BECAUSE IT WAS YOU

Chapter 15

I wonder how he would answer the question I had just asked. A part of me was eager to find out, but the rest of me was way too nervous.

"Since the very first day you walked in, I figured you weren't trying to make an impression. You didn't care what I thought of you." he says.

"I'm pretty sure most people do that." I say back.

"You'd be surprised."

"So that's why I'm different? Because I argued with you?" I ask him.
Damn confused.

"No. Because you believed in something you haven't experienced firsthand. And that made me wonder, why? Why?" he replies.

I didn't know how to respond to this. I could point out that he too believed in something without ever having experienced it. But that would be wrong, he was a non believer. When a non believer believes in something else, it's a different thing.

"I know you're confused. I'm sorry." he breaks the silence I didn't realise I had created by not responding to him.

"How many times are you going to apologize to me?" I ask him, taking note of the many times he said sorry.

"Till it sticks." he says. "Why I'm nice to you one second and rude to you the next, I don't know why that happens. Nothing could make me believe in love Emma. But, no matter how much you might debate on this, when I see you in trouble it worries me. Like last night. Or the first day at the cabin."

"Is that why you tend to change so fast and become rude again? Because you're worried you might actually change your beliefs?"

"I don't believe in love. I can't love. I don't. Which technically means I don't have the answers to your questions." he shrugs.

"Are you kidding Jayden? Listen to yourself!" I have no idea why I'm losing it. "I'm gonna go, and let you figure out exactly what all this is, on your own. I tried my best to help you but there's nothing more I could do. I'm sorry." with that I walk away.

I don't know if I over reacted, if I was being rude. I don't know what I expected him to say.
But more importantly, I don't see how any of this had anything to do with love.
Now it appears to me that maybe, it's not just me who is confused right now. He is just as confused as I am.
And probably taking time to chill would be the best option.

Like when we were just kids and acted on impulse. Only to grow up, mature, and look back in time wondering what the hell we did.
What for?
All the stupid drama and mixed emotions.
We thought we knew everything. But we didn't.
And probably, I would still consider myself dramatic a few hours or days later. When I finally realise, how unnecessary all this was.

But this is what happens when you get confused and try to express yourself, your emotions. It will head down a completely different path.
But we don't always have complete control over ourselves.
So that's alright.
I guess.

Consoling myself, I know, is the only thing I can do right now.
It actually is the only thing.
You either falter, or put up a shield.
It's either this or that.
Nothing else.