At What Price (Completed)

XX

#AtWhatPrice 20: Of Societal and Relationship Issues

"I'm pretty sure you somehow think you can't. It's true that you always want to give up, and try to find the easy way out.

But... It didn't matter if you were last or how much you complained. Whether or not our senpais or teachers were watching... You always saw it through until the end."

- Yamamoto Taketora, Haikyuu! To the Top 2nd cour

•••

The midterms just ended.

I feel nothing.

I'm glad that I have no regrets... kasi binigay ko na yung best ko sa pag-review.

But I'm also sad... sure ako na hindi naman magiging mataas ang score ko dahil ang daming magagaling. Swerte na kung pumasa.

That's why I feel numb.

Iyong best ko, walang-wala sa 'best' nila.

And again, every after exam, ang hirap ng lagi kang nagkakaroon ng existential crisis.

Tama ba 'tong tinatahak ko?

Paano kung di naman para sa'kin to?

That maybe I should give up.

Hanggang kailan ba magiging enough?

I sighed. Mas kumplikado pa 'to kaysa sa mga relationship ni Nailea.

•••

"13 out of 42 lang ang pumasa sa inyo." Mabigat na announcement nang i-meet kami ng prof.

Napapikit ako. I knew immediately that I'm not included in the passers.

Sobrang bigat ng exam na yon. It's one of the exams that will determine your grades. And you should retain a consistent passing grade for you to be able to continue Accountancy. If not, laglag ka na.

Lord, parang awa niyo na...

Inisa-isa niya ang mga pangalan ng pumasa.

When he mentioned Margot's surname, napamura ng mahina si Margot at parang maiiyak. Isa siya sa mga huling binanggit sa pasado.

Me and Nailea wasn't called. She doesn't look that bothered but I know she will cry it out later. Probably with food and an alcohol.

"Para sa mga hindi pumasa... Lapit kayo isa-isa para makita ang scores niyo."

And so he called us alphabetically. Ang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko nang ako na ang tinawag.

He traced my name and pointed at it. I saw my score. One point less lang, pasado na dapat ako!

Waves of unending emotions washed me. Nasasayangan ako sa one point na yon, but what can I do? I also got hopeful. If I did well on the finals, kaya kong hatakin yung grades ko. God... help me. Di ko kaya to.

I nodded and walked away to get back on my seat, somewhat grieving of what could've been.

•••

"Ma, nakakapagod. Kaya ko pa ba?" I rested my head on our couch.

"Edi pahinga ka muna. Oo nga pala, kunin mo yung mga sinampay sa labas pagkatapos mo magpahinga." Aniya habang nasa kusina habang abala magluto.

Sumimangot ako sa nanay ko. Dapat pala di ko na siya kinausap.

I massaged my temples. "Seryoso, Ma... Gusto ko nang mag-shift. Ang hirap masayado, ayoko na sa course ko."