will they won't they

4, funeral

— Don't mean to press my luck
But for me this ain't enough —

December 15, 1995

NOT A SINGLE PART OF ME WANTED TO GET OUT OF BED.
I had zero motivation to move. I didn't want today to happen. Today will just make it all feel real. I don't want it to be real. I still don't want to accept it. That he was actually gone. There isn't any part of me that wants to attend his funeral today, I am not ready to say goodbye.

I don't want to have to say goodbye.

There was a knock at my door interrupting me from my thoughts. "Avery? I know you're still in bed." My mothers voice spoke through the crack in my door. I ignored her and continued to lay in bed. She pushed the door open entering my room. "Baby, I know you don't want to get up but you have to. I have your outfit hanging on your door handle. Just change and meet me downstairs when you're ready. I'll go make you something to eat." She exited the room shutting the door behind her not waiting for my response.

I laid there in bed for a few more minutes before I managed to drag myself out of bed. I stumbled to the mirror glancing at the person staring back at me. I didn't even look like myself anymore. My hair was a mess, there were dark round circles under my eyes due to my lack of sleep, my arms and waist were thinner due to my lack of eating and a permanent frown glued to my face where a smile once was. That smile doesn't even exist anymore.

I took my time getting ready. I didn't even care too much about my appearance due to my lack of motivation in general. I pulled my t-shirt over my head throwing it on the ground and sliding off my sweatpants. I trudged over to my door handle picking up the hanger and dress. I took the plain black dress off the hanger slipping it on my body. Instead of hugging my body like it use to, it was a little loose. I walked back over to my mirror picking up my hair brush as I quickly brushed through my hair. I didn't even bother applying any makeup to my face because I knew I'd cry it off at some point today. I might as well get rid of it all due to the fact that I rarely wear it anymore. I slipped on a pair of black flats before leaving my room and heading downstairs.

The scent of eggs and bacon waved over me as I entered the kitchen. As good as the smell was, it sort of made me feel nauseous. My mother stood in the kitchen facing the stove cooking breakfast. She has been so determined to get me back up and moving. I felt bad that she went out of her way to make me breakfast though I probably wasn't going to eat it. I sat down at the dining table staring down at my hands. I wanted nothing more than to just go back to laying in my bed forever.

"Hey Honey, I made breakfast." My mother setting down a plate in front of me. The plate consisted of eggs, bacon and strawberries. I gave her a small soft smile thanking her for the food. She then went to the cupboards grabbing a cup and pouring me a glass of water and setting it beside my plate on the table before going to make herself a plate. After getting herself food, she joined me at the table sitting in front of me.

I looked down at the food in front of me. As good as it looked and smelled, I had no appetite. I never had an appetite these days. There didn't seem like a point. A point to eating, sleeping... living. All I wanted was to have Reggie back.

"Honey you need to eat something. You've barely ate anything these last few days." My mom said looking at me stare down at my food. I picked up my fork and began pushing my food around my plate. "Avery... please eat something." She begged. I sighed gently stabbing my fork into a small piece of egg and slowly bringing it up to my mouth and taking a bite. My mom smiled and went back to eating her breakfast. I took two more bites of eggs before feeling sick to my stomach. I took a sip of my water and stood up from my chair. "Thanks for breakfast," I mumbled to my mom before going back upstairs. I laid on my bed staring at my wall.