Babysitter Cougar [COMPLETE]

Chapter 30 page 1 - The Edge of The Bridge

Two months later

I watch the moving vehicles from the sidewalk pass me by like F1 racers throttling towards the finish line. These drivers and the passengers still have purposes in their life to live, and I envy them because I don't.

I don't know if I have the will to live now that I'm left alone by the streets with no one to love or care for me. Saint dumped me by the side of an unknown road fortified by thick dark forest during the night after our fight. He accused me of being a danger to Saloma, claiming that I don't deserve our daughter's love other than to live, and then took her away with him.

I've been travelling on foot from early hours to dusk, roaming around until my feet turn sore just to find my way back home. But then I realised that I no longer have a home.

I returned to Palmira Loft a couple of days later on a vain effort to find redemption when the security barred me from entering the compound. They either told me the house is unoccupied or just simply refused to let me in. Saint's attempt to remove me from his life is meant to prove to me that he's winning the battle. Of course he gets what he wants, he always does. However, my anxiety towards Saloma's safety mounts up with gruesome images of her being tortured by her father growing up.

Feeling paranoid, I approached a couple of police stations to lodge a report on Saint but it got purged during the initiation because my lack of solid evidence is too sceptical for them to take my story. If I seek help from my friends and Sabina, they might be abashed to see my state to help me out right now. Returning to Dad could put myself on the line because I'm not his daughter anymore. So, I omit anxiety from my mind and pray that Saint still has a heart to raise Saloma the way his mommy had raised him.

I let my feet take me to places where I can find shelter; the bus stops, covered areas nearby train stations, pedestrian overbridges, KL Sentral waiting hall, under overpasses, and I change my lodging every day or two on repeat. These endless wandering with no proper bed to sleep on, no nutritious food to feed on, or no proper care to my personal hygiene had ingrained in me that I don't take matters seriously anymore. These people, the so-called family who promised me the moon and stars even through stormy weather have betrayed me and put my life in misery!

I wonder why my life doesn't end happily like the others? Why can't God let me have a loving father and let my mother live? Why can't I have an understanding husband who lets me keep my job and do whatever that makes me happy? Why can't I have the same opportunity as those who can flex their happiness through social media? Why does my life become so meaningless?

Perhaps all these calamities come from my selfish pitiless nature. Like Saint, I caused his pain. Had I been more sensitive to him during his childhood, he wouldn't have been torn apart and sought revenge. We could still be a happy couple without thrashing each other's brains out. Now the ship has sailed and I'm the one to blame.

As I ponder, names and faces of people who hate me in every stage of my life hurtle past my mind one by one until I gather them all to be more than a score. At this point, I don't see many memorable happy events for me to recall, all I see are nightmares of me being picked on by people who are happier to see me dead. I guess Saint is right about one thing, I'm the source of my own pain.

As much as my conscience telling me that this is untrue, I believe otherwise. It's hard for me to erase such notions plated in my head because it's there for me to dwell over and be ashamed of myself. I might as well be dead so I don't have to be a burden to my family and a wasteful resource to the society.

I'm already crouching by the edge of a pedestrian bridge when these thoughts occupy my head. I look down at the slowed cars below my lolling feet, somehow they remind me of Hotwheels toys which I used as tools to teach Saint maths when he was seven. These memories had left me bereft with desolation and I miss my husband so much. I think I still love him but why did he do this to me?

Have you ever had suicidal thoughts? Like jumping off a bridge? Please, do seek help!

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