Worth It

Thirty Seven

TW: Self harm, suicide

The next few weeks were tough.

It took a while before being comfortable around Steve or Thor. It's not their fault, they just remind me of the men at HYDRA. Their towering frames and the knowledge that they could snap my neck with ease if they wanted to. I noticed that Pietro was going through something similar, tensing up when he saw a towering silhouette only to relax when he realized it was a friendly face.

Bucky was helping with regaining memories, it was painful and tedious but he was patient with me. Every time I was convinced that they weren't coming back, he was there to offer words of encouragement.

When I remembered Ophelia, I finally realized what the feeling of loss was. I had to take a week long break. It was like watching her die all over again.

Weirdly enough, I never cried. I just felt... numb.

I slipped into old habits of precise cuts and long sleeved shirts. The pain providing a strange comfort to me.

I found myself fantasizing about what life would be like if she were still here. Would she be disappointed in me? Would she comfort me or push me away?

That's a stupid question. Of course she would comfort me, she is- she was- one of the kindest people I've ever known.

I need to stop. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself when I'm the one that's still breathing.

I wish I wasn't. I would trade places with her in a heartbeat. I want to see her again. I want to hold her. I want to hear her tell dumb jokes that will without a doubt make me cackle.

Who says I can't?

Life doesn't seem to have much to offer nowadays.

I stopped staring at the ceiling and let my eyes to drift to my open bathroom door. Then to the medicine cabinet that housed multiple pill bottles. Super soldier blood is hardy but I'm sure if I get the dosage right it'll do the trick.

My legs moved slowly as I walked to the open door, closing it behind me once I entered the small room.

My hand shakily reached for the handle of the cabinet but something stopped me.

Don't. Please.

A voice sounded in the back of my head. It wasn't my own, it had a hint of rasp to it that could only belong to one person.

But she's gone?

I shook my head and squeezed my eyes shut as hard as I could. I feel like I'm going crazy.

I crouched down on the floor and wrapped my arms around my legs as I rocked back and forth slowly, trying to calm myself down. It took a few minutes but eventually my breathing slowed down and I felt calm again.

Her voice was so clear in my mind. It was as if she was right behind me. But the room was empty besides me.

Is this me trying to hold on to her? Keeping her voice in my head as a form of comfort.

"(Y/N)?" My head snaps up at the sound of Loki's voice coming from my bedroom. I quickly stand up and walk out of the bathroom.

"Hey." I smile at him. He seems to see right through the facade.

"Are you alright?" The concern was evident in his voice.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just... trying to adjust."

He furrowed his brows and walked over to my desk chair, grabbing a blanket and wrapping it around himself before sitting down.

"Everyone is worried about you." He told me. "We think that you shouldn't keep yourself cooped up in here."

"I know," I said sighing." I just don't want to deal with everyone's sympathy. I know they're just trying to help but..."

"But?" He prompted for me to continue.

"But I don't want their help. I just want her back."

We stayed quiet for a moment until Loki broke the silence.

"When was the last time you showered?" He asked bluntly."

"Excuse me?" I questioned with wide eyes, he just gave me a knowing look. I sighed before answering him. "It's been a few days."

"Go shower, you need rest as well. If I come back in a few hours and you're not asleep, I'll knock you out myself." The last statement caused me to laugh, a genuine one too.

"Good to know."

He smiled at me before leaving and closing the door on his way out. Taking my blanket with him.

I stripped and turned the shower to the hottest setting before stepping in. It took a moment to adjust to the heat and stinging on my arms and abdomen but once I did, I relaxed. As the scalding water washed over me for the first time in far too long, I felt calm. I felt like the water was going to wash away the thick layer of grief that was clinging to me.

The feeling was only temporary, quickly dissipating after I shut off the water. I grabbed a pair of sweatpants and a tank top before climbing into bed.

I tossed and turned under the many blankets I had on top of me. The thought of Ophelia's voice lingered in the back of my mind. It was so clear.

I'm not going crazy. Am I perfectly fine? No. But crazy? That's taking things too far. I know that if I tell anyone, they'll assume the worst. They'll make me talk about everything I'm feeling. I don't want to talk about my feelings because frankly, there aren't any.

This place used to feel like I finally found where I belonged. Like I had a purpose.

I had a family that truly cared for me and valued everything I had to offer on the team and I had a person that loved me more than I thought to be possible.

Now, I don't have anything unique to contribute to the team and that person is gone.

I can't live like this. But I have to live. I need to figure out what to do and I need to do it soon.

Eventually, I fell asleep. It must not have been too long that I spent lying awake because Loki never came to knock me out.