like the riptide waiting to rip an unsuspecting victim from the safe waters, she was going to the depths where she would drown if she didn't get her head straight. 

Nonetheless, she couldn't really avoid any of the other meals because Darren made sure she ate a balanced breakfast and Cassius joined her for lunch after training sessions or meetings. Her mate was observant of her strange behavior but after multiple failed attempts to get her to talk, he just tried to invite her places in an attempt to distract her mind. A walk, to watch the training sessions, an afternoon nap, or even a hug that lasted several minutes longer than she expected. He was trying to express his understanding but she just wanted to close everyone out again. It felt safer to draw back and hide in the shell she had created.

Ever since that night with Cassius, she felt emotionally drained. Maybe that's why she felt like she was walking on a fraying tightrope. In any second she could snap. She felt flinchier than usual, she didn't want people within close proximity, and she needed to protect herself. After coming so far to open up, she was retreating to familiar grounds, a defense mechanism that happened when she hurt the most. 

This went on for nearly four days.

Until one morning, she just broke down again. She never cried in the early morning hours but these sessions seemed to become a solid part of her life now. She was a mess and she broke down at the weirdest times lately. Broken and lost, she was so confused about what she had to do next. She didn't want to disappoint anyone, they had helped her so far, but she knew they couldn't heal her pain for her. She had to run out of options, hit rock bottom, before she could see her path. 

As she watched the people around her, she witnessed the warmth of their love for each other, and she realized she longed to be like them. She was watching in envy. She knew they had ugly pasts, each with their own story of tragedy, but somehow they managed to rise above. They overcame and she wanted to know how, she needed to know. She craved the peace they had.

What did they have, that she didn't?

Tears pricked the corners of her eyes. She was so tired of fighting, she was so tired of constantly trying to maintain control, tired of pushing everyone away when she was hurting the worst. She just wanted to feel every emotion as they did. She wanted to feel it and she didn't want to cry from the raw pain it would cause. She wanted to be like them, strong and proud, with the uncanny ability to accept their feelings and their pasts without feeling broken. 

She wanted something more than this agony that twisted her heart every day.

What was wrong with her? 

Why was she struggling this much? Why, when she looked at everyone else, they seemed to have it figured out? They held their heads high and they spoke of their pain as if it was the easiest thing; whilst she struggled to think about her best friend and she couldn't even say his name because it felt like someone was ripping her heart out. She was trapped in the vortex of the storm, watching with jealousy as everyone else seemed to dance in the rain. 

Why couldn't she just be like everyone else? 

She hated herself. For not being able to pull through, for not being okay, for always finding herself in these deep, dark places that whispered malicious thoughts. She felt like she could only climb up so far before she slipped and fell to the bottom of the pit again. She felt stuck here and she wanted to scream. Why couldn't she get out? 

Maybe the pain would never go away. Maybe she would always have trouble breathing and her chest would hurt and she would cry at night. She was so busy focusing on her pain and the why nots, she was only hurting herself even more. By holding onto her pain, she would never see the answer that was painfully obvious. 

She needed to let go. 

And she needed to figure out how. 

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Ugh. This got me hard in the feels. 

I spent an entire year hating the world, hating people, and hating myself. These emotions are valid, I promise, and I haven't made up a single thing so far. If you are feeling the same way, I want you to know you'll make it. You will get out. You will find happiness again. And you will experience setbacks like this, but don't ever give up; you just gotta keep trying, okay?