fake (b.t.c.)

twenty seven

"i feel like you have something to say."
"i do."
•••
my head was absolutely spinning.
did that actually just happen? did i actually just kiss ben cook onstage? at my job? which was on broadway? on a broadway stage?
jesus. i really, really hoped no one was bootlegging tonight.

it wasn't until spring fling that i saw ben on stage again. he jogged in with his mathletes jacket on and kissed me on the cheek, like my track sheet said he would.
erika walked up the stairs of the little stage, and ben took my hand like my track sheet said.
he did everything by the book. like nothing had ever happened. up to the final chord, it was completely normal, like we hadn't made out just a half hour earlier.
i was at the center of the cast circle. i lost where ben was while we shuffled offstage, and i could barely see anything backstage. so, still in my short little spring fling dress, i made my way up the few flights of stairs to the treehouse.

"oh my god." iain said as i walked in. "did i see that right?"
"yes." i sighed. "and i'm so, so confused."
iain frowned. "i'm sure you two will figure it out. have a good night, julia." he grabbed his bag and headed out the door, leaving me alone in the treehouse.
i took my wig and mic off, then slowly pulled out my pincurls and fluffed my hair.

my alone time didn't last long. before i knew it, i felt someone at the door, and i definitely knew who it was.
"ben." i said.
he was already changed out of his costume and back into his usual jeans-and-sweatshirt-and-jacket ensemble.
"hi." he leaned against the doorframe. "so."
"so." i wiped the last of my makeup off and looked up at him from my seat.
"about that-um, in whose house." he started. "i-that was kind of unprofessional of me, i'm really sorry about-"
"since when has anything about us been professional?" i laughed. "honestly, ben, we are the poster children for a human resources crisis."
he relaxed a little bit and laughed with me. "i-yeah, that's pretty accurate."
"so...yeah." i looked down at my feet. i still had my entire costume on, and i realized i felt a little silly talking to him in his street clothes.
"i'm-i'm gonna change real quick." i said abruptly, and grabbed my jeans and sweater, then stepped behind the divider in the corner of the room.
i could tell ben was looking in my direction as i tossed the dress over the divider into the dirty laundry pile at the other side of the room. i came out from behind as i pulled my sweater over my head and pulled my hair out from under it.

"i feel like you have something to say." i said, watching his chew on the inside of his cheek.
"i do."
"then say it."
he looked up at me.
"was it real?"
"what?" i blinked.
"that very first time. when you were pretending to be my girlfriend. when you kissed me."
"at the wedding?" i thought back. "i don't know, i was-it was an in the moment kind of thing."
"jules, that's not what i'm asking." he said quietly. "that night when kevin-you said your kiss with him was fake. i'm asking if our first kiss was fake."
"w-why are you asking?" i couldn't read his face clearly, but it seemed to be something like hope.

"our entire job about faking it. our entire job is to act out these made-up worlds with their made-up characters, and i-it's exhausting. i love it, obviously. this is my passion. but ever since i met you, it's been so hard to tell."
he paused.
"it's so hard to tell whether you-whether we're something real. you kiss me when you're being my fake girlfriend. you kiss me right before a show where you're playing my fake girlfriend. it's confusing for both of us. and i know the whole kevin thing was weird, but we both keep running away from talking about or figuring anything out, but i'm ending that right now. jules, i don't know if i'm getting this across, but i don't want anything about this-about us- to be fake. i want something real, and i want it with you."

i couldn't really form words.
i wasn't sure i had heard him right.
ben wanted something with me. something that wasn't being his girlfriend for a day because "that's what friends do." something that wasn't randomly ghosting each other when we felt guilty or nervous or weird.
something real.

"jules, please say something." he said quietly.
"i-i can't, i..." i trailed off, unable to find anything to say.
so i just kissed him again, and i made sure he knew this time. i made sure he knew that it was real.
ben's lips curled into a small smile as we separated, our faces barely centimeters apart.
"in case you need clarification, that was real."
"not sure you got the message across. let's try again." he breathed before pressing his lips to mine again, soft, and slow, and perfect.

"be my girlfriend?" he asked suddenly when he pulled away.
"for real this time?" i giggled.
"for real this time."
"i've never wanted anything more."