never grow up.

14. i'll kill you

(I'll Kill You- Summer Walker)

(t/w: scandalous drinking, unprotected sex)

Shuhua. You literally know nothing about Soojin. It shows so fucking well. All you know is sex, butterflies, and all that feels good. Once you get wrapped up, you might as well just die."

Yuqi and I were at the cafe by our internship. It was early in the morning. I crept away from Soojin's tight arms to get breakfast with Yuqi. I wanted to know how much she knew since she allegedly knew a lot about them. She put jam on her piece of toast. I folded my arms as she got her breakfast together. "What about you and Soyeon?"

"I'll be done with her as soon as I go back to Beijing." Yuqi pressed her lips into a thin line.

"So, just like that? All the finer things in life, gone?"

"They're like that. They dump people as soon as they can. Might as well do them the honor. In a couple months, we'll be back home. Minding our own. All the things we did with those people will be out the window. We'll have normal lives." The cafe's door chime rang. "Ah and there's Minnie."

Minnie walked into the cafe with her hair up in a ponytail. "Ah! Look who decided to finally show up!"

I smiled weakly. "Hey."

"I'm glad you guys are not lunging towards each other." Minnie sat down and ordered a macchiato.

I had to agree. I didn't want to argue with Yuqi. It felt ridiculous. Yuqi gave Minnie a slice of toast."I'm glad you aren't dating anyone, Minnie."

Minnie chuckled and bit into her food.

"Minnie. We literally are only here for a while-"

"Sometimes I enjoy my own company. Lonely hearts don't break, ya know."

"Lucky," Yuqi sighed. "I just enjoy company every now and then."

I clucked my tongue in annoyance. It was time to go to the internship before I knew it. The instructor gave me a dirty long when I got to my seat. He put his hands in his pockets. "Yeh Shuhua. Finally decides to show up." There were deep stress lines in his face. "You're a few days behind in our research."

"She was sick," Yuqi interjected. She put on her protective glasses as she climbed into the stool next to me. "Don't worry, sir. She'll catch up as soon as possible."

The man walked away, cursing under his breath. My heart began beating quickly in stress. I didn't feel prepared. I barely read any of the pages. Nor did I ask Yuqi for notes she took on any of the work we were doing. The experiments felt so difficult. And my own project was already dying out on me. My plant was maltreated. I huffed as I sprayed water on it.

The day felt so tense as the instructor basically looked at me with agitated eyes as I asked numerous questions about what was happening. I guess I had to really get back into my labs. When I got back to my apartment to pick up my notebooks and texts, I noticed everything was gone. I looked around. The refrigerator was still there. The TV my mom got for me was gone. The pretty jewelry box. My expensive clothes that Soojin shopped for me. Gone. I sunk to the ground and began biting my nails.

Yuqi and Minnie walked in and I barely even noticed them until Yuqi touched my shoulder. I flinched. "Don't touch me!"  I screamed.

"It's me!" Yuqi yelled. She looked around. "Who would rob from a boarding house?" She sat on the sofa:

"I'm gonna call Soojin!" I said.

Minnie pursed her lips in slight suspicion.

Yuqi took out her phone and checked her messages. "Soyeon had not texted me all day. I wonder what's going on."

"You think the instructor sent my things back because I was being incompetent?" I asked in fear. But, that would have probably went very differently. There was literally nothing there. My papers and notebooks were sitting neatly on the counter. I dialed Soojin's number but it was out of service. I gulped. Why didn't she answer my phone?

"No. He wouldn't do that. Miyeon has not shown up to any of the meetings since the third one. And she hasn't gotten the boot yet." Minnie furrowed her brow. "You think Miyeon knows where Soojin and Soyeon are?"

"That's your friend," Yuqi said, rubbing her temples. "I'm gonna check my apartment too. Minnie, you should do the same." 

They left to go check their apartments. I looked out the window. There were students returning from class, merrily minding their business. I wondered who came into my apartment. When Yuqi came back, she said that her apartment was fine. "You should stay with me or Minnie tonight."

I was hesitant on that. But, it seemed like a good idea. Soyeon and Soojin didn't contact me or Yuqi. Yuqi remained unbothered but I was on edge. I felt like I was being ripped apart. When Yuqi went to sleep after we had take out, I slipped on a dress and took a train to Soyeon's club. I had to see Soojin. I knew she was okay. She probably was just busy at the club. The guard let me in the VIP section upon recognizing me and even told me I had open bar.

I will not be drinking tonight though.

I walked onto the dance floor. I was scared. Bodies were dancing intimately. The air smelled like alcohol and deception. I felt completely disconnected from myself. I saw a woman kissing the neck of someone familiar while dancing. The mole under the woman's eye. She was wearing her hair much shorter. Her hand was around the woman's neck as she held her close. My heart fell to my stomach and ripped in shreds. My mouth went dry. Soojin was with another woman. She opened her eyes that were filled with ecstasy. She looked straight at me. She didn't look totally sober. She looked mentally out of it. Her lips curled into a strange smile as she pulled the stranger close and began to kiss her lips in front of me.

Time was frozen. But she kept her eyes on me as she put her lips on another woman. Like pouring salt on a wound, she walked off with the woman as I stood still in the middle of the dance floor.

A man put his arm around my shoulder and I quickly recognized it as Hongjoong. He smiled at me. "Hey, Yeh Shuhua."

I fought back tears. My eyes blinked hard. "Oh hi."

"Wanna get out of here? I know a better bar than this one." He smiled at me.

All I felt was a desire to get revenge on Soojin. "Sure." I walked with him down the street to the bar. The night was very balmy for a winter night. I felt like doing what I wanted.

"So, Shuhua, are you Soojin's girl?" Hongjoong asked.

"I'm my own woman," I answered, taking a sip from my Shirley Temple. "I don't need her."

Hongjoong smiled and raised his glass for a cheers. "I like the sound of that."

"Let me sleep with you." I smiled back at him. It was not just because I wanted him. It was to get back at Soojin's pride. Making love to someone that wasn't her.

He coughed on his beer. "Excuse me?"

I grabbed his tie. "You want a chance at Soojin's life, don't you. Let me give you a little taste."

Hongjoong smirked crookedly. "Are you sure?"

"I want to have her feel worthless for oncr."

We went to the men's bathroom. He pulled down his pants and slid my panties to the side and carefully slid inside of me. I moaned loudly. When we fucked, it was nothing like Soojin and I. It was quick, rough and simple. He quickly pulled out before he could release. I finished him with a handjob before we parted ways with no goodbyes or nothing.

I got back into Yuqi's apartment and cried. Seeing Soojin with someone else still bothered me. I wiped my eyes as I saw an unknown number flash across my screen.