She's Suicidal

fourteen

After that incident with Nephine I went inside and made myself a big breakfast. I needed it for what I was about to do moving forward with my day. The boys continued with whatever they were doing and left. Now that i was all alone i couold finally plan out my next moves. As I had mentioned I was to do some changes because what happened with Nephine was a bit tricky. We're okay now though. Or so he claimed.

Now I had impulsively thought about buying a new apartment again because of what had happened with Nephine but i thought against again. So the plan was that I will begin studying harder and possibly extend my school hours so I can be able to do two grades per year and finish with school quicker.

To be quite frank , that was the most brilliant idea i had thought of thus far and so i put it into plan. I called up my very nice teacher. He wasn't so sure about it but after hours of convincing him he finally agreed on putting through a trail month. So basically what was going to happen is that for the next two months i was supposed to prove to him that i would be able to take on the pressure and actually learn. Im both excited and nervous about this journey im embarking on but its necssary.

I called up Tristin and asked him to give me some extra lessons in maths and Engish. He agreed and we agreed on Thursdys and Sundays being the days that he tutors me. The rest I could manage, I hope.

Two months later

Things have not been easy, that much I can confidently say. Tristin and I have grown quite close during this time because I see a lot of him considering he is my official tutor. He sometimes comes with the guys and Tristin but thats just about it. I have also been doing good in school. And by good I mean Im an A student now. Yes! thats right !! Im a smarty pants haha.

My teacher said my trail is complete. He will be with me from ten until five in the afternoon every day except for Sundays. So now all I have is my Sundays and my afternoons ! The things we do for our sanity. The reason I really want to finish school so quickly is because I feel like its holding me back from focusing on what i really want to do with my life which I have not decided yet.

Today is a Monday and my teacher just left. We actually finished later than usual , at six pm. I asked him why he doesn't get a second teacher for me so that he can have less of a work load and actually have his free time as well and he said that he loves his job and genuinely likes teaching me as well. He had expressed that he learns quite a lot from teaching me. So i just left that at that because i was actually considering getting a second teacher so that he can have a break from seeing my ugly face.

Im currently so bored with myself even though I know I have some homework to do. I remember that theres some left over noodles from my school break and so I indulge in that before heading striaght into my books again. I actually like school now. I realised that I love the subjects I do which I did kind of change a little. I now do Computer studies , English , German , Philosophy , History , Business and your other basic compulsories.

I study everyday becuase that just helps me remember stuff easier and prepare me for my exams which are actually in a month. Im honestly kind of nervous because these are my final exams for nine grade. Tristin has been harder on me and so has the teacher because they just really want me to make it.

After three hours of homework and studying with breaks in between and a quick shower I head to bed for a well deserved nights rest.

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Okay here is the truth , I sometimes attend class in my pjs because my teacher is like a grandpa to me now and I just always feel too tired to get ready quick enough.

"Earth back to Odessy" thats my wonderful teacher trying to bring me back to life

"Im here ! The answer is six squared" I honestly dont even know what the question was

"We are not even doing maths right now. Are you okay ? "

Honestly , I dont know how I feel. I have been so busy with school and managing my library which has been doing great by the way, that I had forgotten to actually take care of myself and my mental well-being. I sometimes go to sleep crying questioning everything in my life that is current but I wake up and push away all my emotions. I'll deal with my emotions after I have finished my goals.

"I'm okay sir. I apologise for not paying attention. Will you kindly please repeat repeat the question" I ask hoping that he doesnt give up on me and think that school is taking over me.

"Odessy , I doubt you'll be able to answer my question even if I asked it a thousand times. You're not here and you haven't been here for a while now. I'll leave now and come back tomorrow and hopefully you'll be at a better place to learn then. And I dont want you to think bad of this. I just want you to be okay. Call Tristin over and talk to him. Talk to someone and just rest." he says this standing up and taking his little bag along with him.

I dont have it in me to stop him and so I just go striaght to my room and crash on the floor as tears take over my face. I dont know why im crying but it just feels right at this moment. My heart hurts so much. I want to scream but my walls are not sound proof and so I resort to smashing anything around me. Why am I even still alive ? how can a seventeen year old girl have gone through so much already.

I cry until I begin to run out of breath. I crawl to my shower and turn on the water to try and cool me off. The water helps with the breathing so I try under it and continue sobbing. Its been a while since I had such a break down. Nothing feels right at this moment - not that it has ever.

I decided to take proper shower and get dressed into some dark clothes that represent my mood. I leave the mess I had made in the house and head to my car. There is a place I know a bit further from this place that I can properly express myself to my willing. Its a forest I found when I first arrived here. Thats where Im going. Somehow I started crying again while I was driving because I honestly just was not feeling okay. I arrive at my destination and go into the forest. When I reach a comfortable distance I let it all out. I scream and shout , throw myself to the ground and punch the autumn leaves that cover the ground. Until I begin to feel - nothing. Then I just lay there.